Falling again after recovery

[Atlas]

I wanted to put a minor TW for talking about being physically sick, I didn’t go into detail but do not want anyone to be uncomfortable.

Hey heartsupport. It’s been a long, long while. I found heartsupport about 2 years ago, and the encouragement from this community helped me when I was in the deepest parts of my depression. I feel bad for disappearing for so long, because I had ‘gotten better.’ I feel almost selfish reaching out to you all again now after leaving. But I’ve realized I’m in such an awful place right now that it wouldn’t hurt to just, reach out.

So I started doing better. Started anti depressants, therapy every 2 weeks that we managed to reduce to once a month, and then I was in a good enough place to only contact my therapist if I wanted a check in session. I was working out super regularly, hung out with friends often (being safe with the pandemic of course,) and was just doing… good.

And then I got sick.

I started noticing it last summer when I was having a constant nausea that was annoying but mostly bearable. I was able to do my waitressing job that I loved fine most of the time. And about 6 months ago, it just got worse. I just got so, so sick. Started missing work and school. I wasn’t able to work a lot anyways due to the pandemic and me working in a restaurant, but I was still getting out a bit. By the middle of June it just got so much worse. I haven’t been able to work since Father’s Day, I’ve been so sick.

I used to have good and bad sick days. Now I just have good and bad hours. I barely leave my house except for medical appointments. My doctor has had to up my anti depressants for the first time in over a year. I’ve attempted to reach out to my friends but it feels like since I’ve gotten sick they’ve just… stopped trying with me.

And then I realized how depressed I was. I feel like I’m being punished for that year I spent happy. I live at home with my parents so I know I’ll be fine like, in that sense. But I’m just so depressed, and it’s such a crushing feeling, being so physically and mentally drained and sick right now.

I don’t know what it is either. I go for my fourth and fifth rounds of blood testing this week. I had an ultrasound done and they found an ovarian cyst but it’s not the cause of my sickness, so now I also have a cyst I’m paranoid about. I’m stuck waiting for a referral for paediatric care that I have no idea how long it will take, and I don’t even know what they will do for me at this point.

I’m not sure exactly what I’m hoping to get out of this message… I think I might’ve just needed to voice out my issues for a minute. Thank you for reading if you did.
If you have any advice about… anything at all honestly, I’ll take it. I’m just not sure what to do anymore.

Atlas.

[Ashwell]

Hi Atlas.
I want you to know that i understand you situation. I had a phantom pain in my leg for two years and sometimes it comes back. Nobody could tell me what is wrong with me and then it suddenly got better. It is however important not to give up and try to heal. If not physically than psychically. Dont beat yourself because your depression is getting worse. When our bodies get sick our minds tend to follow especially when we are prone to things like depression. I wish you the best of luck and hold on. You know it can get better.
-Ashwell

[LiveResponse]

From: theladywho (Discord)

Dear Atlas, I can’t imagine how you’ve been feeling exactly, but I can relate as a family member of someone going through a “mystery” medical issue. The anxiety, stress, and depression can really weigh on you. I’m so glad you are posting on here. I know you didn’t share too much info but thank you for opening up about the struggles you are going through. My family member that was having issues has really benefited from having therapy sessions here at home. Maybe ask for a referral for one that can do virtual/phone sessions? I think it would be a good idea to explore. Again thank you for your trust in sharing what’s going on!

[StHaTaDi-Ethan]

You have so much going on and so much to figure out, when is the last time you just went outside and took in some fresh air? When is the last time you took a good proper deep breath of fresh air to take time to ground yourself? Just give yourself some quiet time, realistically we all need time with ourselves to just take in our surroundings and process what is going on. I’d allow yourself to just do that once, twice, heck maybe even more than that every day even when you don’t want to.
Sometimes that moment of calm is what we need to figure out our next steps in our current situations.

Chronic illness is one of the worst things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That’s the thing, you’re getting through this. You’re adapting and trying to figure out life so it’s bearable for you. By reaching out you’ve already taken the first couple of steps.

Wishing you clarity, calmness, and happy news, friend.

[twixremix]

hi @Atlas ,

i’m thankful that even after all this time, you still know heartsupport has got your back through it all. i’m happy to be able to connect with you and hear your story.

i admire your strength through all of these obstacles life is throwing your way. it’s such a difficult journey to have to heal both mentally and physically at the same time. something i kept reflecting back on while reading your post is how physical and mental health is so intertwined. as you await your blood results, please take care of yourself this week. whether it’s walking, decompressing with a creative hobby, reading, rest, etc., my biggest advice i can offer is to focus on tending to your mental health. your physical health will also heal alongside it, even in small ways.

i believe in you, my friend, and i will keep you in my thoughts as you continue to heal.

love,
twix

[Lisalovesfeathers]

Hi Atlas
I am so glad you have reached out and I hope that by doing so you will see that there are people here that are appreciative that you have and are still here to support you when you feel you need it.
When you feel unwell physically and its hard to do the day to day activities that you love and that make you smile its completely understandable that it is going to make you feel unhappy and that unhappiness will wear down the strongest of people. That is not a punishement for you being happy,
Feeling “stuck” is not a nice feeling and I hope that by maybe starting to reach out you are going to be able to free yourself a bit and in time find that happiness you had again, I know I want that for you.
I wish you only good health and happiness.
Lisa

[Atlas]

Thank you all so so much for your kind words. It means so much to me knowing that I am not alone during my battle.

I’m meeting up with a friend for lunch today, just for an hour. It’s really difficult for me to make plans right now because I never know how I’ll be feeling. We’re meeting up on her lunch break so I know if I begin to feel unwell I won’t be out for to long. Still it’s nice knowing someone still wants to be around me even when I’m ill like this.

I’m thinking about reaching back out to my therapist too. I talked to her a few weeks ago. Therapy has honestly never been my preferred method for my mental health struggles, but I know it would be good for me. I might have to think it over a bit more.

Again, thank you all so so much for your kind words. Heartsupport is such a wonderful community. Thank you all❤️

[StarFox]

Atlas,

I am so proud of you for reaching out. Thank you for coming back to HeartSupport & allowing us to support you. Create some moments within each day and give yourself something to look forward to throughout the day. As someone who also struggles with depression, that can be easier said than done…but I believe in you & I know you can do it. You are valid. You are strong. You are amazing.