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Exhausted, mentally and physically


#1

I apologize for the Wall-of-Text, I write for therapy to get things out and not hold them in.

I’ve been having a very difficult 10 or so days. I am so frustrated, and tired of fighting against having no self-esteem, no confidence, and poor self-worth. This post will delve very much into a past I keep hidden, out of embarrassment and shame. Something I’m beginning to learn I have no reason to feel either for, I couldn’t control anything that happened to me.

As some of you know, and most may not; I struggle with Depression and Anxiety. I have therapy weekly, and it is very helpful. Recently (July 3rd) I had quite a breakthrough, that vastly shook the landscape of my reality and personal world, bringing many things long-since buried and thought to be dealt with sufficiently in the past. This was all spurred from a discussion that stemmed from the previous comment I made to my psychologist about “tired of fighting, etc.”.

Through some deep, personal, and quite confusing questions about my past with mental and psychological abuse when I was a teen; brought-forth a realization that honestly never crossed my mind before that moment. My step-father would mentally and psychologically abuse me when I was younger. From having hand-fulls of ‘pet names’, to make fun of me for being overweight, failing to do something, or whatever. His very favorite was ‘LeoLardo’, because I was 9, overweight and loved the Ninja Turtles; I heard this one multiple times a day.

When I was growing up, having seen my wife’s family and how things ought to be; I can say I was really never raised. I had many freedoms, and my mother was supportive, but also very enabling. Never letting me experience negative things in life, from not being compliant or doing them myself. She would step in and problem-solve (do it), instead of parent and teach me why it’s important that I do something, even when I may not want to. This has to lead to some very large issues in my life as an adult, carrying over these things, and never knowing they weren’t normal or an issue until late into my 20’s, early 30’s.

Anyhow, it dawned upon me that the voice that rings loud and clear, often (daily), that I surrender to helplessly saying things like; “you’re worthless”, “you’re disgusting”, “you’re a failure”, “you can’t even do something simple”, “you can’t even (enter something here)”, “you’re a waste of space”, and much much more detailed and worse that I won’t get into here. This is the voice ingrained into my very psyche, of my Step-father. Finally, a name/face for the thing that’s plagued my life for over more than ¾ of its duration. While this was quite an “OMG” moment, it immediately caused anxiety, fear, and depression. Knowing what I will have to face (again), and not knowing how in the hell to even face it, much less what tools and weapons I can use against it. I might have well have been a knight with a wooden toy sword staring into the eyes of a very real, and very angry dragon. Just the thought of it nearly made me pee a little bit.

So I sat on this, pondering, endlessly running through my mind for a week. Today at therapy I was able to at least subside some of the fear, anxiety, and depression talking through some things. One thing that I can’t seem to move on from, is how when depressed, you may ‘know’ something logically, but just a single thought can derail the entire train spiraling you off the tracks, and over the cliff. I’m so tired of the back and forth. About knowing something, but feeling like I have to be constantly reminded of something, I firmly know to be true on a good mental health day. How can a single negative thought, be so harmful and FEEL EVEN MORE TRUE, than what I know. This has perplexed me constantly for 5+ days, building frustration out of impatience with myself.

I’m told and remain the need to be reminded “be patient with yourself, depression is hard.”. On a good day, I’m functional. I feel like I need to walk around with headphones repeating the same things, daily. Listening to it every hour of the day, to maintain stability in emotional and rational thoughts.

I’m just so exhausted, physically and mentally with never feeling anything positive about myself. Never having confidence in anything I do, with the very rare exception I don’t feel it. It affects my marriage, socially, sexually, and functionally. Affects my want to stream, and produce content. Affects my schooling, dieting, lifestyle in general I suppose. It makes changing one, nearly impossible. Then when I can’t keep everything level, or copacetic it all goes to hell in a Handbasket.

/end frustration

Thank you for letting me just get this out.


#2

Hey @RyCP1209,

Same!! I find writing (anything) a fantastic way to expel any type of negative feelings. Thank you for reaching out and telling us your story!

Anyway, first of all, I can tell by your post that you seem very educated and well-versed within the realm of counseling. I believe you have a fantastic start in learning on how to properly get a good grasp on negative feelings. I can relate to you on a variety of levels, so know that you’re not alone.

I’m sure you’ve learned about the power behind “words of life” and “words of death” during your counseling sessions, so please allow me to drive it home. I want to tell you a story. One of my good friends moved to Colorado a handful of years ago. He had been battling with severe clinical depression/anxiety. Around the same time, I was just starting to experience similar feelings for the first time. One of the last things he said to me before he moved away was, “Eric, do you want to know the secret to beating this thing? Every time you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and say 3 truths about yourself. Before you go to bed, look at yourself in the same mirror and say the same 3 truths about yourself. You’ll be surprised at what you begin to believe.” He was right. No matter what we tell ourselves, whether it be truths or lies, we will learn to believe it. This theory was also backed up by the years following, through my own personal counseling sessions. One of my other friends wrote 3 truths on her bathroom mirror, so she’ll see it several times a day no matter what.

Keep fighting. You’re a warrior. You’re strong and you got this! We believe in you. Please continue to give you updates!

Hold fast,
Eric


#3

Hey, RyCP1209. I just want to drop by and say personally I can relate to your situation a lot in some ways. You have built such an amazing community on twitch and for that alone you are amazing not even counting out of all of the people alive, you are the only you! I appreciate you feeling comfortable to be vulnerable and honest with us here. You’re stunning, bud. You have this and you will always have this. Sometimes life has/will thrown/throw you a curve ball and sometimes you will have a setback but thats what this life is for, friend. Keep fighting, warrior. You are and have been strong and I cant wait to see what you have in store for twitch.
<3
-StevenHawkingTalkingDirty/Ethan


#4

@RyCP1209 I know what it’s like to grow up in an abusive environment and it sucks - but it’s not the fault of your own. I’m glad you came here to reach out.

please let the voices of this community be louder than those. We are here for you - you can get through this. Keep working with your therapist and coming here. You’re so brave.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#5

Hey there @RyCP1209 ,
first of all thank you for posting on the support wall and im sorry you had to go through this and go through some deep, person and confusing questions, just know you are not alone.

Why are you thinking these things that are FALSE? this is NOT true. you are NOT worth less , you are NOT disgusting , you are NOT a failure, it may be hard but you can learn positive stuffs, just because you CANT do it now , you will need to work on it but make sure its a positive thing. you are NOT a waste of space. you ARE human. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and im sorry you were being made fun of for being over weight . you are perfect just the way you are. it may take time to get better , but getting better is worth it and im glad you are in therapy cause i want to see you happy. just know you are amazing and i will be here for you no matter what . remember to hold fast and YOU ARE WORTH IT! i hope this helps you in some way friend.
-Ashley