In 4 weeks I move to college.
4 weeks sounds like a lot of time, but recently I’ve been feeling like everything moves way too fast and I can’t control anything. My loss of control causes existential dread about not being able to live in a moment because time is already passing and I can’t stop it. For example: in 4 weeks when I go to college, I will think of writing this message and feel like no time has passed, and then I will get anxiety about how fast things are moving to my eventual death (which is the ultimate existential crisis) For those of you who are unaware of my previous posts, I have the idea in my head that I am already dead because in a certain point of time I perish, therefore I am already dead and nothing will matter because I struggle with the thought of nothing after death.
Most of this is just me being paranoid, and unfortunately there’s not much I can do about that as therapy isn’t an option due to my insurance cutting out financial support for most therapists and therapists not being able to book appointments for months on end. I’ve never been able to escape this mentality. It doesn’t seem to matter what I’m told or what reassurance I’m given, I always end up feeling like death is looming over me and my life is already over. No words will allow me to exist in some form after death, and I am losing faith in believing in anything except blackness and nothingness after death.
Is there any solution to my problem? This has a huge impact on my hobbies and my very not so social life (Not big stuff, but it does effect the amount of times I DO spend with people I care about) and I’m worried I’m digging myself a hole by just telling myself things will get better.
Is it best to just sit on that waiting list and hope that someone will be able to take me as their client and front the bill without the insurance? I’m not sure. It feels very hopeless and I am about to make an enourmous change in my life that could very well make or break my future endeavors, and I cannot afford to be struggling with such issues.
I’m sorry if this was perhaps a darker read. I’m aware of how existential dread affects others and how I am not alone in struggling. This problem has actually gotten so bad it’s fixed my suicidal urges due to me being afraid of the nothingness after death.
Anyways, I hope you guys have a good day
I don’t really have a solution to your problem, but I do want to encourage you to keep trying to get therapy or counseling, I think it would be worth it for you to keep trying. This mindset is really hard to live with, so I wound try to be kinder to yourself for feeling like wasting time. People push the importance of living in the moment, but sometimes there is only so much you can do to make to most of the time you have. One thing that might help would be journaling a little bit every day, so that you have proof that you did something every day, even if they are “small” things. I hope things get better soon!
From my teens on, I started having arrythmias. My heart would stop, then go BOOM, then flip-flop a bit before resuming normal rhythm. It was intermittent, and never acted up when I went to the doctor. At the time, there was no such thing as a “holter monitor,” which monitors rhythm over a period of time. Sometimes my heart would beat slow and hard, other times fast and hard. One night I woke up and it was beating so hard, I could hear it echo off the walls. I felt scared, frustrated, then angry. I know you’re kinda up in the air about an afterlife, but I believed in God, although with little conviction regarding His nature. I ended up yelling, "God, I’m tired of this shit! End my life NOW! After that, I began to feel calmer. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning feeling pretty decent.
The irregular heart behavior persisted, but seemed to become less severe as time went on. It may have been simply a perception of it being improved, as it no longer elicited fear when it happened. I’d have the problem off and on for the next 20 years, before it became fairly rare.
My existential dread came at a relatively young age. I saw life differently after that. My priorities changed. I was far less likely to sweat the small stuff. I wanted to be a nicer person. I didn’t want to say anything I’d not be able to take back if I passed suddenly. Death as a present possibility became a friend who reminded me of how valuable life is.
Anyone, anywhere, any time, is potentially a single heartbeat away from death. Fearing it changes nothing, except perhaps to hasten it’s arrival.
You exist here, now. You exist at no other time. Decide how to make the best use of this moment. What do you have the power to control right now? How will worry or fear affect that power?
Wishing you peace, Wings
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