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Ever since l lost my mom l want to die

I’ve lost my mom who passed away 6 months ago. Since then my life has been horrible. Been trying to hold on but more and more lately l been having suicidal thoughts. Crying more than ever. Every thing reminds me of how much I miss her. My dad is gone I lost my beloved pet ten years ago. And I still haven’t gotten over that. My dog was old and sadly we had to put her down. Had her for 11 years ever since she was a pup out the litter. Therefore I watched her grow like she was my own child. My mom passed back in July of 2019 and that sent me over the edge. Now l just want to leave this world. I wish l had a gun to shoot myself. That’s the best way. I damn sure not about to jump off a high building. Either an overdose of pills with alcohol or hanging will be the way. My life is hell. Live in a crappy apartment. Ain’t been with a woman in 4 years but I’m at a point where that l don’t even care about that. Credit is in the toilet. Trying to find a better apartment. All the while dealing with the grief of losing my mom. It’s so hard all I want to do is due. I really have nothing to live for. No one will have your back or support you like your mom. I’m realizing that now Tired of the struggle the sadness the tears the anger. If l die all that mess ends. Everything stops. I’m not happy whatsoever. Tired of fighting l just want to go. Some people can fight through it. Me I don’t need this, l didn’t ask for it. I purposely chain smoke hoping I’ll get lung cancer or a blood clot develops and just take me out. I wish every night that l go to sleep and pray that l never wake up. I’m done crying, I’m done hurting suffering. I just want to die. I can’t take it anymore. Life is about choices well it’s my choice to end my life. I’m not even living I’m just existing.

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I too have experienced loss lately.

My grandma on my moms side passed away seven months ago, then just before Christmas it was my grandfather on my moms side. On January 21 we had to put down our 13 year old puppy Mitzy.

Loss is really hard. It sticks with you for a long time, I’d even say forever. I know my mother has been very depressed, having a very hard time with it all. She still gets emotional about it, as do I and my sister. And that’s ok.

It’s ok.

They are with you always, they are proud of you, they root for you.

We are here for you. Grieving has no time frame.

Love you friend, take it slow. Hold them in your heart, never forget the good.

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Thanks for the love & support. It’s funny how you can get more support online from total strangers than you can from folks in real life.

Therapy did help me a bit but all they are concerned about is i’m going to commit suicide. I feel they don’t care as much. Your mom is depressed? Be there for her, spend as much time with her as possible. I wish i could see my mom just one more time. I finally erased her answering machine. I used to listen to it all the time just to hear her voice but after while reality hit me to the fact that she is no longer here. Yes it does stick with you and TBH l hate it. It’s funny because we think are parents are going to be here forever and one day…they’re gone. Then the regret comes in because you didn’t spend more time with them. But please excuse i’m getting sad again just thinking about it.

Again, thanks for the love-n-support
Stay blessed
James

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@JamesLT1969

You are not alone friend. :heart:

I hear your pain and I’m sincerely sorry. My brother passed away two years ago and all I can say is that grief is a slow and non-linear process. He was such a beautiful sunshine in my life. There are days when I wanted to die too because the pain and emptiness felt unbearable. Hitting the same reality again and again, and each time like it was the first time I realized he was gone.

It’s okay to burst into tears when you need it. It’s also okay to scream, to punch in a pillow or throw objects away as long as you remain safe. You are experiencing several losses and it’s insanely hard friend. I understand how much exhausting it is. Physically, mentally.

We all react to losses in different ways. In my family, we all try to handle this differently. And I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to grieve. But being kind to ourselves, being patient is still important. Time do helps, but it can be hard to see it when we’re in pain.

I see that you erased her answering machine. My heart goes to you entirely. Please don’t forget that doing this doesn’t erase her from your life. Your mom is still here with you. Through your voice, through the way you see this world and interact with it. But also through how you take care of yourself.

I’m also really sorry you’re experiencing such regrets. I know how easily we can fall into them. When my brother passed away, it was due to a disease which developped suddenly. I didn’t take the time to be with him at the hospital. I couldn’t say goodbye to him and how much I love him before he was unconscious. And I had to take the decision with the doctors to stop the machines that were keeping him alive. I still feel guilty for taking that decision. Guilty for not being physically there when he was going through all of this. And we lost so many opportunities to spend some time together, to say that we love each other. Just because we weren’t used to say it directly. This is something I have to learn to live with.

The way you talk about your mom makes it obvious that there was so much love between you two. It won’t ever fade away. The pain you feel in your heart is also the manifestation of the love you have for her. Hang on to this. You’ll be able, with time, to live with the void of her absence without feeling like you’d be betraying her if you take care of you. Because you’ll also keep holding this love with you. You’ll be able to let this world know who she was, the impact she had on your life. Your mom, your dog and my brother might not be here anymore, but we are alive and we are still holding the story we shared with them. In our souls and our hearts.

