I don’t even know, where to actually start. I’m so bored and tired. Everyday is the same. Nothing ever happens. Everything’s so plain.
But I’m also tired. Physically, I mean. No matter how much sleep I get or how good it is. I’m constantly tired and lack the motivation to actually do something. It’s such a hell hole. I want things to change, but can’t find the motivation to do something for it. I honestly forgot, what it’s like to feel something else besides boredom or sadness? I just don’t know. I don’t remember. It’s been such a long time, since I was actually happy. When there’s nothing going on, you have time. So much time, to think. And I often find myself thinking; Do I still feel something? Or not? I’m so confused. I can’t even put it into words. Another thing driving me crazy is my phone. Looking at it gives me anxiety. My heart starts beating so fast, every time I pick it up. So many bad things are connected to it. Honestly, all I want is a new phone, so I don’t have to remember all the nights I cried because of it. No idea if this even makes sense. My mother says it doesn’t. But honestly, I don’t care anymore.
My father’s birthday is tomorrow. I have yet to get him a present. I thought about drawing him something, like I did for my mother. But I can’t find the motivation to pick up my pen. And even if I do, my mind goes blank the second I do. It’s as if I lose all the progress I made in the second, I start to draw. I feel bad, that he most likely won’t be getting something, because my dumbass self is too fucking depressed to put effort into something. I hate it. I hate myself for this.