I had a massive fight with my mother this morning, which drained so much of my energy. Yesterday she made fun of my mental health and my struggles to not be able to go to school sometimes. I’m afraid to talk to her about what’s on my mind.
I can’t talk to my friends either. They’ll turn it into a competition of who has it the worst. They always do.
I feel so numb yet so filled with pain. I hate it.
I have so much homework left to do and so many exams to study for but I can’t even find the motivation to get up. It’s hell, really.
I feel nauseous reading this. It brings me back to my college days, the worst times of my life. I really feel for you.
Fighting is so draining. I can be belligerent, but after just a short while I shut down because I don’t want to be there anymore. That’s a terrible way to start off a day, so of course it wasn’t a great day.
I’m sorry your friends aren’t more supportive. Bonding over things like mental health can be toxic if you don’t take it in turns to be supportive. All they’d really have to do for starters is say “I hear what you’re saying, that sucks, and I’m sorry you’re going through that.” If they can’t do that much, they’re pretty self-absorbed, even if they are in dark places. If you feed your energy to them and don’t get anything back out, then the friendships are only going one way. You need to preserve your emotional energy for yourself, and for that to happen you either need to dismiss the notion that your friends will support you or leave your friends behind. That may seem harsh, but I’ve left friendships where my emotional needs weren’t being met. One in particular wasn’t even sulky–it was a group that liked to party and have fun and escape the drudgery of daily living. Toxic friends can hobble you, and you may be surprised how good you feel if you set yourself free and stop sticking with them just because they’re your “friends.”
Do you have access to alternative public high schools, like charter schools or online schools? I know less about that area, but I do know of several people who went to an alternative public high school and thrived because their behavioral needs were addressed better than they were at the one-size-fits-all local school.