I apologize for the Wall-of-Text, I write for therapy to get things out and not hold them in.
I’ve been having a very difficult 10 or so days. I am so frustrated, and tired of fighting against having no self-esteem, no confidence, and poor self-worth. This post will delve very much into a past I keep hidden, out of embarrassment and shame. Something I’m beginning to learn I have no reason to feel either for, I couldn’t control anything that happened to me.
As some of you know, and most may not; I struggle with Depression and Anxiety. I have therapy weekly, and it is very helpful. Recently (July 3rd) I had quite a breakthrough, that vastly shook the landscape of my reality and personal world, bringing many things long-since buried and thought to be dealt with sufficiently in the past. This was all spurred from a discussion that stemmed from the previous comment I made to my psychologist about “tired of fighting, etc.”.
Through some deep, personal, and quite confusing questions about my past with mental and psychological abuse when I was a teen; brought-forth a realization that honestly never crossed my mind before that moment. My step-father would mentally and psychologically abuse me when I was younger. From having hand-fulls of ‘pet names’, to make fun of me for being overweight, failing to do something, or whatever. His very favorite was ‘LeoLardo’, because I was 9, overweight and loved the Ninja Turtles; I heard this one multiple times a day.
When I was growing up, having seen my wife’s family and how things ought to be; I can say I was really never raised. I had many freedoms, and my mother was supportive, but also very enabling. Never letting me experience negative things in life, from not being compliant or doing them myself. She would step in and problem-solve (do it), instead of parent and teach me why it’s important that I do something, even when I may not want to. This has to lead to some very large issues in my life as an adult, carrying over these things, and never knowing they weren’t normal or an issue until late into my 20’s, early 30’s.
Anyhow, it dawned upon me that the voice that rings loud and clear, often (daily), that I surrender to helplessly saying things like; “you’re worthless”, “you’re disgusting”, “you’re a failure”, “you can’t even do something simple”, “you can’t even (enter something here)”, “you’re a waste of space”, and much much more detailed and worse that I won’t get into here. This is the voice ingrained into my very psyche, of my Step-father. Finally, a name/face for the thing that’s plagued my life for over more than ¾ of its duration. While this was quite an “OMG” moment, it immediately caused anxiety, fear, and depression. Knowing what I will have to face (again), and not knowing how in the hell to even face it, much less what tools and weapons I can use against it. I might have well have been a knight with a wooden toy sword staring into the eyes of a very real, and very angry dragon. Just the thought of it nearly made me pee a little bit.
So I sat on this, pondering, endlessly running through my mind for a week. Today at therapy I was able to at least subside some of the fear, anxiety, and depression talking through some things. One thing that I can’t seem to move on from, is how when depressed, you may ‘know’ something logically, but just a single thought can derail the entire train spiraling you off the tracks, and over the cliff. I’m so tired of the back and forth. About knowing something, but feeling like I have to be constantly reminded of something, I firmly know to be true on a good mental health day. How can a single negative thought, be so harmful and FEEL EVEN MORE TRUE, than what I know. This has perplexed me constantly for 5+ days, building frustration out of impatience with myself.
I’m told and remain the need to be reminded “be patient with yourself, depression is hard.”. On a good day, I’m functional. I feel like I need to walk around with headphones repeating the same things, daily. Listening to it every hour of the day, to maintain stability in emotional and rational thoughts.
I’m just so exhausted, physically and mentally with never feeling anything positive about myself. Never having confidence in anything I do, with the very rare exception I don’t feel it. It affects my marriage, socially, sexually, and functionally. Affects my want to stream, and produce content. Affects my schooling, dieting, lifestyle in general I suppose. It makes changing one, nearly impossible. Then when I can’t keep everything level, or copacetic it all goes to hell in a Handbasket.
Thank you for letting me just get this out.