I had a very difficult childhood. My dad abused my mother emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically. When they weren’t fighting he was laughing and she was angry. She was angry at me and my two siblings. We often times stayed over with our grandmother after school and she was hell for me. Everyday I was told how fat and how stupid I was. She didn’t ever say those things to them. At least not as much. This went on and on and my parents finally got divorced when I was 12. My dad acted as if he couldn’t wait to leave. They screamed and yelled at each other and made harsh comments near constantly. This was around the time I had my first bout of suicidal thoughts. I felt like no one gave a crap about me. No one at all. My mother was dealing with paying all the bills that were piling up. My grandmother decided to pitch in and she got even more harsh as the years passed. Me and my siblings fought more and near hated each other. I closed into myself and started living inside my brain. I went to school and hated going because I felt stupid there and when I went home I felt even worse. A year later, I had put myself out there and signed up to be apart of the tennis team at school. My mother had to drive me to practice extra early every morning and she made it obvious she hated it. One particular day she snapped at me and she screamed and said she wished she’d never had kids and she wished she never met my father. After that point my brain was never the same. My mother started dating again and it seemed like each guy she would bring around was the same as my father. We struggled to pay our bills so we had to move.
My grandmother died when I was 15. It hit my family hard because she helped pay our bills. I noticed near right away that it had hit everyone else harder than it hit me. I was relieved and I felt terrible about it. My mom started seeing someone before she died. He stuck around longer than all the rest and he was abusive and selfish. He moved in with us and me and my siblings hated him. Our mother didn’t care and she knew he was a bad person yet still she let him stay. Our finances became worse and worse as I went through high school. I wanted to go to a school far away and be able to support myself on my own. That dream was quickly crushed when in my junior year it was quickly pointed out to me that I didn’t have good enough grades nor extracurriculars to afford me scholarships. We didn’t have the money to pay for school so I was stuck at home. All while this was happening my suicidal thoughts were getting worse and worse because we had to visit my father every other weekend. It seemed all my parents would ever talk about was how they hated each other. My dad was on the path to recovery and he had joined a church and forced us to go with him every weekend. I hated it. He would always act so high and mighty like he was a better version of himself but I’d still catch glimpses of the man he was before.
My mom finally conceded and kicked out the crap boyfriend a year and a half ago because we had to move for the 3rd time into a smaller house. She still brings around more guys but since I have a full time job I don’t give her the chance to make me deal with it. I avoid her. Since my grandmother died she took over the role of making me feel like crap. Nothing I ever do is good enough for her. I feel stuck in this place and I can’t get out. I don’t really talk to anyone about anything because she’s perpetually labeled me as lazy and mean. She got diagnosed with thyroid cancer last year. It was minor and she had to have surgery to remove it but it still scared me. Before that point the people in my family knew that I want happy. They knew I hadn’t been happy for a very long time. Yet no one really cared enough to actually help. My aunt cane to visit us when my mother was in the hospital. I told her about how I wanted to basically live in a hole the rest of my life because I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything else. She brushed it off with my sister saying that I was only going through a phase of depression. It wasn’t permanent. I’d alway thought of depression as something other people had. I was just sad and hopeless and that was normal to me. I remember thinking when she said that that I had always felt that way so I didn’t believe that it was a phase. Throughout this entire year I’ve retreated into myself trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. After a few months I finally admitted to myself that I had depression. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for 9 years and I thought they’d go away but they just got worse with time. Since I admitted there was a problem I’ve tried to reach out to the few people I care about. Every time they tell me to go somewhere else for help or don’t respond at all. I hate where I’m at in life and I hate myself. In the past couple months I’ve found a small community online that I truly feel apart of. I love it there and it’s the only place where I feel happy. But as time has passed the thoughts are creeping back. Telling me I’m not good enough for them, I don’t fit in with them, they don’t want me there, etc. I want this to work out. I want it more than anything I’ve ever wanted. I feel like this is my true family and my brain doesn’t want to accept that. The thoughts never leave me. They’re always creeping in the shadows waiting to pounce when I’m not looking. I’m tired. I’m hopeless. I want to make them happy. How do I do that when I can’t?
@BookNerd14 Wow. You have been through so much and I’m so sorry for how your family has been treating you and for what you’ve been through. I’m so sorry that your parents haven’t been good parents. It’s an unfortunate fact that some parents don’t understand what a blessing being able to have a child is. I don’t know what your mother got out of telling you that she wished she never had kids; maybe it was just the stress of the situation. It sounds more likely that she really was a bad parent. But either way, I’m sorry that she took that out on you. You didn’t deserve that. Your father… Well, some people don’t change. Maybe he is trying, and that’s a good thing. It can take a while to get out of previous habits we had. Sometimes they won’t go away completely. If he’s making progress, then that’s good. If it’s just superficial, he’ll eventually slip and go back to where he was, or he’ll make things worse and you’ll know where he stands.
