I dont know where to even begin. Im a 15 year old selling drugs. Im not poor or anything i just do it because of the rush, the hustle, being able to support myself. my dad hates me, i honestly never thought my father would hate me more than my brother when he was my age smoking pot, but here we are. im planning on killing myself tbh, i already know for a fact in the future im going to grow up to be nobody the path im going down. im going to shoot my brains out. I dont know when, maybe next month, maybe in a week. But im going to do it. i dont have any friends, i mean i have people i smoke weed with but after we smoke a joint or my bong together we just part ways. My parents found my stash, so im not allowed to go outside whatsoever. Being stuck inside this house is bringing back memories from covid times. my whole life has been nothing but pity, anger, horrible luck, and just pure sadness and emptiness. kind of weird how a couple of years ago when i was my extroverted and energetic self nobody really liked me and thought i was weird, when i was literally just trying to make other people happy. But now, now that im selling drugs, now that im quiet, now that i smoke weed, now im attractive, and now that im at my rock bottom everybody wants to claim they fuck with me. So you know what im done. Im not going to let my life become this way. Im empty, and will always be empty. I dont even know why im writing this at all to be honest, i guess i just want some proof that i existed.
You exist alright! You’ve got some pretty powerful emotions behind those words you wrote!
I’m sorry that you can’t seem to find a reason to live this life, that ending it seems like a much better option…
I think one of the deepest wounds we can experience is hate from our birth father. I think they’re supposed be our first and best defender, the protectors and providers for their kids. I’m sorry you don’t have that with your Dad.
I spent COVID listening to Tim Keller podcasts. He’s a Bible guy who speaks from a heart of a good father. Maybe listening to a few of his talks would be soothing to you soul…you can find him on YouTube.
There is meaning to be found in living this life. I hope that you’ll give it more of a chance. All of the potential of who you could be, and what only you can add to this world would be lost. It would be a tragic loss~
Well, that’s a good place to begin. This is a very difficult time for young man. Even the guys that look like they’re doing all right, have a lot of internal struggle. You may be attracted to the rush of hustling, but the approach you are taking results in anxiety, confusion, depression, and debilitating guilt.
Anger is not equal to hate. Does he hate you, or does he feel very strong opposition to your actions?
I felt the same way when I was your age, and the school counselor even agreed with me. That’s when I dropped out, left home, and went to work. Actually, I was suicidal from an earlier age. I attempted it when I was 10.
That was a long time ago, and I’m glad that I didn’t succeed at suicide.
My son went through a period of time when he believed his fellow drug users were friends, but he finally figured out, when the drugs weren’t around, neither were they.
You aren’t empty! At the moment you are full of negative emotions and perceptions. If you were a sentient vehicle (one capable of thinking), in your current state of mind, it would be thinking about driving off a cliff because it’s air/fuel mixture is out of adjustment.
Awaken from the mental fog of negativity. It may not be easy, but it’s doable.
Rather than end your life, end the parts of it that don’t work for you.
You’ve been quiet, and you’ve been extroverted. Now you can work on finding a balance between those traits.
Those that accept their weirdness, enjoy freedom from feeling compelled to conform to the shallow values that are so common among their peers. A weird person who is also confident, tends to attract friends that are worth knowing.
You’re 15. Get used to facing your mistakes and learning from them. It will seem as though the world is changing around you, but it’ll be you changing your relationship to the world.
It’s far too early to shit can your life. Besides, you’re among friends here. Keep talking to us, I think it’ll help.
Hey SussiestBaka, I can relate to you in a couple ways. One, that I too was an energetic “weird” kid in high school seeking to be liked. And the other that I super respect and resonate with our desire to live a better life, that you’re not happy with how things are and can’t bear the thought of it going on that way is understandable. I too went through some times where I did not like who I was or thought I was, and when I look back on that I realize it was really a part of me that knew it wasn’t true and was screaming out against it, hoping without hope that there was something else to me. The fact that it felt this way was only proof that there was a better self and a better life. At your age you may not have the circumstances to find a new way vet but trust me if you see this chapter through you will look back on it one day as something that made vou deeper. Finding new people to surround yourself with and reaching for that kinder self perspective that attracts those kinder people can amaze you. Be patient things don’t change overnight, but they do get better.