During those 2 years I’ve been afraid of one thing in particular: to forget about the wonderful moments I spent with my brother. To forget him, who he was. So I tried to write down, progressively, all the memories I have with him in a notebook. It is something that truly helps and reassures me. It also makes me feel closer to him, in a different way. Maybe it is something you could try to do at your own pace?

Please don’t hestate to come here anytime you need. You’re right, it can be hard to find the support you need in real life. So know this community is here and is a safe place to be.

Sending much love your way. Hold fast. :heart:

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My friend, I am so sorry that you lost your mom and someone you cared for. That can’t be easy. I know it has to be hard, but friend, your mom wouldn’t want you to shoot yourself. You have so much life to live. I know it’s not easy when you have lost people you love. It takes time to heal and recover from that. There will always be a part of you that misses your mom, but there is light out there to be found. It can get better.

My heart pours out to you, because I can see you are hurting greatly. And nobody can blame you for that. My friend, I hope and pray that you find peace, healing and comfort. That you are able to find strength and courage. Because you are so worth so much more than hurting yourself. You deserve love and happiness.

I am glad that you are here. That you reached out. Because we care. I care. You are always welcome here to talk. Don’t lose hope my friend. You are not alone. hugs

  • Kitty
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Thanks

Today wasn’t a good day for me. Woke up sad. Tempted to walk into heavy traffic hoping a rig would take me outta here. I’m sad, depressed and at the same time angry. Angry at my mom for leaving especially at a time when l need her most. I can’t believe she’s no longer here. And l cannot bear it

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Thanks for the support. I’m so lonely and depressed my heart aches.
I swear lately all l want is to go to sleep and never wake up so l could be with my mom
This hurts so bad l can’t bear it.

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Man, I’m so sorry friend.
As someone who has battled with depression for most of my life, I understand how lonely it can be. The feeling of just wanting to sleep. There have been times where I felt like I was just existing, not really living. Getting out of bed was hard, let alone showered, dressed and functional. It’s so hard. I know. I can only imagine how hard it must be when you’ve lost someone like your momma.

I don’t know how much this can help with everything you have going on, but there ARE resources available here. https://heartsupport.com/resources/

Dwarf Planet and ReWrite are excellent books to go through when you are struggling and worth checking out. And heart support has a lot of really good videos on their YouTube of encouraging words. These have really helped me in moments where I needed to be reminded that I’m not alone.

I know we are all different and different things help different people. But maybe there could be something there to offer you some encouragement

I sincerely hope things look up for you friend.

@JamesLT1969

I know it doesn’t feel that way right now, but you can bear it. You will. It’s 100% okay to be angry, sad, depressed. It’s okay to be angry at your mom. This situation isn’t fair to you. You have the right to feel how you feel.

I too was mad at my brother sometimes. In those moments, I cried and screamed out loud to him, like he would hear me. It was needed to let this painful energy out of my chest. I know his disappearance wasn’t his fault, but he was the only one I could blame for letting me handle this emptiness all alone. It felt like being betrayed. And I thought I was going crazy, that it wouldn’t ever get better. Like being trapped in a box and you just walk in the same circle again and again. But I’ve been out of that box progressively. You will too my friend. You’ll be able to see the light again despite this painful darkness all around.

Hang on to what helps you to relax, to breathe. Things you were used to enjoy before, even if it’s not the same for the moment. I know there’s a lot of pressure on the shoulders of those who are grieving, to just get back on their feet and keep going on. But it’s okay to take your time. Keep talking about how you feel anytime you need. There’s no reason to go through this alone. Because you’re not. :heart:

You mentioned therapy before and the fact that it helps you a little. I’m really glad to hear about that. And you know it’s quite normal if they’re concerned by your suicidal thoughts. We’re also concerned by your safety here. It is something that has to be taken seriously, but it doesn’t mean they don’t take you seriously. If you feel like you’re not listened by your therapist, don’t hesitate to let them know and see how it goes. If things doesn’t change, you always have the right to try with an other therapist. It’s their job to listen and help you keep going, depending on where you are on your own journey.

Also, you didn’t mention that but if it’s something you already thought about, know that it’s okay to have a medication, temporarily, to help you to lessen that pain and handle it. It can be like a crutch when we’re learning to deal with the loss of someone we love. You can always talk about how you feel to your doctor, outside of your therapist. You can even give a try to natural medicine like aromatherapy or phytotherapy. It really helped me at the moment to ease my anxiety and, at least, get some restful sleep.

Try to care of yourself through little actions that doesn’t require much energy. I didn’t know your mom, but through the words you use to describe her, it makes me think that she would like you to give yourself a chance to live a fulfilling life. And we, in this community, don’t want you to disappear. It is hard, it really is. But we’re holding our hands right now. It feels like your world collapsed. And it’s true to say that it won’t be the same anymore. But you won’t feel a pain of this intensity and in such an acute way forever. Time truly helps. It does.

You are not alone. :heart:

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