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"fake it till you make it" doesn't work. (Trigger warning and long read)


#1

Recently, things have gotten worse when I thought it’d be better. Dealing with my abusive boyfriend and having being controlled and forced to stay with him is already exhausting enough. I’ve lost so many friendships because of this damn relationship and I’ve been trying everything to just…stay alive. My abusive father still controls my relationship with my family because of how damn manipulative he is. He tells everyone I’m just a degenerate that deserved to be kicked out of the house ( which is not what happened) I had been thrown across the room by my father several times, dealing with his stress related problems which all his problems he makes my problems. So this goes into another thing I’ve noticed, I’ve been making people’s problems my problems. I’m more then glad to have friends come to me for help, but I realize it’s dampening and exhausting myself further. I had to say goodbye to my dog, who has been one of the most important in my life, one of my best friends, since I was 6, she was there with me through bullying, pain, family conflicts and abuse, she never judged me, and now she’s getting old, living with my shithead father who never takes care of her. My mom said that my dad would not be there when I say goodbye to my dog, but he lies and was there to intimidate and make me feel guilty for leaving his abusive wrath and isolating home.
…seeing my dog lie there on the floor, calm but not able to get up…she didn’t even know who came in the door. It broke my heart. I had only been gone for a few months but it felt like forever. I couldn’t stop crying while holding her, and she licked my hand over and over, rubbing her face on me. Saying goodbye to my dog, had to be one of the worst days of my life… and dealing with my dad while he was there, and having my crazed sister call my mom and me up to swear and cuss, looking for a fight that I went over to my dad’s, was almost unbearable. She said he felt attacked, when I did not speak to him at all, and that he felt neglected. I couldn’t look at my father in the face, just his presence alone was almost enough to make me faint…and to have 2 of my sister’s, completely on his side and hate me while constantly verbally assaulting me, it’s just such fucking torture. And I almost lost my friend in all the same day. I don’t even know if I have a connection with anyone anymore, I feel like a zombie. Despite me putting on a smile and trying to think positively, “fake it till you make it”, it doesn’t work. It’s just proving I can’t have feelings for myself ever. Yeah, getting A+s and perfect marks at school is fine, but it feels like it doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m harsh on myself, as I always have been, but it’s a cycle I can’t break out of. Yes, to many, these are easy solutions to SAY …but they’re impossible for people to actually DO. Problems now are continuously getting bigger and bigger while I’m trying to keep it in my heart as a smile is needed for other people…am I selfish for just wanting to smile on the inside? Well apparently I can’t do both. I can’t give people happiness while trying to work on myself. It just can’t be done…and so many of my relationships are based off of me giving. I’m at the end of my fucking ropes here, I’m miserable and I’m ready to just give up…I’ve already started planning my suicide.


#2

Why are you putting up with someone that is supposed to support you & be a benefit to your life? A boyfriend/girlfriend is supposed to be your main support & your best friend. They shouldn’t take you for granted or treat you like you are there to be a maid/nurse/slave. They’re your significant other not your slave owner. I understand that you’re both individuals & he might be afraid of losing you. Yet you should have separate lives in that you have friends even friends you don’t share.

I don’t understand how he makes his problems your problems. Do you mean he takes his frustration out on you & blames you for everything that happens to him? As for the abuse. Don’t put up with it. Get the Authorities involved. Your Father is an adult & his violent actions are frowned on by society. He needs to take Accountability & Responsibility for his actions. Nobody should put up with any abuse.

If they’re your friends then it is okay to tell them you’ve got problems of your own and ask them to tell you later. Another option is an exchange. Hear their problems out, but then they have to listen to your problems. Have them agree to such a circumstance. If they’re your friends and not a tool of use for them then they’ll accept either option.

I am sorry that you’ve lost your dog. My Condolences.

Your dog was dying. What was he expecting from you? Why do you need to console him if he was very abusive towards you when you lived with him? Why is your sister expecting you to care for him even after your mom told you that your Father wouldn’t be there to console you? You know what I might not know the whole story but fuck your family (excuse my language) They expect you to be sympathetic to your abusive dad and then won’t understand your feelings towards him or be sympathetic especially on the day that your dog dies?

