Falling for the wrong person

HeartSupport Support
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I work together with a guy who is sweet to me. I see him everyday and now I hear him for over a month on chat in the weekends. It’s about personal stuff.
I cannot deny I am liking him (more than that…)
He has a relationship, I don’t (I never have been, which makes this so painful cus I won’t be with him?)
And because he seeks to talk to me, I got a feeling he might like me back. I want to tell him I can’t work there anymore because of him (and personal growth). It’s like a big circle.
I want to see and hear from him but it makes me sadder to get a better bond. When I take distance it’s also not helping. I don’t often fall in love, he is there for me. he cares and today he told me I am a very nice collegue. (auwch?) but still I have this feeling there is something more to it? He sends me sappy songs.his own songs to me? I feel like he doesn’t do that with others? Should I just tell him about my feelings? it will probably push him away…

He says other workplaces do things together with collegues, for example going to eat dinner but this is about totally different things, we talk about commitment anxiety and our childhood. he says it’s good to talk about it, as collegues but for me this is way beyond that… at least say we are friends no? he is also quiet and doesn’t talk open to everyone so to me he is willing to do that in less than a few months… Can someone tell me any advice or what you think about the whole situation, I really need advice because I am breaking from inside out and bursting out in tears. it’s that bad

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Welcome to HeartSupport. You’re in good company here.

It sounds to me like he is flirting with you. I don’t think you’re wrong about the vibes you’re picking up. That kind of attention feels excellent. We were bred to seek human connection and intimacy. You’re feeling that from him, and I’m sure he’s feeling it from you too, so you keep talking and doing nice little things for each other. It feels really really good, and that’s why we do it.

That said, it’s not necessarily a good thing, especially if he’s in a relationship. Maybe his relationship is failing, or maybe it’s just become routine for him, but either way he’s seeking something in you that he doesn’t have with his SO. Maybe he wants that new-dating feeling again, because it’s really intoxicating and doesn’t come back when it’s worn off, or maybe he wants a fresh start with someone who doesn’t see his faults. You are not the guilty party for grabbing his attention from his SO, that’s on him. What I will say though, is if he’s happy to flirt with you, he’d be happy to flirt with someone else if the two of you eventually wound up together.

Members of couples will meet people who make them feel that tingle, it’s inevitable. The difference between a steadfast and an unreliable partner is whether they turn from or pursue the people who make them feel those feelings. I’ve been on both sides of this situation. It is SO hard to turn away from someone who makes me feel fresh and newly desirable, but I know even if I try to keep things casual with someone like that I’ll eventually get emotionally attached. On the other side, I started dating a girl who left a lukewarm relationship for me. She rocked my world, until we got into the comfortable routine or a more serious relationship, and then she left me for someone else new and exciting and devastated me. When I finally got over my bitterness, I figured out she wasn’t trying to play me and she really believed we had something special, but she was looking for fireworks, and fireworks are unsustainable long-term.

One more word of caution, getting involved with coworkers is very risky. In the US, there are laws protecting workers from inappropriate workplace relationships. From HR’s standpoint, the only thing between a workplace relationship and a lawsuit is one person getting hurt and deciding to say they were treated inappropriately by the other. Also, if one of you is in a higher position than the other, that could be seen from the outside as favorable treatment for a romantic partner. Either way, to get ahead of it, HR might reassign, reprimand, or even fire one or both of you if they think your relationship is inappropriate.

I hate to be a wet blanket. I am happy that you feel loved and valued, and in any other scenario I’d say congratulations! There are just issues that could make this one potentially dangerous to your emotional health and job security. That said, if you wanted to know for sure, I like your idea of telling him that you’re thinking about leaving because of how you feel about him. Just be ready to either follow through with it or swallow your disappointment if he doesn’t return the sentiment.

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Hello @OhnoAJ

Welcome to Heart Support! Thank you for posting!

Be careful to not confuse friendship with romantic feelings. The theory that he isn’t in a good relationship and is looking for something he doesn’t have isn’t always the case. You can be in a healthy relationship and still have friends of the opposite sex that you are close to.

Has he has talked to you about his relationship? How does he talk about her? Does he confide in you about how he feels about his partner? Does he talk about leaving them or that they have problems? Does he talk to you at all about his partner?

I think getting involved with someone who is already in a relationship is dangerous because you risk the chance of putting them in an awkward position if they don’t feel the same. For example, I’ve been with my partner for 13yrs and if my best friend told me they had feelings for me, I would probably not see them anymore. It wouldn’t be appropriate because it would send the wrong message. So, that’s something you risk by telling them how you feel. Sometimes it’s good to just keep it to yourself until you know for sure how they feel about you. You’re perception of the whole situation could be wrong.

It could be as simple as he sees you as a trusted friend and is treating you that way.

Either way, this is something you really, really need to discern before you talk to him. :hrtlegolove:

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Hello, thank you for your point of view.

I know this is indeed hard to tell if it’s romantic or pure friendship. I see the line between friendship and something different is fading.
It’s confusing because he told me I am a ‘good compatible collegue I can talk to’ and also ‘a very nice collegue’. He emphasis on the word ‘collegue’ a lot.

I have asked him if he can talk about the things he struggles with a good friend or his girlfriend and he said he doesn’t see his friend a lot to relief the struggles. He totally ignored it about the girlfriend. He always talks like he is alone. the only thing I might hear is ‘we …’

I don’t want to show my feelings to him. Although I see a spark if we talk. He is a little awkward sometimes and makes some sort of tension. I could talk for hours with him which could also mean a good friendship. I absolutely don’t want to make it awkward because it’s my collegue.

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Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my ‘struggle’.
I talked about this with a friend and she said it could be that I am someone who has something his gf doesn’t have. But also, I don’t to be the person who makes his relationship with his gf better. (Very vague but I think I understand: I complete it maybe(?)
I think I have to be a little distant. I don’t want to feel ‘used’ in a way.
I don’t want to be emotionally attached but that is already happening, because he is one of the people I see and hear the most. I think it’s normal. We have a great vibe together, would be rather cold if I wouldn’t feel like that… It might be a woman thing to link it with romance?

I want to hide my feelings. It wouldn’t be okay for me tell my feelings about him when he has a pretty long relationship and is my coworker. I don’t want to change jobs because of this.
But at the other hand…I haven’t heard from him this weekend and I feel the need to hear him. :sweat_smile:

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