I’m new on here, I heard about this from a friend…I’m a saved Believer in Jesus Christ and I serve on the Worship Team at my church as a singer. I’ve suffered from Depression and self harm in high school. Serving God in high school wasn’t easy because nobody wanted to be my friend. I eventually got over it… I moved church’s my senior year of high school and I grew in my walk, I allowed God to do more with my life, to use me in different places I didn’t think he could! I graduated from high school and the enemy decided to bring back my worst demon he ever could. Depression, suicidal thoughts and Self-harm. This time he threw it at me 10x harder and darker, along with oppression… I still serve on the worship team because it brings joy and peace to my heart knowing that regardless of my circumstances, God is still worthy, and I can’t help but give him all the praise in my heart! I love to worship him. But when I can’t control my depression, there’s no way out, it’s the end of the world, I give into cutting myself and feel like a hypocrite knowing I cut myself, and I still stand in front of a church and sing. My leaders at church know my struggle and they still continue to show me grace and still allow me to serve on the worship team because they know I genuinely want out of this suffering. They tell me “self-harm is more of a struggle, if you think your sinning and think you shouldn’t be in ministry because of that, nobody would be in ministry because we all sin daily… But God’s grace runs deeper than sin.”… I still continue to serve God because again he is still worthy. But the guilt kills me and causes me to give into my temptation ever more so! It’s hard for me to accept grace, and love. I don’t deserve it!! I don’t deserve anything! I don’t serve life. The pain within is so dark, I’m not sure how to control it…it affects everything about me. I feel bad for anyone who knows me. I cry out to God and tell him the pain, and the agony. Sometimes it feels like I should just give up on life…
Hi dear one.
I’ve been there. I was there with the guilt and the shame because I allowed myself to listen to the demons whispering “how can you harm the temple of God and call yourself a Christian?”
Well guess what: I can, and you can too.
I cut heavily for years, all the while still attending church and keeping up face with all of my friends. I never let them in, I never let them know what I was going through, so you are already several steps ahead of where I was.
The amazing thing about God’s grace is that we don’t deserve it, but He still gives it.
Don’t try to control the pain: get rid of it. You are already so far along on the path of recovery. You know that the enemy is behind this, and you have people you can confide in.
Help them help you fight this battle. The amazing thing about being in God’s family is we are more than a family: we are an army. We never face anything alone. Our Heavenly Father is with us always, as are our brothers and sisters.
Listen to me, dear one: you can move past this. This year will mark 3 years sober for me. 3 years since I stopped cutting. 1/3 of the way to my goal.
See, one of the ways I helped stop myself is I gave myself a goal entirely dependent on whether or not I stay clean.
The last night I cut, I cut myself 9 times. I had told myself “If I make it to 16, I’m done”.
Now, I’m making myself wait 9 years for a tattoo of my life verse. Now I’m telling myself “When I make it to 9 years sober, I’m getting this tattoo.”
If we keep fighting the darkness with no tangible victory on the horizon, it does seem hopeless. But if you challenge yourself, if you give yourself a goal, you can win.
It doesn’t have to be a tattoo. That is just what worked for me. It could be something else entirely for you, but make sure it’s something you want. Something you desire. Something you want to achieve for yourself. It does sound selfish, I know, but it is a reward. It is a prize at the end of a race.
When we work for something, it makes it all the more sweet when we finally achieve it.
You’ve recognized the enemy, and you have soldiers by your side. Now give yourselves a goal, and start marching for it.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and my home life is nothing short of stressful. Many times in my recent life have I questioned my faith, that if God really loved me and cared for me why would he put all of these hardships on me? I personally have never struggled with self-harm, but I would imagine that you are wondering why God would would let your depression consume you and why would he let you have the feeling that you need to self-harm. I think what you need to remember is that God does not expect you to be perfect, we weren’t designed to be perfect. You definitely deserve his love and grace because he’s meant to be there for you when you feel lost, and know that he will always love you even if you do things that you think aren’t deserving of it. It’s already a good start having people in your church to go to and know about your struggles. But you weren’t designed to give up, you were designed to rise up and conquer and get through the darkness, that’s what God wants you to do.
God does not see your self harm as a sin. He sees it as a struggle. You are not being a hypocrite singing praises to god because god healed the sick and the broken. One of his best friends was a prostitute. God loves you and wants to heal you.
To the poster’s in this thread, thank you all for sharing. Your faith is inspiring! I can relate on so many levels here with the struggle of forgiving yourself and accepting the Grace God gives to us. Everyday I need to look at scripture and read notes I previously wrote during a sermon to find strength.
We will never be perfect, there was only one person that could be and we all know what he had to do.
Again, thank you!!