This means you still have your friend? Yes, we can be all too hard on ourselves. We can be our own worse enemy. You have to sort of date yourself. Get to know yourself. Accept who you are. This is difficult to do. Yet not impossible to do. You need to assert yourself with yourself through positive affirmations, repelling your thoughts that are negative with positive thoughts about yourself followed by asserting yourself with others & let them know your boundaries when they are dealing with you.

Now I am not telling you to stop giving in your relationships. That is up to you. What I am saying to turn those relationships from being onesided. Start recieving & if people aren’t accepting this choice then cast them to the side and move on.

You are worth it. Be strong. Live your life.


#3

Thank you for the reply. It means a lot. Ive always had bad luck with relationships. And it seems that whenever I try to get away from my family…(even just for a week) I HAVE to be constantly reminded by my father and sisters that I should be controlled by all 3 of them. My eldest sister and brother is a blessing and they mean so much to me, they genuinely care and they want me to be happy and know my father is a piece of crap. But even they can’t stop my sister’s…if the harrassment from my sister’s and dad continues, should I call the police? You mentioned I should for my dad, but what about my sister’s? Is what they’re doing illegal?

As for the question of him making his problems my problems, he’d come home stressed and angry out of his mind everyday when he got home, even if he wasn’t at work. He’d say all the financial problems are my fault, even when I’m not in charge of the money. He’d complain to me about people at work and say “Louise if you didn’t make me so miserable all the time I’d be able to deal with it” . I try to listen to his issues, but his manipulation always turns around and has me blamed for whatever he’s dealing with, even when it’s not about me. Even when it is about me, my depression and anxiety gets blamed, and no, I’m not talking about just simple communication, he goes to the point of saying “you’re not your mother, stop it”, “if you keep this up you’re going to end up alone and homeless”, “sometimes I wish you never lived with me” and so on. This would be his verbal abuse, I can’t say more because it’s really…REALLY triggering and awful to say. My dad has been a huge abusive connection in my life, and I can’t seem to seperate myself from it. I guess when you have an abusive father, you get really shitty relationships because my ex’s and boyfriend are all narcissists like he was…some even worse.

Anyways, thank you for the reply, I know it was a long read. I appreciate the advice too.


#4

Well I mean physical abuse is against the law. As for verbal if you’ve stated that you want to be left alone & you exit the house with them stalking you then that could be illegal. It is a form of harassment. Unfortunately I only know that your Dad is an adult. I don’t really know if you & your sister is. If you live in the states & feel trapped. I know that churches & the Alice Paul House (or similar agencies) will provide a safe haven where you can escape & they won’t inform the prepretrators of the abuse. I’m pretty sure if its physical they do it automatically. (Not sure about verbal abuse.) In my eyes abuse is abuse & sometimes verbal is worse than physical depending on the situation.

I recommend that if you live with them that you move as soon as possible & cut your visits short with your family. Essentially it is what I do (not that they physically abuse me or purposely verbally abuse me.) If you can’t live on your own for lack of the ability (finance) Room mates is an option. Also as a minor work going to college and living in the dorms can help. If you want to try something similar or different being an exchange student to another country may help (A bit too extreme imho).

I hope good things come your way.


#5

Hey friend,
you’re right “fake it till you make it” doesn’t always work. In this situation it doesn’t. And the truth is you don’t have to fake anything. We can’t always fake a smile. One thing that i’ve learned is that we can’t really love and care for others, if we don’t love and care for ourselves. It took a while to learn that, but it’s something so valuable. Separate yourself from who or whats not helping you become a better person. (This is a form of self-love). And make time for yourself. We don’t always have to say yes to everything. We need to learn to take care of ourselves that way we can better take care and be there for others. It’s hard friend it is. You’ve been through a whole lot i can tell, but you’ve made it so far. Nows not the time to quit. Theres so much more ahead. I know it may not seem or even feel that way. But i promise there is. There is hope and Light beyond the darkness you see. I promise. Healing can be brought forth from the pain.
Friend you are responsible for you. Choose the things that will help you be all that you were created for. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. You’re not alone in this battle. We’re in this together. You are so loved. There is life beyond the pain. and know that whatever you need to do, God will help you. He’s there for you, He loves you. He’s got you. He can be found in the mess.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dog. Know i’m praying for you fam.
Here’s a blog i thought i share <3
https://lifeteen.com/blog/really-means-practice-self-care/