Over the past week I’ve been feeling worse and worse about myself. I’ve also fallen into a kinda of personal nihilism which is making my grades horrible and I’ve stop taking care of myself. I’m clean but at this point it’s because I don’t even see a point in hurting myself. I don’t see a point anything that will help me. I can see points for things that help others but not for myself. I just don’t see a point in anything I do anymore. I’m still trying and I don’t know why I am. I don’t know why still trying to do anything but I am. It’s probably for my friends because it would hurt them if I didn’t do somethings so I guess that’s why I’m trying but if it weren’t for them I would literally be doing nothing. I would be doing nothing because there is no point. I don’t want to be like this and have been trying to find a point but I can’t. I really don’t want to be like this but I’ve been feeling like this more and more.
Hey @Paladine
The other day, I came across a website that talked about this. I really gave me some ideas for this very same problem that I think a LOT of us go thru. I think just giving the link for you to read it is better than trying to explain it to you. Just know that you are not alone at all with this, it’s something I struggle with on a daily basis. You got this!
Hey @Paladine I’m here to give you a kick up the butt.
You need to do this for yourself.
You’re worthy, you’re strong, you’ve got this.
What’s happened over the last week to forget all the positive things you’d said about yourself?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe me procrastinating and not being able to get anything done started it or maybe that was just a side affect. Maybe that email did affect me and I just don’t realize. Maybe it’s just all the relapses that happened with in the past couple of days are causing this. Or maybe it’s all of them. I don’t know.
Have you taken time to just chill? You need quiet time to ground yourself and rest. You’ve just come out of a bad episode, so remember that and don’t push yourself too hard. Don’t spread yourself too thin either, if you need a break from school, take one. Do something that would normally make you happy. It’s still there, Paladin you just have to see it again. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself heal. 
I’ve been trying to do things that make me happy normally and they aren’t working. I also can’t take a break from school because I need to do two summtives and I haven’t even started in either. I’m such an idiot I should have started.
Real talk…
First of all, look at what you have been thru all week. How would anyone expect you to get your school work done when all that stuff is going on? It would be impossible for anyone. You’re NOT an idiot, you’re human and you are going thru a rough time in your life.
Just be good to yourself right now, because that’s all that matters. YOU ARE ALL THAT MATTERS, not the world around you.
That’s funnily enough the opposite of my world view. I see myself as less important than the world around me. But you are right I don’t think anyone would be able to do them under the conditions that I am in but both them had been assigned before that and I don’t even start
I knew you were going to say this. Everyone procrastinates lol, but you’ve been on this wall for a long time and since I’ve been here, you’ve been pretty much having the same problems. So, this isn’t something that just started. It’s been effecting you for a long time and things usually build and build before we blow.
Well the procrastinating isn’t this feeling is: maybe it’s just the build up of doing over and over and over again that has cause this feeling of pointlessness.
Doing what over and over?
I just want you to see that depression causes a lot of what you’re experiencing right now. They are honestly normal depression symptoms, but they suck and it seems impossible to get rid of them. I hate to see you going thru what I go thru, because I know how much you are suffering.
Procrastinating and maybe it really is depression that is the cause behind this. I fight so hard to be okay and then I get okay for a bit and then everything comes crashing down
Me too, in fact I’m not really doing great right now. Major depression is debilitating for me and when I crash, I isolate and get in my head. I don’t do any self care and I have been stressing all day because I know I need to take a shower, but I just can’t do it.
I totally know what the crash feels like. For me tho, I go thru sever ups and downs all day, so one hour I’ll be manic happy and the next hour wanting to end it all. That’s not even an exaggeration.
So, it’s not “you” its the depression. I just hate to see you be so hard on yourself.
But I’m technically just the brain chemistry going on in my head so in a way I am the depression. Sorry that’s a little to dark. I hate my hard on myself but I feel like it’s the only way to get me so something
That’s deep, lol. I want to say that we can try and fight it and not be our depression, but I don’t know how to do that. I can say that I have been learning a ton about bpd and depression and once you become aware of the symptoms and how they affect you and what causes them, it’s a little bit more easier to recognize what’s happening. Sometimes, I can pull myself out of it.
a lot of this has to do with finding your purpose, especially when it comes to your grades falling. finding your why is hard and somedays you will feel like you are far as hell from finding that purpose and somedays you feel like you are close to figuring it out. while you enjoy taking care of your friends and have this “i am smaller than the world so why should i matter” view everyone is an individual and everyone spends their lives finding their why. some people find it early in life and some people struggle for years trying to find it. my suggestion would be to find something you are passionate in and research it research it to no ends and that alone will help try and find your purpose. also taking the time to self register that things are different than how we perceive them and there are different angles to everything that will shed light on other aspects of life.
No, that’s a part of you, you is who is deep down in your heart.
You need to take a break from things, does your school have any mental health support?
@Mystrose I guess that makes sense that we can try to fight our depression but it’s just so hard sometimes.
I have so many things that I’m passionate about that I can’t look in to all of them. I have to many. I view everyone as an individual but myself. I’m trying to view myself as an individual but that’s hard to do than to view everyone as one. I don’t really know how I would find the why even if I had time to research all the things I enjoy.
Science hasn’t shown that. I don’t have the ability to take a break. I have to keep going to school and keep trying to get all the work done. Ugh I really need to get those summtives done