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Existence without existing

I don’t know for how many years I have been thinking about this question, but I was wondering about my purpose in this world for a very long time. It has been over 2 years since I started studying my current subjects, but for what reason? The only thing I’ve been doing for the last decade is to question my existence.

The subjects that I am studying are musicology and English. However, I will not be able to do anything with getting the bachelor there. My grades are too bad to start the Master studies, and then there are not a lot of opportunities as well. However, I don’t really enjoy my studies. I only study because my parents always told me that one can only achieve something in life if one studies at university. The problem is that I really don’t know what I want in the first place.

I never had a lot of real or serious hobbies or interests. Somehow, I only feel a little bit of joy when I write music or play in a band. Actually, my childhood dream was to play in a band, record albums and go on tour, but that’s only a childhood dream that cannot come true and that won’t lead to being able to live without worries. Nevertheless, I don’t know if I should continue having music activities as a hobby. I played in some bands before and had only bad experiences unfortunately. One band I played one of my songs live with published a crappy potato recording of that show without my permission. Another band kicked me out while I was in hospital before our first gig because they plotted on kicking me for a long time due to me being different and them keeping me only because they couldn’t write songs by themselves. They only wanted to party and “make music to get the chicks” while I am straight edge, introverted and always think that no one would miss me anyway at parties. I hate parties. So they kicked me and performed this gig without me claiming that they wrote my songs which I have written years before I formed the band. They still exist and even released one of my songs as a single. Furthermore, they released a demo where I recorded the guitars, but they deleted my recordings and put new guitar recordings on it so I lose all the claims on my songs. About two weeks ago, I formed a new band, but why? I don’t think that it was a good idea, I am afraid that everything is going to repeat.

When I came to get my equipment back, this one band that stole my songs insulted me and wanted me to go to a psychiatrist just because I don’t want to drink myself to death and f*ck every woman I see like they want to do. Sorry for cursing, I am just upset and desperate about everything. Well, more about not being able to achieve anything within these 23 years of living or knowing which direction I should go. So I don’t know what I should do right now. I feel like my existence is a wasted opportunity and should belong to the ghost of someone else who knows what to do with their lives. So how can I put an end to everything? How can I put an end to myself? I told you about my childhood dream, but I have a new wish for about a decade. I just wish that I can find eternal rest, close my eyes and never wake up again.

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You’re not alone, I’m 45 and I’m not completely sure of my purpose. I do believe we all have purposes, but sometimes it takes time to figure it out. And…it’s possible that our purposes change.

It sounds to me like music is what you need to be doing. If it brings you joy…do it! It may not be your career, because the things that bring us joy aren’t always the things we make money at. But, on the other hand, how do you know it won’t be your career if you give up on it?

I’m sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Maybe they happened because that’s not the band you are supposed to be in. Maybe they happened to give you deep experiences to write music about. No matter why it happened, it happened. That doesn’t mean that they will happen again.

Be who you are! You don’t have to be what other people want you to be! Be who you are! If you don’t want to drink or f*ck every woman you see, don’t. Be who you are and be proud of who you are!

Don’t give up. You may have to find a job that doesn’t bring you joy in order to pay for the things that DO bring you joy. That’s okay.

I love you and I am praying for you.