Whether this is looked at or not, I may as well get it off my chest. Whatever, you know? If you’re here, be ready to skim through an essay, I won’t blame you.
I’m so very tired of my family. It’s so complicated I feel like no one will ever understand.
Since I was little there was always screaming and yelling at one another and fights. I was called “mopey” for being sad all the time, they saw me as just sensitive. And I am, but that’s not the point,the environment and lack of communication does not help with this.
Don’t get me wrong, I can feel love for my family, but the way they treat me makes me feel like there’s no hope, nothing to look forward to in the day.
I have a single mother who has been through hell. Raped as a child and ridiculed and abused and neglected about it. Had abusive horrible partners, my father I feel was the least horrible, although he made huge lies and as soon as they were done, he did not support me in anyway (I was 3). We are not in contact and I have no feelings towards him. My mother stresses me out because she loves to nag and scream if she doesn’t like something that I do.
I have one older brother (3rd oldest) and two sisters. Two of my sisters ran away and one stays in contact and helps us financially, and I always feel bad about it.
She (my 2nd oldest sister) tells me that she can see me doing great things, it means the world to me when she tells me that. She’s not perfect (no one is) but she gives me the least amount of trouble because she knows what communication is.
My brother is the “”“man of the house”"", and has anger issues and loves to get loud when he needs to. He also loves to lie and embellish stories and brag in them. He has moments where he means well, but these bad moments take them over…
My oldest sister left us and broke all contact. Mom says she was bipolar this and that, I cared for her alot. Unfortunately when she left, that left us in financial shambles ( I was 13), and didn't hear from her
since…Until we did.
My 2nd Oldest sister paid a website to find her and suprise suprise, she’s in the same state as us, (excluding 2nd oldest), and my brother’s closest friend who also helps with finances and car troubles is my oldest sister’s husband. This had to have been hidden for 2 years max. He told us that the husband’s wife was a “chubby white lady” (we’re hispanic.) So the blatant lies obviously broke my mom. I tried to be neutral and be there for them both (they call me the “mediator that needs to make sure everything is okay” in a teasing way) and of course with this family not knowing how to have a conversation, cops and paramedics were called. Not fun. That was a couple of months ago.
Sure, you can think it wasn’t right for my 2nd oldest to do that but it happened, and I was hurt. I don’t know why I’m surprised my brother could lie about that (his fiance is his “minion” so that doesn’t shock me). My oldest sister does not speak to anyone but my brother.
Before this, when I graduated in '19, somehow my boyfriend moved in with us, even I wonder how this all worked out, haha. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and my family loves him. Sometimes I wish his family wasn’t the type to throw everything on him so he wouldn’t be living with this mess of a family…
But moving on from that, after I graduated (being the only one in the family that graduated, I was happy to give that to my mother) I so badly wanted a job, my family worried about my anxiety and I told them they were the source of my anxiety not other people (lol a little blunt but it needed to be said) and my brother said he would work on me getting an ID.
…It’s 2021 and I still don’t have an ID. Yes, part of that is my fault and I realize that. I should have stepped up and got one myself. At home, I cook and clean every day for my mom since she has many body pain issues. I do a horrible and lazy job at cleaning, honestly.
But because of staying home this whole time, I am scared to work now and I’m willing to work I just have these dumb and disturbing intrusive thoughts that get in my head nowadays so I think I won’t have an easy time when i start. My boyfriend works a job and on some days two jobs and because of Bill’s and our poor attempt at saving, we don’t have any to save…really need to do better on that note.
And I have no clue what I’m doing with “adult” things. Thanks to my 2nd oldest I set an appointment to get an ID on the only available soonest date that was on my bf’s day off, June 9th and I hope it works out. Only my mother and 2nd oldest know about it. I’m scared, honestly. I feel like my brother is going to throw so many excuses at me about getting a job and will be upset at me for getting the ID on my own, if I successfully do it. The sucky part is my boyfriend and I are going to his sister’s wedding in another state and we’ll be gone for a week in July, so I feel like I shouldn’t even get a job if by the time I’m probably finished with training, I’ll be gone for a whole week and I so badly wish I could work as soon as possible but I think I have to wait.
Idk what I’m doing with my life, I don’t want to work in an entry level 9-5 my whole life and I keep thinking about what could require my preferred max of like 3 years education to get a decent steady job. I stress about this because I feel like I should already have this figured out. I’m a beginner (insecure) artist and I feel like I have a long way to go before I can do something with that. My boyfriend is an aspiring streamer so we both have creative careers we want to do but will need a lot of consistent work to pull it off.
My boyfriend has a car thanks to my brother, and I really appreciate it. Unfortunately it always has issues, and my boyfriend doesn’t have a license yet, my brother says he’s trying to help with that.
This is it. It’s a huge mess, I am aware. Maybe from reading this, there’s something obvious I should know that I don’t already know. I’m vulnerable and putting myself out here anonymously so feel free to state your thoughts. I feel hopeless on most days and don’t do enough for myself because I’m scared of what others will think, and I also have no idea what I’m doing. But, who does?
This rant spilled after recently being yelled at by my mother for not keeping my room or the house clean, so here we are. I need help, idk how to get help, and I’m scared to get help. I still have Medicaid, maybe I can get help somehow but it won’t last long considering my age.
If you have anything at all to say, feel free. If you have nothing to say, I don’t blame you since I don’t know what to say to myself.
