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Falling back in to depression and everything else I thought I had gotten over

I’ve been doing well this last year with my anxiety and bipolar disorder. I owe a lot of that progress to my boyfriend, Taylor. However, I’ve been in a downward spiral for the last month at least. I’ve been unemployed for over 2 months. I haven’t been able to find a job that doesn’t worsen my health. That’s one of the reasons I had to leave my last job. Staying home never bothered me. I stayed busy picking up new hobbies, job hunting, and doing all these other things I couldn’t do before. Slowly, I stopped waking up early and working out. I slowed down the job hunt. Depression hit me like a bus out of the blue and I can’t get over it. It’s just getting worse. Symptoms of BDD have come back again as well, making the depression even worse.
It got extremely bad once Taylor and I got into our first big disagreement. We won’t be spending Thanksgiving or Christmas together. Knowing him, we won’t be spending New Year’s together either because he’ll still be with his family that he “never sees”. Then he’ll be gone for a week or more for work. So spending Christmas together was/is very important to me. My family wasn’t going to be able to do Christmas Ever like normal, so we have to do our thing Christmas Day. His family always does their Christmas Day. He won’t let us spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with mine. He straight up told me that we would be missing 2 holidays together since my family’s Christmas changed. Last year, I spent a few hours with mine and two whole days with his. On top of that, his relatives weren’t that nice to me. In order to spend Christmas with him, I have to give up my family all together and spend 2 days with people that accused me of using Taylor. His aunt and dad suggested that I was using him for his money and will break up with him when I get my money back, and/or I’ll get pregnant on purpose and then he’ll be stuck with me.
The fact that I can’t get a job, my boyfriend didn’t stand up to his family for me, he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me despite everything I’ve sacrificed for his family, and we’re not talking has taken what little happiness I had. Last night I went to my garage, closed the door, put on some music, and turned on the car. I sat there for almost a half hour before I started feeling anything. Something made me open the garage door and turn off the car. I’m sitting here right now wondering why. I apologize for this being so long, but I literally have nobody to talk to…


Fights before holidays suck the big one. Especially since your S.O. isn’t standing up for you in front of his family.

Your feelings are valid though you seem to have been minimalized. You are not less. From my view on this,it seems that his family sees you as “lesser” though you’re not. You don’t need that can’t change folks however you can mini.use interactions.

The unequal time between families. Hmm that’s a tough call.

Just breathe and relax and take it a day at a time. We will listen. You got this.

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Hey @JaseyRae,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. For opening the garage door, whatever the reason. For being here and writing this message. You are not alone. And I sincerely regret the situation you described is difficult for the moment.

If this happen again, I’d like to encourage you to reach out to someone you trust, to come here or join a crisis line:

We want you to be safe.

Relationships with in-laws can be difficult. One can be easily perceived as an intruder among people who already know each others. And the fact your boyfriend didn’t stand up for you in front of them is adding of the top of that. You didn’t do anything wrong. And what his aunt and dad suggested was wrong. Maybe they’re worried for their son/nephew, but they could say it in many other ways, like… gentle ones. What they said is not even worth your attention.

It can also be hard to find a job that suits you, especially when you struggle with mental health issues. People are not necessarily aware of what that could implies in everyday life, including at workplace. You did the right thing by leaving your job is it worsened your health. You deserve to work in conditions that suit you. Your well-being is important. And even without any health issue, looking for a new job can be stressful. It’s an important goal, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. It wouldn’t be worth burning yourself.

About your boyfriend and holidays, it can be really difficult to organize everyone’s calendar, especially if there are some relationship difficulties. A few years ago, I was always stressed about that and I ended to be unable to enjoy these moments. So if you think it’s not possible to convince him to do things differently, then perhaps you could both organize a moment just for you, a unique kind of celebration that would only belong to you two, before or after the holidays. I understand the importance of spending this part of the year together and what it can implies symbolically. But you can, at any time, try to prepare a moment together in order to celebrate the new year and wish you the best. Or even celebrating Chrismas at an other moment too?

You are handling different and important things at the same time. It can feel like it’s a lot or things will never get better, but you’ll get through it. Never apologize for writing here. You have the right to express your feelings, thoughts and emotions. I’m glad you managed to share this. You matter. And if sometimes you need someone to talk too, my DMs are open, and you can join us on Discord. :wink:

Sending much Love your way. :heart:

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Thank you for providing me with the love, support, and resources. When my boyfriend and I are back together from spending Thanksgiving with our families, I plan on talking to him about our Christmas plans and trying to set up something we both view as fair, even if that means spending actual Christmas apart. I’m hoping to have the courage to discuss what’s been going on with his family as well. I’m hoping that after these conversations I’ll have a lot of weight lifted off my shoulders. I plan on talking to him about how hard it’s been for me recently too. I’m hoping and praying to get the support that I need. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart!

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