The way you’ve shared things here is totally fine - don’t worry about it. All of it makes sense. Thank you really, for sharing your heart and your family situation. Figuring out family traumas is a heavy beast to tackle and leading this battle can be extremely isolating. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this right now. My heart goes out to you, friend.
I can relate to how you feel through my own family story. Last year especially, on therapy, I’ve gained a better understanding of my family and the struggles that keeps being repeated through generations. I’m still figuring those things out, and there are many times when I’ve left like my life was just a lie until now, that it would be only at 27 that I’m finally seeing it as it is. It feels like an intense grief, but the worst feeling is not to have all the answers I need. In my mom’s side of the family, I know my grandpa was extremely abusive to his children and wife. Throughout my childhood I’ve heard my mom confessing (or venting) to me the things she’s been through, but the version she gave me of those stories is the only one I’ll ever have. I never knew this man because he passed away before I was born, and I never met any uncle and aunt on my mom’s side, because she stopped being in contact with them when I was really young. Two of her brothers were sending death threats to my parents because they were intoxicated by their own rage and violence, and her sister was married to a man who molested children and was judged for it. On my father’s side, they had their share of abusive people and traumas as well. It’s tough to acknowledge those roots and hear the word “family” in such context. Hard not to feel the weight of such “legacy”.
All of this remained mostly secret, unsaid, and gave this kind of unhealthy gut feeling, you know? This was even more disturbing as my mom was abusive too, physically and emotionnaly, towards my sister and I. No need to say that this family environment is very unhealthy, full of broken souls who kept sharing this violence through generations. So even if I understand my background’s mother, I don’t have any answer to a lot of questions, but especially: why? Why torturing her own children the way her own dad hurt her? Why not believing me when I was molested by a man while it’s something she’s also been through as a kid? And why was my “grandpa” like this? Who are my uncle and aunts and what’s their version of the story? Is all the things I’ve heard about this side of the family even true? (…) The list is long.
The reason why I’m sharing all of this is to emphasize the fact that it’s really hard to be in the generation of those who see what’s going on, who have a bigger perspective and want justice through answers. It’s hard to face those situations, to wrap our head around that, especially when the people we interact with are used to shut down and be silent.
You are not a bad person for wishing sometimes that you’d like your whole family to end. It’s not really your family you want to see ending, it’s those heavy burdens and pain you share collectively yet silently. It is, indeed, incredibly unfair to be in this position, between knowledge and guessings. In some situations, not knowing feels more distressing than facing the truth, and on the other end taboos are really hard to break when it’s filled with pain.
You have all the right to have a hard time right now. It can be really hard to name and understand what you feel. It brings a lot of mixed emotions, a lot of questions - a little bit like opening a box that contains so many more things than you imagined at first. You are processing, learning at your own pace. Please know that whatever you are feeling, it is okay to feel those things. You are not wrong for feeling.
How you feel about your grandma is also very understandable. I often wondered how I would react if I had the opportunity to interact with my “grandpa”, with the knowledge of the things he did. I’m a very calm person and I don’t promote violence in any way, but I know it would be really hard to look at him and have any compassion for him. I also thought often that having children should be a right to acquire, and not given just because we exist. It’s an awful thought, it’s totally arbitrary, unethical and unfair, but thinking that doesn’t mean I believe in it or want it. It’s just the reflection of the depth that this kind of awareness brings.
I am so, so sorry that you don’t have any answer yet about what could have happened to you. There are huge fragments (years) of my childhood that I don’t remember at all, and when traumatic memories came back more clearly, it was progressive. At first it was small and specific details. I wondered if I was going crazy, if something was wrong with me. I know this is a very painful place to be, friend, and I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time to figure this out. There will be a time when your mind and your heart will be ready to disclose what needs to be remembered, if anything traumatic happened in the past.
I hear that you tried to talk to your mom about what happened, which is really strong of you. Do you think it would be possible to discuss again with her and get more informations, especially if you let her know how much answers are needed for you? It sounds that she could give you a breather by accepting to be vulnerable and honest about this.
I hear you. I feel the cry for answers that your heart is screaming right now. I hear your need for understanding and healing. You are not weird. You are not crazy. How you feel is valid. You deserve to get the answers you need to learn to be at peace. In the meantime, you are not alone friend. We’re in this with you here.