It feels like everything is happening at the same time. There has been so much shit that went south so frequently after each other. It’s all really scary and I don’t quite know how to handle it all. The list is as follows:
My dog, Rascal, is dying. He’s having seizures and I witnessed him have a really bad one back in March and I honestly thought he was going to die right then and there. Luckily he didn’t, but I fear that if he has another really bad one like that he won’t survive it. He wasn’t able to hold himself up on the entire left side of his body. It wasn’t paralyzed, just very weak. Which at first made me think he had a stroke, but his bloodwork came back clean and the vet said it was unlikely a stroke because the bloodwork was absolutely fine. And my other dog, Rascal’s sister, had a nasty stroke and acted the same that he did so that helped me come to the conclusion that he just had an extremely bad seizure.
My mom was in the ER Friday (4/21) night because she was having extreme pain. That pain turned out to be her gallbladder and so now she needs that removed. Do I know the date of that surgery? No, I don’t. I wish I knew because not knowing worries me that I’m going to get a call randomly from the hospital saying that she didn’t make it through the surgery. I want to expect that call if that makes sense. I want to expect the worst so that I’m pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn’t happen. But, I’ll be honest, any surgery is scary because there are risks no matter what.
My dad is dying and I can’t stop it. He’s getting chemo treatments for the 3rd time right now and it’s hitting him really hard. He has colon cancer that metastasized into his lungs a while back. He was on chemo when the mets in his lungs were first discovered and then he had to take a break from it because he was getting so so tired and so so sick. Now he’s back on it because his levels have raised significantly and his oncologist said it was time to resume treatment. He’s had to refuse the nausea medication that they provide alongside the chemo infusion because it makes him feel incredibly drowsy. So much so that when he would get home from work at like 4:30-5:00ish he would sleep until it was time to get up for work the next morning at around 6:30. He wasn’t able to make it up to the University I attend to see me in the production of Pride & Prejudice we put on this past weekend (4/21-4/23). I want to help him. I want to make his pain go away. I want to make this just a bit more bearable, but I can’t and I hate it. I want to give my dad a hug that lasts and eternity, but I’m not able to do that. I have responsibilities here at the university and I have commitments that I can’t just drop to rush home. I also don’t drive so I would have to have someone come get me and that’s not always possible. It’s really an awful situation and I want to make it better, but I can’t. This is out of my control and I want to reign it in.
I got all of this news in te span of four (4) days. It’s been a real rollercoaster of a time and I want to get off the ride. It’s exhausting and I want to be able to rest from these things, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that. Not knowing what’s going to be the result of these situations is very unnerving and anxiety inducing for me. I’ve been intermittently crying since Thursday (4/20) and I want to stop. I don’t like crying. I don’t like showing this type of weakness. I want to always have a brave face on, but that brave face is breaking down and crumbling. I need to stay strong. If not for me then for my dad, my mom, and Rascal. I can’t let emotions get in the way of my commitments and my responsibilities. They need to wait to show their faces until the more important things are over. But I can’t wait until they’re over. They’re happening everywhere at all times. I want to get off this rollercoaster ride, but it seems to be never ending.
You are going through so so much and I am incredibly sorry that you have one of these things happening right now let alone all four.
Your Beautiful Doggy Rascal - That must have been so frightening to witness that seizure back in March, the fear of thinking he was going to die and really not being able to do anything about it is awful and upsetting to say the least, I for one love my animals as much as any human and seeing them go through anything like that would break my heart and It sounds like not knowing but having that memory of Rascals sister has upped your anxiety and again that makes sense. It sounds like you take incredible care of him and the one thing we can always do for our animal babies is just to make sure the end of their life is as peaceful and comfortable as the rest of it has been and I have no dout that you will do that for Rascal.
Your Mum - I am sorry about your Mum, that is indeed very painful to need gallbladder surgery, has the hospital definately said she is to have it removed? I know this is yet another worry for you but I would like you to try not to worry about this unless your mum is in the habit of not telling you things because they will give her a date to come in so she will have time to inform you. Of course its scary when a loved one goes into surgery, there is always that risk but I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons and living in horrendous pain is not a choice. I get what you mean about expecting the worst though, its kind of my mantra in life. Your mum is going to be so relieved to have that thing out and free from pain she wont be able to not tell you she is ok. You are a kind and caring person its special to care about everyone and everything but you also have to care for yourself a bit.
Your Dad - This my friend is hard, this is another situation that is out of anyones control and its so very sad and again I am sorry and I wish I had some magical words that made it all ok for you. I cannot imagine for one moment watching your dad go through all of that.
I completely understand how you want to make it all stop, to take it away especially the pain and it is so unfair that no one can do that, it sucks that anyone has to go through something like this.
In a way I am glad you have responsabilities elsewhere as it means you have a place where you are firmly rooted that is not in the middle of all that is going on, it means you can take time to go and see your dad and spend precious time with him, visit with mum etc but be able to go back and separate yourself a little and give youself time to breathe.
Fae, none of this is ever going to be in your control and that is a frightening prospect but I hope you have people around you that can support you through it and of course you have this community that are always here to listen and just be here. You are so loved. Lisa. x
P.s there is no weakness in crying, if anything it shows courage. if you need to cry, get it all out. keeping all that inside is toxic. xxx
I’m so sorry, that’s so much to deal with, including chronic stuff with your dad. This is emotionally difficult. You can cry if it will help you. Holding it all inside isn’t “being strong”. I get the urge to stuff it all down, to deal with it later. But YOU deserve care too. You’re dealing with a lot.
I hope you are able to have a few moments in the day where you allow yourself to just be, to just feel. To just let go.
Here’s a secret - Rascal, your mom, your dad. They all want to support you through this too. They see you being strong, but they also want you to be okay.
If you cried in front of them, they would not think less of you. You won’t be adding to their problems. You can’t change the circumstances, medical stuff is hard to make sense of and to make peace with. But try to create little moments in between the shared tears where you can take pics, make videos, create memories, take Rascal’s paw prints in paint, whatever it is…
There may be support groups for your dad and yourself available in your area or connected to the hospital? Maybe you can look to see if there are groups that you can share your feelings in.
You’re loved, friend. Hope you remember to take care of yourself while you’re taking care of everyone else.