First I want to say that if you haven’t seen your doctor about your depression yet, you should. S/He may be able to set you on a path to feeling better. May be able to do something to help work on making the thoughts less prevalent in your mind. To be honest, it sounds like you need to get out of the household and be on your own, and to be getting help from your doctor and/or a therapist to start the healing process. It sounds like a toxic household because of your mother, and it’s hard to feel better and heal when you’re stuck in a toxic household.
People (this could possibly be your aunt but also it’s just people in general) who don’t understand depression and other mental health issues tend to brush them off, sometimes they don’t know what to say. Sometimes they’re scared of the diagnosis. Sometimes it looks like they don’t care when they do, they just don’t know how to take the information. They don’t understand the support that we need. This is especially true of the older generations because times have changed and they didn’t focus on mental illnesses like we do today.
As to your mother’s cancer, it’s completely understandable that you would be scared. Cancer is a scary thing. Even if she hasn’t been the best mother, she was still there your whole life. You still love her despite the way she’s treated you, and it’s scary that she might not be there in the future. My mother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago, a very basic case that’s easily treatable according to the doctors, and I can tell you, I’m scared about what might happen. What if something goes wrong during the whole process? I know I have to learn to trust the process, but all the what if’s of what’s to come are still scary.
I’m sorry that you don’t have the money to go to college, but there are other options these days. You can get a loan if you don’t mind having a debt for a bit. Or you can search for grants. There are places that will help for people with low income with college tuition. You could take classes at home on the computer, or go to a local community college during the day and work at night. It doesn’t matter what age you are; it’s never too late to start learning something new, it’s never too late to start college or to finish college.
My last comment is this: Stop trying to make them happy, and start trying to make yourself happy. You said it yourself. You can’t make them happy. So, don’t worry about making them happy. At least not right now. I know that’s easier said than done, but… You should come first for you. It’s ok to focus on making yourself the best that you can be.
I assure you that the things you do have a point, and we care.
Hey @BookNerd14,
Thank you so much for opening up and being here. You have been through a lot and it can be difficult to share about this and go into details.
I am so sorry you’ve been through all of this. It’s not surprising to hear that you feel tired and you’re dealing with negative thoughts. Every thing you described in your message is not defining who you are or conditioning how your life is going to be. You’ve been surrounded by others problems during so many years. It has affected you and the way you see yourself. But I can tell you my friend that you are truly beautiful just as you are. You didn’t receive the attention you needed in your family because they were dealing with their own struggles… but it’s not an excuse. Also, the way they behaved doesn’t say anything about who you are. You matter. And I’ve got to say that I feel what you described. Even if our stories are different, I can relate so much. So… right now I’m just really proud of you.
I also grew up in a family where there was violence, between my parents + between my mom and her kids. There is an history of violence in my mom’s family and she brought her traumas in our own family. She told me so many times about her horrible childhood, without even acknowledging the fact that she was doing the same with us. So I can say that my first experience in this world was to witness violence from someone I love towards someone I love too. It began when I was 1 yr old and lasted for almost 10 years.
But somehow, as kids, we still manage to go through this. I knew something was wrong, deep inside, but I couldn’t realize that it was a dysfunctional family. Just like you, as I couldn’t understand and explain the feelings I had, I started to live in my own mind. I felt invisible, whether it was at school or at home. I can still see myself repeating “I’m a ghost” when I couldn’t help but crying at night. Despite the fact everyone was counting on me when they needed comfort. I spent so many years without having someone asking me, honestly: “how are you?”, and not as a pretext to start talking about them. So I’m 26 now, I don’t have kids, but it feels like I’ve been a parent for most of my life already. I stopped my mother from commiting suicide, I hold my father, mother and siblings in my arms when they were struggling and crying so many times.
Until I was ~22, just like you, I thought that depression was something others had. Even if I thought regularly “maybe it IS depression”, I kept going on without taking it into account. I’ve been through years of denial and it felt more comfortable to think that something was wrong with me and I wasn’t fitted for this world. Depression couldn’t be possible. So when I was diagnosed with a high-functioning depression, it was a shock. And it was really hard to make others understand, especially because of that kind of depression. But it really helped to hear it from a professional, so I can only echo what @Daisy said before about that. I also tried to tell my family about it… but they really didn’t care. They kept going on like I didn’t say anything so I had do deal with this in silence, just like everything else.
It’s obvious that growing up in this kind of environment affects us and, somehow but not entirely, shapes us. It is a slow process to overcome the effects of it. There are wounds to be healed, thoughts to be changed, new experiences, positive ones, to be lived. But it IS possible. The very fact you can share about it, and by being aware of what’s going on: depression, negative thoughts, feeling like you don’t fit in - shows that you already made a very huge step and you’re on the right path. Even if sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards, even if sometimes it feels like doing so many efforts is not worth it… it is worth it. Because circumstances always change in your life, as you grow up, as you experience new things, as you meet new people… and as you keep trying.
Both you and I didn’t ask for what happened in the past. But we can’t pretend to know what will be in the future. So I want to tell you this: There is hope. What happened in your life was not your fault. You’ll overcome your inner struggles, the thoughts saying you’re not enough or not worth it and so many other lies. You deserve to feel surrounded by people who sincerely care about you. You are worthy. You are loved. And you are beautiful just as you are right now. It will take some time to tame the negative thoughts. That’s normal. Also allowing yourself to trust others in the community you mentioned, to accept the fact you are entirely part of it may feel risky and uncomfortable sometimes. But step by step, you’ll manage to do this. You’ll be able to let enter in your life the love you deserve.
