my dad told my mom she had to move out, my mom wants to move out, I know everyone’s telling me to stay with my dad and i might do that but its still a really tough decision because my mom raised me, my moms kicked me out of my room so im sleeping on my couch which gives me really bad paranoia for some reason, i don’t think im safe sleeping on my couch so that’s been tough, my moms drinking has been bad again, she hasn’t really spoken to me in 3 days other than an argument we just had, which sucked because she still doesn’t understand why hitting me for no reason is an issue, and why we have such bad reactions to her drinking. i don’t know how my dad does it, he’s got so much going on and my moms practically abusive towards him and he’s still standing, idk if im just sensitive or not. i tried for a while to forgive my moms actions and stop caring, which i might still attempt to do again, because its easier for me to just go through it and let it happen rather than fight. my moms got some shit going on. she believes shes an empath, says shes an empath all the time, but she still doesn’t get how fucked up her behavior is, and how much it hurts me, doesn’t sound very empathic, does it? started talking to someone really manipulative again, but im not as naive as i was so i don’t think he’d be able to fuck with me, if anything im the one being petty, i like to think of it as ‘getting revenge’ if you will. i also realized im quite possibly in love with someone who i cant have, but that’s the thing, everyone tells you there’s a certain age you can and cant really fall in love, so im not sure if im just being stupid and i think im in love, or if i really am, either way the feeling sucks, so im not totally sure about that but it still isn’t that great. i guess i just don’t really care anymore, i mean ill be dead eventually, whats the point in hating people who cant change, in the end i hated that manipulative guy for months, he gives me anxiety, but if i take all the value I’ve given him away, he’s just as idiotic as me, i shouldn’t waste my energy on hating people if it doesn’t matter in the end, i cant spend time arguing with my mom when shes very clearly delusional and too far gone, i shouldn’t care anymore, which im half way there, I’ve let myself go which is fine, for a second it was nice to know what it was like being mildly happy, but then i had to come back to reality and its back to being sad, which is fine. i guess this is just an update. i just wish i had a different life or something, different parents at least, that’d make everything a lot easier, id be able to be alive without wanting to die, but that’s sort of far fetched now, i don’t think ill ever be in a situation and go “hm i kinda don’t wanna die” i mean i don’t wanna die until i have my own apartment but that’s really stupid because that’s a long ways a way and i wont be able to afford an apartment so there’s no point in keeping that up, so i mean yeah. its not like im going to kill myself right now, but if something comes up its never not a possibility, i don’t know what im talking about, im sorry, im a bit out of it right now, i didn’t realize i was just typing a bunch, sorry again, thanks to everyone whos helped me out so far, not sure how much ill post in the future though.
HI friend - thanks so, so much for posting and sharing where you are. I know you say you don’t know how much you will post in the future - and that’s OK to not post if you don’t feel like it, I know I take long breaks where I don’t even lurk - but please know you are not a burden and you may type as much as you want - people here truly care and want you to know this is a good place to journal your thoughts on all the crap that’s going on.
The first two, yes 100%. 100%. The last one though,for the things you can effect (your personal well-being for example or your safety) please do not give up caring.
I’m sorry you are sleeping on the couch - that would bother me too and make me feel vulnerable. Can you drape a sheet or something over the couch space to create a little bit of a protected area for yourself? Or turn the couch to face a wall and then put a sheet over that way? Just something to help you feel like you have a space of your own?
Hang in there friend. I was reading through some of my journal writings the other day, and at one point I wrote “I wonder who I will be when I survive this”. In a strange way that wondering gave me hope and comfort in a dark time. Maybe you can ask yourself " I wonder who I’ll be when I survive this" and think about that person? And when you are feeling hopeless, think about persevering for that person you will be when you survive this all.
Im sorry you are put in a position to have to make that hard decision and thank you far sharing your story with us. I’m sorry you’re having to sleep on the couch and that you now feel unsafe. You have lost your personal space and Need something that can make you feel a bit safer on the couch. It sounds weird but maybe you could make your own little couch fort so it’s your own space?
I’m really sorry your mom feels it’s ok to be behaving that way and hitting you. Spending energy hating people does hurt you more in the long run but please don’t lose your self value, you matter and you’re important. You are better than the people that treat you badly. Your mom will not change unless she sees that she needs to herself. This is so hard on you. Please chat more of you need to, there are a lot of people here for you.
You are allowed to be happy and deserve to be happy.