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Everything is just so painful

I have anxiety, but I have been struggling with depression since my freshman year of high school, now I am a junior. These have been the longest years of my life and it feels like it has been 10 years since freshman year. All I usually ever see are my mistakes and because of my anxiety I start hating myself and feeling like a disappointment whenever I make some mad, upset, or disappointed.
At times I feel like I dont know who my true friends are, but that mostly happened last year. I am very anti-social most of the time and I hate that I cant talk more or keep up a conversation. Other times I am not anti-social, but every immature and after I calm down I hate myself for acting like that. I dont cut myself, but I try to do things that I know will make me hate myself, so I can suffer more like get my mom made to the point that she yells at me (I am very sensitive for a guy). I honestly hope I get cancer so I could suffer more. I know the affects of cancer since six of my family had cancer before.
But the thing that makes me hate myself to the point that I want to die, is a not at all legal thought at all. It comes in my head some times and I am like “This is not ok, I wish I had the courage to kill myself.” I am scared that I might end up acting on my thoughts.
I dont want to feel like this anymore, but at the same time I want the day where I snap and feel emotionless to happen. I just want to be happy again so I can stop making dark jokes and focus on my future. Well I focus on my future, but not in a positive way.
I know I am not alone in this, but I feel like I am

Please get some help. I know thats the last thing you want to do right now, but I promise you, it will help you the most. Letting people in and letting them know how you are feeling is a step in the right direction. Life is such a beautiful gift, you dont want to waste that. You will regret it. Just keep holding on and keep living. There will be an end to the suffering and the pain.

@linkisbad666

It’s okay to feel anti-social and struggle to talk or share. You’re sharing now. And you’ve shown a lot of courage and maturity in doing that. Be proud of yourself for that! It can take time to find people that we can trust and be willing to open up to.

It’s okay to make mistakes. We all do.

It’s okay to disappoint people. We all do.

Being sad isn’t a bad thing. Being angry isn’t a bad thing. Those are feelings and they are part of who you are. You have a right to feel those things. Don’t run from them. If you can, find a safe person to express them to.

You’re not horrible person because you have dark thoughts, we all wrestle with that to varying degrees. You are in a dark spot right now - your thoughts are going to be dark. But, if you are beginning to dwell on them and considering acting on them, you need to find help.

I love you and I am praying for you.

Hey buddy I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. I’m a senior in high school and I used to be very awkward and antisocial. I was able to fix my social anxiety by practicing my social skills by getting out more whether that be a simple thing like going to the store, contributing more to class discussions, and just all around talking more and practicing the art of the conversation. This might sound crazy but to force myself to break out of my shell I took a class where all you do is presentations and it has helped me tremendously to now where I’m at the point where I’m not scared of social interaction anymore. It’s gonna be tough but I know you’re strong enough to push through and break out of your shell. Just know if I can do it you can do it. We’re all rooting for you!!! You can do it!!!