So over the weekend I got into a “thing” with my boyfriend. I say thing because it wasn’t an argument and it wasn’t a fight, I’m not to sure what to categorize it as.
He was explaining to me some of his current feelings about his father. (To give this some context, my boyfriend’s father was bipolar and committed suicide. My boyfriend is also bipolar.) There’s a lot for him that’s buried there and a lot that he’s currently working through(and yes he sees a therapist)
But at this current time I was also dealing with some of my own things that for me are really emotionally heavy. The anniversary of my best friends death just passed and there’s a lot surrounding that that I’m currently working on through. I told my boyfriend that I was listening, but I wasnt really in a place to respond or emotionally help at the time. He got really quiet and when I asked what was wrong he explained that he has this expectation for people to be able to push their things to the side to be able to deal with what he’s telling them because that’s what he does for other people. That kind of took me by surprise and I told him that that’s not something I’m really able to do, that we’re both really emotional people who are dealing with a lot and it might happen that one of us isn’t in a place to help the other. He didn’t really seem to understand that because he flopped back to leaning on my leg and started talking about his dad again. Which normally I wouldn’t have a problem with but I just explained to him that I wasn’t in a place to emotionally help or receive that. He was pretty upset and said that he did expect that of me, because it’s what he does for others
We talked about it last night and I explained to him that for me that was a bit of an unfair expectation. He didn’t really respond and we hung up.
I got to work this morning andstarted sobbing and I’m not sure if it’s because I miss my friend so freaking much or if it was because of the stuff with my boyfriend. Its probably both. Everything is so damn heavy right now. I’m trying to convince myself that I did the right thing and that I’m not an awful and selfish girlfriend but that thought keeps creeping back into my head and damnit I want my friend back he was the one person on this planet who truly truly understood me and even though it’s been three years I’m still hurting and getting used to not having him around.
Last night I went into my art drawer and stared at my pencil sharpener and thought seriously about taking it apart and relapsing. I didn’t, I stopped myself. That was the first time I’ve had those thoughts in awhile. They’ve been running through my head all day.
This post is a mess but this is the one place I know I can come to with this(other than my therapists office)