Expectations, Family, and Worthlessness

I was born into a strict Muslim family, the third of four children. As a child, I knew I was different from them. I wasn’t so devoted to Islam, and I questioned a lot of the teachings I was meant to blindly believe.
Now, I’m here. I’m queer, an atheist, and I have no intention of becoming a doctor or engineer like my mom wanted me to. I feel worthless. Unsatisfactory. I feel like I’ll never amount to anything in the eyes of my mother.
I’m still in the closet. I was hospitalized twice, the second time for cutting. I’m a year and a half clean, but every day I feel like I’m going to relapse. I rely on smoking and isolating myself to feel normal.
I don’t care what my dad thinks; he isn’t exactly a part of my life. It’s my mom.
She has so many expectations. She stopped taking me to therapy, and I can’t go by myself because I’m a minor. I used to be the one that was too hard on myself. Now she demands I keep up the expectations that I spent three years trying to get rid of in therapy.
There are so many other things that I could mention; I’ve been abused in too many ways to list here. I know it’s wrong for me to be treated the way I do, and I know that I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am and what I believe. Yet at the same time, I can’t help but feel like a pathetic, worthless disappointment.
My mom has made it clear that people like me get disowned. I know that I’ll be unwanted the moment I come out. I hate myself so much.

1 Like


Hi. Nice to meet you. Thank you for sharing. You needed it to vent. I am not 100% familiar with Islam, but I do understand trying to meet others’ expectations. I was raised Christian (Still am), there were a lot of expectations of who I should be. When I failed to meet them, the ones I know were bummed. It did bummed me too. After time pass by, I learn I cannot please everyone. I need to figure out of how to make it into this world. Family are humans. They won’t understand everything. Which is okay. Just love them and forgive them. As for your mother, I advise you talk to her about what it is going on with your life. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. It is up to you. I hope you will find good solutions. If you need someone to listen to you, this community is here with you and for you.