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Falling again

trying and failing and trying and falling and only ever sinking. never rising enough to make real progress. just a fake happy mask to convince people im getting better cause i gotta stop dragging peopl down. should be able to stand on my own 2 feet by now. should be able to manage the basics of taking care of myself and my flat. ill do better tomorrow, ill fix it tomoorow, ill be better tomorrow, except tomorrow never comes and today is never good enouh. i dont understand. why cant i just do it right. i know how. i know how im supposed to be and what im supposed to do, and i try, i do try, and it works for a little while. but its all fake. its never really better. i dont get better, i just pretend till eventually i fall over and go crashing back down again. people keep telling me im not broken, but its the only thing that makes sense. broken. defective. not fit for purpose. send it back, off to the scrap heap. i see my reflection and loathe the one that stares back at me. whats the point?

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I totally feel with you on this! I’ve been struggling with ADHD and the lack of self-control and impulsive dopamine seeking behavior that goes along with it!

Man it hurts to keep letting down those whom I love.
I went out for drinks and to watch the hockey game, the bartender just kept them coming.
Somehow I didn’t have the self-control to say that’s enough.
After my buddy went home the animal party beast inside me wanted to hit up another exciting place, where there was music and drinks and party vibe.

I realized combining Adderal with Alcohol is bad news, not a good idea as it intensifies the effect of destroying self-control and inhibitions.

Anyhow, I’ve chosen to abstain from alcohol…to stay on the right track. So it upset my wife when I came home after the bar, “as a different” person. Then staying up late and doing voicechat in discord with random people, woke her up and further upset her. So she had to take anti-anxiety pill to get back to sleep and I ruined our whole next day plans. All cuz I wanted to have some “fun”.
Like it’s time to grow up, I have a family and I act so foolish. She already has trust issues with my past battles with porn addiction and lust. I have that under control but being up late on the computer triggers her suspicions and does not help to be in an area of temptation.

Just greed for more, more, selfishness and not thinking about how my actions will affect others.

So now I’m committed to avoiding drinks, and avoiding the night life ( which happens to be so close to where we live ). Temptation lurks and beckons. Don’t think of consequences, just come party and be in the moment. I have to crush the beast and get wise. Feed the white wolf and starve the dark wolf.

I totally feel your pain about battling and the ups and downs, disappointing our loved ones. And just having a really hard time being consistent.

My Father is a recovering alcoholic, and somehow I thought I was exempt and could “handle” my drinks. But it leads to behavior that’s out of harmony with who I want to be.

Many don’t understand how hard ADHD is to manage, they think it’s just a “difficulty focusing”, or they said, we all have a little ADHD these days. But it has far reaching affects in all aspects of daily life. Potential to destroy relationships and more.

We are all trying to heal and keep falling while grabbing for straws, forgetting what is good for us in the long term, and just gobbling up the short term. It’s a hard fight.

Get back up and keep trucking! You’re not alone, it’s very frustrating to be human, especially a human that wants to improve. It’s easy for people who don’t care, but caring and striving to be better is like swimming upstream, against the current. But it’s worth it to avoid the waterfall, and the success that awaits those who don’t give up.

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Friend, I totally hear you, its so hard when you get stuck in that rut of things needing to be done, wanting to do them but its all so overwhelming, I have been in the same situation in recent weeks. I really think you need to give yourself a bit of grace here, its not that you are not able to do it, its just that you have got into this situation of being in a loop and just not knowing where or how to start and its so hard and it brings your self esteem right down. I also understand that need not to want others to keep seeing you in that way so they don’t think of you as “the downer” but true friends don’t think like that, real friends would hate the thought that you would need to put on a front when spending time with them. Its really hard to be you at the moment with all the negative thoughts and the only way that is going to get better is will small and gentle steps and with learning to be kinder to yourself. Start by doing something small every day. Just one thing and be pleased that you did it, make a note of what you want to accomplish and write down how you felt after you did. Then maybe you can try a couple things a day. I think as you do more you will start to feel better within yourself and want to do more. Of course, there are going to be the not so good days, we all have those but hopefully the better days will be much better, and the point is because you deserve to have a happier life, you deserve to feel fulfilled, and you deserve to be able to look at yourself and feel as good as everyone else because you are exactly that. My days have gotten slightly better so I can speak from experience and experiment. I would love to know how you get on if you do give it a try. Much Love Lisa xx

From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, you’re not broken at all. Because of my depression, I struggle with the same thing. I’m on permanent disability because I am horrible at taking care of myself and it’s extremely hard to keep my house in order. Some days, I don’t touch it at all and it can be very overwhelming. What I do it make a schedule of the things I want to get done and I pick on thing a day to try and to no matter how small or big. Some days I don’t do anything and some days I do everything on the list, but most of the time it’s just that one thing. We aren’t broken, we just have a bigger challenge with some things. Take it slow and easy and don’t think you have to prove anything to anyone. ~Mystrose

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From: ManekiNeko

getting to this point I know well. I know the extremes of both ends. I can assure you that you’re not broken and defective, and that it’s not easy to get back out of this cycle. Anyone who says otherwise probably doesn’t fully understand the struggle.
Good news is that you’re not broken, but I’d hate to see you stuck in this place. Is there anything you used to do that you enjoyed? It’s so hard sometimes to even think about it, but sometimes even if you do it for five minutes, you did something. Even if it’s as small as just doing the dishes, the difference lifts the burdens a little. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself

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