In 2019, using Discord, I’ve got my fav job which was being a moderator in one of a famous youtuber. I know it makes no sense but… yeah. I got lots of friends when I moderate, talking to people and yeah. I’ve been smiling a lot and laugh a lot too. it was fun.until one day… in November 2020, there was a big drama when someone in twitter tweeted a bunch hatred towards the moderators including the admin AND there’s even a screenshot of the secret moderator chat that makes the admin and a couple of trusted moderators sus of every moderator. One of them Messaged me and said, “The screenshot has the exact time as your timezone.” I was so scared… like I don’t know how to answer it. I mean, it is my screenshot that I’ve sent to someone that i trusted but until now, I still don’t know who it is… and also… I didnt mean a drama to happened… so like, someone used me, betrayed me using the screenshot that i posted to him/her and… yeah… right after the trusted moderator dmed me, I got demoted from the job that I like the most… after that, i went dark… sadness, hatred, loneliness, and most of my mod friends ignored me and not message me “are you okay?”… so i had thoughts like… “they are talking bad things about me in those secret channels. i know it”. Ever since that happened… I went completely different that I am before, being sad for no reason, depressed, fake smiling and anything else. Honestly, i want my mod job back… but I bet that it will make me look like a fricking loser idiot. Plus, if i get it back anyway, none of the mods will show friendship after what i’ve done. Well, there are some of my friends in discord help me and cheer me up… but its not enough to be honest… but i act towards them like “thank you for cheering me up” just dont want to make them upset. and… I honestly rarely talk to my parents… i mean, i didnt talk to them for a long time and kept my own secrets on my own. even I do reveal to them, they will babble at me… like for hours… and i hate it. I bet they wont understand my own feelings…
Well, you know everybody messes up sometimes. And sometimes you’re accused of messing up when you really didn’t. The end result usually is gaining wisdom or insight as to how such occurrences might be prevented in the future. I have a Discord presence, but don’t know much about it. However, I believe there are a lot of servers, so potentially, you can start over somewhere else. I also think that given a bit of time, you can probably reestablish yourself with the group that you’ve been in.
You may run into a lot of people who seem like friends, but those friendships may not be very solid. If you can find just a couple of people that stay with you through thick and thin, you’re doing really good.
I hope it works out for you. It may be hard to do, but I hope you don’t take those failed friendships too personally, as I doubt they know you very well. If they did, they wouldn’t have turned their back on you.
I did start joining a few servers. but… its kind of hard… like… I dont know where to start… i mean, i can just say “hi” then i dont know… it felt different than a server that ive used to chat but now being in my abondened list… and yes, they knew me, they knew how i look like since… they are like my best friends… but at the end… i’ve realised i’ve done a mistake…
Hey @Nasma,
I’m so sorry you got stuck in this spiral. It sounds that a lot of things were out of your control and there’s nothing you could have done about it. As you said, there are people you trusted who used that trust, maybe not against you directly, but the result is the same.
I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to lose your online family suddenly and being perceived as the scapegoat. It’s really sad that, when a situation like this arises, there’s often extreme positions and not a lot of subtleties in the way people interact with each other. You made a mistake and you’re suddenly removed from the life of people you’ve known for quite a long time… that’s tough, friend. It’s like being betrayed and blamed in such a brutal way while you didn’t ask for any of this. Though friendship, true friendship, can be challenged by such events, but it’s also opportunities to communicate, to try to understand each other and, eventually, to agree to disagree. It sounds that those mods were hurt and just followed a group dynamic without questioning it. I’m really sorry you found yourself in the middle of this.
Your heart is grieving, friend. There’s probably a lot of mixed emotions coming from this situation, and it just makes sense to have a hard time to smile again. You’ll need to process and realize that a mistake like this didn’t deserve such a brutal sentence - aka being removed and ghosted. The way your friends reacted wasn’t fair nor very mature either. A good leadership is also about accepting to talk, to face uncomfortable situations, to learn from mistakes and make sure that no one is abandoned on the side of the road.
I hope you’ll give yourself the time you need to process what happened and realize that there’s nothing you could have done in this situation. You made a mistake (although we can debate if trusting someone is a mistake…) but you’re also very aware of it. How your friends reacted is out of your control, and I’m sorry they reacted that way.
Be gentle with yourself. How you feel right now is valid. And, for what it’s worth, know that you’re entirely part of this online family right here. You are loved. You are cared for. So please take good care of yourself, be fair to yourself. 
I totally understand how you feel. Reading this has made me realize a lot. I know that I can’t do anything to cheer you up, but believe me, I’ll be your friend even when others leave you. That’s why I’m called Pengyou. 
i’ve been trying to move on… from that… and its been almost 2 months and it affected my irl schedule, like… sleep late, not eating much, siting in my room while staring at my computer watching yt… and yeah. I just… don’t know how to simply move on… it hurts me a lot… I’ve also had nightmares about my mod friends leave me in a total darkness like… 2 times… and it scared me… a lot… and I’m scared to sleep… I do sleep but… like in the morning or afternoon… I dont know how to move on. it really bothered in my mind a lot when I want to accomplish something…
Sounds like the situation caused you to lose confidence. It hurts so much because you’ve had an open heart. Having an open heart is never a mistake, and no doubt, it will be hurt from time to time. The trick is to keep being all the good things that you are, while realizing that sometimes others will disappoint you, and you may be inclined to take on too much responsibility for their actions and perceptions.
A person with an open heart tends to spontaneously invest trust in others. Some feel honored by the trust and will live up to it. Others will reject it, or exploit it. I think over time, you’ll find that despite the disappointments, you will derive far greater benefit from investing trust than being distrustful.
You are a good person with good intentions. You have learned from this experience. You will get past this and become wiser and more resilient.
I don’t know what to do to be honest. I had no one to talk to in real life. I have nothing much to do in real life than just watching YT vids. I feel so lost… and lonely…
Even though I’m not physically there for you, remember that I am your friend in real life. 
I hope your feeling of isolation goes away soon. I also hope that you feel some comfort from posting here. One thing that you can be sure of, your life circumstances will change eventually.
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