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Everything is heavy


#1

So over the weekend I got into a “thing” with my boyfriend. I say thing because it wasn’t an argument and it wasn’t a fight, I’m not to sure what to categorize it as.

He was explaining to me some of his current feelings about his father. (To give this some context, my boyfriend’s father was bipolar and committed suicide. My boyfriend is also bipolar.) There’s a lot for him that’s buried there and a lot that he’s currently working through(and yes he sees a therapist)
But at this current time I was also dealing with some of my own things that for me are really emotionally heavy. The anniversary of my best friends death just passed and there’s a lot surrounding that that I’m currently working on through. I told my boyfriend that I was listening, but I wasnt really in a place to respond or emotionally help at the time. He got really quiet and when I asked what was wrong he explained that he has this expectation for people to be able to push their things to the side to be able to deal with what he’s telling them because that’s what he does for other people. That kind of took me by surprise and I told him that that’s not something I’m really able to do, that we’re both really emotional people who are dealing with a lot and it might happen that one of us isn’t in a place to help the other. He didn’t really seem to understand that because he flopped back to leaning on my leg and started talking about his dad again. Which normally I wouldn’t have a problem with but I just explained to him that I wasn’t in a place to emotionally help or receive that. He was pretty upset and said that he did expect that of me, because it’s what he does for others

We talked about it last night and I explained to him that for me that was a bit of an unfair expectation. He didn’t really respond and we hung up.

I got to work this morning andstarted sobbing and I’m not sure if it’s because I miss my friend so freaking much or if it was because of the stuff with my boyfriend. Its probably both. Everything is so damn heavy right now. I’m trying to convince myself that I did the right thing and that I’m not an awful and selfish girlfriend but that thought keeps creeping back into my head and damnit I want my friend back he was the one person on this planet who truly truly understood me and even though it’s been three years I’m still hurting and getting used to not having him around.

Last night I went into my art drawer and stared at my pencil sharpener and thought seriously about taking it apart and relapsing. I didn’t, I stopped myself. That was the first time I’ve had those thoughts in awhile. They’ve been running through my head all day.

This post is a mess but this is the one place I know I can come to with this(other than my therapists office)

-Jedi


#2

I think that you’re reading too much about what your boyfriend said. He admitted to having an expectation from others. This doesn’t mean you have to meet those expectations. I don’t know if he was telling you about his expectation as a rebuke like you’re not providing for him like he’s provided for you…or he said that as a recognition of a flaw that he has.

We all have expectations. There are expectations yet meeting expectations isn’t mandatory. Expectations are just a term for assumptions. Having Assumptions carry a risk for disappointment.

Mind you I am not saying that he is wrong or that you are wrong. I am saying that you did nothing wrong. You set your boundaries. You never said that you’ll never help him. You admitted that at the present or at the moment that you couldn’t provide the aid that he sought after.

My condolences on your friend. Losing someone that you care for is always a huge struggle and the pain doesn’t go away.

Be patient. Be strong. Hang in there. I cheer you on.


#3

Hey friend,

Thank you for opening up. I’m proud of you. I’m glad you feel safe here.

I’ve too been in kind of the same place in regards to relapsing. I remember getting an art pencil kit and it came with a sharpener and at the time all I could think of is wanting to use it to self injure. I went to a close friend about it, then to the community.

Just know you are not alone. I believe in you.

Keep fighting. It’s ok to not be ok right now just not ok to stay that way.

Maybe try and talk more with your significant other about what was going on and how you feel if it’s safe to do so.

Love,
Lys


#4

Hey friend!

Thank you for sharing this with us, it shows a lot of courage and vulnerability. I can tell that you love your boyfriend and that you are a caring person who is also in touch with yourself and your own needs, that’s very good.

Now, to your story. I think it is rather unfair of your boyfriend to expect you to always be emotionally available for him, regardless of your emotional state. And the fact that he is using his ability to supposedly do the same for others shows, perhaps, a little bit of maturity on his part. I’m sure he has his own demons to work through, so I encourage you to show grace and understanding for him, even when he’s being a bit selfish.

Now to you: do not feel ashamed of how you acted. If you are not in a place to accept the emotional baggage from him, hear me when I say THAT IS OKAY! Do not let shame get to you. From what you told us, it sounds like you handled it beautifully. So as you move foreword, do not be afraid to lovingly stand your ground and preserve your emotional health and do not kick yourself for it afterwards. Your emotional health should be your top priority, because when you are in a healthy place, than you can pour into your boyfriend and be who he needs you to be.

My heart grieves over the loss of your friend - I am so sorry. I know that there is nothing I can say that will take the pain away. We love you and i’ll Keep you in my prayers.

Stay strone friend!

There is hope. This’ll pass. Everything does.

Hold fast!

Your friend, Sam.