I don’t know what to do anymore… Let me start at the beginning… For as long as I can remember, I have never had any real friends in school. In the fourth grade, I thought i’d had a friend and for the next few years we always went Trick or Treating together, but… there was another girl and she would always pick on me for my size and appearance. This went on for a year until I changed schools. At this next school, in the fifth grade, I met two girls… Emily and Haley. Emily was very tall and had a jock type figure while Haley was a bit scrawny and the same size as I was. Everyday, Haley would pick on me and tease me, saying that I didn’t belong there and that I ruined their “best friendship”. Emily on the other hand would act nice until she started throwing me around during recess and a few times in the classroom when she would tackle me and pull on my hair. This was about the worse it got that year. (Sometimes rocks would be thrown though) In sixth grade, everything was pretty normal… it was a fairly good year for me! Later on, into seventh grade, I met a group of girls and found out what online dating was. Let’s start with the online dating haha. I was 13 at the time and the guy I had originally dated was 17. He lived in england so this only made it worse. We dated for about a week or two before I moved on with my life. This wasn’t so much traumatic as it was an experience I don’t think i’d forget. With the girls, they were nice to me at first… but when I tried to get involved in any group activities or tried to do anything with them, I was shut down. They started talking rudely of me and later on said it to my face everyday. This continued into eighth grade when there were even more of them now. During gym everyday, it would be their group and one other girl who would tease me. Occasionally i’d get punched in the gut by this girl who was 6’2. (I’m 5’1 so you can imagine how well it worked out when I tried to get it to stop) They’d always attack me for everything… How I ran, how I got dressed and undressed, how I walked… everything. This lead to me being homeschooled. It was great at first but then I started slacking off and getting in trouble with my mother. She had always been rude to me and never truly cared about me since it was my sister who deserved all of the attention. She would blame me and yell at me for everything, even things that I couldn’t have done. A few months later, around Christmas, she got cancer and decided it was her time for redemption and started to act like she actually cared about me. Of course, I have to pretend that I do care, though i’ll NEVER say that I love her. This caused my second oldest sister to spiral and attempt suicide. She has since been okay but my other sister, the one who has all of my mother attention, she kind of just lost everything. (At her own doing) She had pedophilic husband (which she knew about) and had a kid with him. She eventually separated him and because of her knowing of the pedophilia, her kid was taken away and he was put in jail. Fast forward a few months and she’s pregnant with another guys baby, one of which will also be taken from her. So she is unemployed, now smoking and doing drugs and she’s draining our parents of money. If I was a greedy kid then we would probably be worse off than we are, but I don’t ask for anything. I see that this probably isn’t relevant to myself but I felt like I needed to say it. I’ve been battling with depression for 3 years. It’s all sucked and i’ve thought about suicide more than once. If love to be able to talk to somebody about it but my parents would just admit me to a psych ward or put me on medication and I don’t want that. All of my friends are online and none of them care about me either. As long as i’m there to listen to their problems then it doesn’t matter what I am. I have 1 or 2 that do care but they have their own problems and I could never burden them with mine. What’s really broken me now though is losing somebody I truly did love. Before him, I thought I knew what love was, but I didn’t… He was like a brother to me, I would’ve done anything to make him happy. He cared about me, let me vent, let me hear his problems, and would be okay if I just sat in a voice chat and listened to him talk while he did schoolwork. We cared about each other. Or so I thought… One day, I was being stubborn, he’d been distant the past few months and probably would’ve never messaged me if I hadn’t messaged him. I was annoyed by this and decided that I wanted him out of my life (I really just wanted to see if he would even care) and so I told him this. His last words to me were “nobody should be treated like dirt” and then I was blocked. At first, it didn’t affect me, but a month passed and he is all that I can think about… It’s now been almost five months and he is still the one person that I truly miss. He was my rock, now I have nothing. I’m basically an emotional support sponge for everybody i’m “friends” with and nothing even brings me joy anymore. I just want it all to end… I’m only 15, why should I want to die so badly? Nothing is even that bad… people have it way worse than I do…
I’m really sorry that you are hurting. The problems that you’ve faced are real and would upset someone of any age. I’m glad that you reached out to talk. I’m sorry that you feel that no one will listen. Living with depression can definitely make it feel lonely.
It doesn’t seem like you have had good examples of good relationships so far, but that fact that you can recognize that others are also going though something shows compassion. I know it hurts to feel like you are always there for others and do not get it in return, but I promise there are people in your life that care about you and want you around.
Thank you for this, it really helped <3