crying…
it’s not something i’m used to. for the longest time i would get yelled at for crying. but i know that sometimes it’s needed. is it a bad thing to not want it? to be afraid of it? i don’t want my family to catch me crying. they’ll either play it off as me being hormonal or over dramatic. it’s never taken into account that something might be wrong. i wish i wasn’t afraid of crying. it’s supposed to be healing.
but all i feel is guilt and fear when i feel tears out of nowhere.
i’m scared. and i’m sorry.
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Hey @FaeTheProud,
I’m proud of your for allowing yourself to cry. Maybe it sounds a little weird, but I’m serious.
You are 100% right when you say that crying is supposed to heal, or at least to feel better. It’s like a sign that your body gives you at a specific time, and it’s totally okay to listen to it when you can. I hear your worries though, and I understand how it feels. In my own family, crying was always suspicious and would create a lot of ankwardness and guilt (when it wasn’t totally dismissed). With time, I’ve learned to cry silently, to hide it, and even as a grown adult I keep feeling guilty whenever I cry (even if it happens often). I’ve mastered the skill of repressing the tears for a long time, until I wasn’t able to do it anymore and found safer places, such as my own home.
It’s difficult to shake those feelings, yet deep inside you know what is right, what is fair, and that’s a very precious knowledge. Even if how you feel is divided, you can rely on your mind and this rational knowledge that crying is okay. Always. You are never wrong or guilty for letting those tears out. You are not overly emotional. It’s a healthy way to reduce your stress, to acknowledge your vulnerability, to not bottle up your emotions until you break down. I have no doubt that once you’ll have the opportunity to be in a healthier environment, this is something you’ll learn to not be afraid of anymore, at your own pace. In the meantime, you know you have us here to remind you that it is okay, that you are not judged, that crying is safe. Your intuition is right.
I’m sending hugs to you, and I hope you’ll feel a little better in times to come. 
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I’m glad you’re letting out. I know it can feel messy and strange to cry, especially when you’ve been put in a position where crying is seen as bad. But there is a healing relief when you cry. Like they saying goes, it’s like a dam breaking, and all the bad can come out and stop being pent up inside of you.
It’s going to take time to undo the ingrained thoughts about crying. And that’s okay. It takes time change a mindset. But while you’re working through that, work through it with us. Don’t be sorry - you’ll find that you’re safe here, there is no judgement, and we will definitely praise the benefits of a good cry. I promise, it’ll be okay.
Lots of love!
Tara
I completely understand you. I understand you more than I can express. And I support you.
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