I’d like to mention that there’s a depression workbook (and other helpful resources) available on HS website which could be interesting for you, and you can afford it for free: https://heartsupport.com/resources/. Also, anytime you want to vent, talk, share about anything, do not hesitate to come here or on Discord. I haven’t been here for a long time, but I can tell that even sometimes this community still feels unreal to me, it really is a safe place where you won’t be judged or rejected.
You are not alone my friend. You don’t have to make others happy, especially when you’re already struggling. Your top priority for the moment is yourself. Especially because you don’t have to do anything to make others happy. You only have to be yourself and live your life. If you feel great in the online community you mentioned, then there’s no doubt people there appreciate you and are blessed by your presence. If being in this community feels like it is your true family… then it can induce a lot of new feelings and sensations. So your mind can be reluctant, and that’s why you need to surround yourself with every help available that allows you to be safe and to feel comfortable. Whether it’s caring people, activities, services available near where you live as Daisy mentioned too.
You’ll get there, friend. We care about you. 
@Daisy thank you for the reply. It means the world to me that you took the time out of your day to actually read and respond. I want to expand on what I said so that I feel like I can give you a bigger picture.
My dad got remarried a year and a half ago. It came out of nowhere and when it happened me and my siblings had barely even gotten to know who she was. She’s nice and has two sons. One who’s my age and one who’s around 10. He moved two hours away and I believe he’s happy now. We don’t talk much. Whenever I’m pressured to visit I still see small glimpses of anger and I wait for him to burst but it’s never happened. He has more of a relationship with my brother than me. He doesn’t talk about my mom anymore other than when we bring her up. My mom hates him. She hates his new wife even tho they’ve never met. A month ago I experienced deja vu because I was in the car alone with her just like the first time and the same thing happened. But it was worse. She said she just wanted to believe I was motivated to do something with my life and that she hated that I’m not responsible enough to get a good paying job. She said the same thing again. She wished she’d never met my father and never had kids. She said sorry afterwards but I wasn’t in the state of mind to really care.
After high school I ended up going to the local community college with help from grants and I payed the rest with my own money from working full time. I graduated with an Associates in English last year. She says she feels like I wasted my time because I don’t know what I want to do with it. She wants me to become a teacher or a librarian but to me that’s just not enough. I don’t really like people all that much. That would make me hate life even more. I want to go to film school but that idea seems way mire out of my league than is possible.
I work full time now. I can’t afford to move out because she can barely pay the bills and asks for extra money all the time. I don’t make enough to support myself as is.
I can’t afford medication or therapy. It makes me uncomfortable to think I’d be hyped up on drugs and a piece of me would disappear.
I hope this expanded a bit on the situation. Again, thank you so much for the support and I greatly appreciate it 
.
@Micro you don’t understand just how much this means to me. The time you took to actually read and reply means the world. No ones actually sat and listened before.
The community I’m in is filled with people who are like me and have mental struggles. It feels like I’m on cloud 9 when I’m there but leaving makes my heart drop. They are all wonderful people. Thank you for the support and I will check out what you sent me.
Your situation was not your fault either. I may be younger and way more inexperienced in life but I know that you deserve everything. We both feel like we need to take care of others before ourselves and most of the time it’s never reciprocated. I do feel like I have a place to talk about this so thank you for making me feel better today.
Hey @BookNerd14,
Thank you so much for your reply. Your words means a lot.
I hope today will be a great day for you. Take care.
MicrosmosK is so good with advice. Take everything she tells you to heart. She means what she says, and she always speaks the truth.
I’m glad your dad seems happy. I’m going to stick to my comment though, and say time will tell if he’s really changed. You see the anger in him because that’s what you’ve seen for the majority of your life. It’s what you’ve learned to expect. The right therapist would be able to give you tools to help heal from that. I hope for your sake that he has gotten control of his anger and can have a better relationship with you, even if it is a long distance relationship and you don’t talk to him as often.
I’m sorry that your mom still says terrible things to you. I’m glad you went to college and got a degree. That’s awesome! Education is never a waste. I realize it costs a lot, but you don’t know where it’s going to take you in life. You don’t know when or where you might need to use what you learned. Education of any kind is never a waste.
I get not wanting to take the meds. I hate taking them I hate the side effects of them. I’ve tried over a dozen different ones for depression so far and none of them have done anything for me. The side effects can be scary. BUT at the same time, the right one will bring a chemical balance to your brain, and no piece of you will disappear. I’m not saying that can’t happen, but the right one will enhance your life, not make you disappear. The pros and cons would be something to talk to your doctor about if you ever have the chance. I’m sorry that you don’t have insurance or the money to go to the doctor. I hope one day that you are able to make regular trips to get a diagnosis and get some healing.
Keep going. We’re here to listen whenever you need someone to talk to.