I’ve always struggled with PTSD anxiety and MDD … but I made it through the worst part of what caused my ptsd …until last year. Suddenly being intimate with my husband began to be excruciating, it hurt I bled … I didn’t know what to think. So I go to see a GYN…then comes the dreaded question “have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse “ not in the way many would think… I was assaulted the year before i became a mom, on New Year’s Eve 2012/2013. I explain the details to the doctors and how it was a rape but it was an assault, and the dr just says well, your body is just reacting like your being raped, go get a counselor… so I went to 2 different ones to get better insight …and it was the same thing. There was never an ultrasound or anything done to figure out what was
Wrong . Year ends we come into this one …still can’t have sex w my husband bc it hurts…and in June I finally realize he’s been cheating on me for the last year with a woman he met on the Xbox…and in June I went to my cousins wedding (which he refused to go to with me the previous year ) and he tells me he is going to see we will call her “Emily” on the other side of the country where she lives and stays in the hole
W her and her husband … I couldn’t handle it , I told him I want a divorce . In November I finally made an appointment to see a new GYN that isn’t associated with the hospital network I’ve been to previously. My uterus is enlarged, they do an ultrasound and the volume of my uterus is way more than what is considered normal…I find out tomorrow what this means although from my years working in healthcare I know it probably means a hysterectomy coming …I’ve been struggling with being happy I will have relief and be able to go to the store and not have to stop bc it feels like everything is going to fall out …but struggling bc my fertility is going to be gone forever … struggling with my marriage being shattered over his infidelity and questioning why I wasn’t good enough …is it my fault because I couldn’t have sex, maybe I should have let him go elsewhere, it feels like everything is going to hell in a hand basket 
Hi Caleydiane 
Thank you for posting here and for your trust. You have touched upon some really heavy topics in your post. Mental health issues, sexual abuse, cheating husband. No wonder you are feeling the way you are. This is a lot of heavy stuff and it all weighs down on you. Remember it is ok to not be ok. It would be more weird if all of this happened to you and you would feel ok. That would be messed up but the way you feel is “normal” for the situation you are in. So dont push yourself too hard ok. Give yourself some rest you need it. You need time to process everything that happened.
No it is not. It is just messed up that he would leave because you had problems having sex and it wasnt even that long. I dont know your husband but you should not do to your wife what he did. He had failed you when you needed him the most. You needed his love and support and he did what he did instead. Dont beat yourself up because of it. It is not your fault. It just isnt. Ok 
. Things will get better eventually but it will take time. Take things slow and one at a time. You can make it through. You are a very strong person. I wish you a lot of strenght and a lot of luck. Bye for now.
Hi @Caleydiane Welcome 
I’m so sorry you have had to deal with all this, it sucks.
No, it’s NOT your fault. Your husband should be supporting you and helping you figure this out. Not looking for sex somewhere else. That’s just an excuse to cheat and it’s very disrespectful to you.
I’m proud of you for not putting up with that crap.
As far as the physical side of this, I’m glad you figured things out. Having a hysterectomy is a very hard thing to deal with. There are alternatives for children that you might want to check out when you’re ready. Don’t give up on that ok. Is this a full hysterectomy or are they going to leave an ovary? Full will put you into menopause, so that’s something you should look into getting some info about on how to manage it. I’m in menopause right now and it’s not easy, but I think the worst is over. I’m just having hot flash after hot flash lool.
I’ll tell you a secret… it’s not your fault that your husband cheated on you. This has to do with his own mental health and his own choices. He wasn’t your person because someone who truly loves you will not treat you like this. It’s his loss. Please don’t take the blame for his choices.
A medical issue is not a “fault”. A trauma that you’re still recovering is not a “fault”.
Cheating on your married legal spouse is a FAULT, maybe also a crime depending on where you are lol.
Imagine telling your partner “this hurts” and he thinks "but i wanted to get off tonight, wah wah wah " (crying baby noises)
A good partner, a mature partner might be inclined to say: “oh no, that shouldn’t be so painful. let’s get that checked out. Then let’s get a second opinion if we’re still not back to normal or have answers. How are you handling this mentally? I miss us expressing our affection through this one act, but guess what, there are tons of fun stuff we could do to express our intimacy that doesn’t involved one painful act”.
Does that make you see how different the response could have been?
Maybe even in a crazy, meta way, your body and your mind maybe have been rejecting your husband because you sensed and part of you knew he was creeping around already?
Wouldn’t that be kind of cool? (that is a bit of light hearted musing by the way, medical issues are real, and I’m in no way minimizing what you’re going through!)
Bu maybe this is a blessing in some ways. You’re getting rid of the pain inside you, and also getting rid of a burden of an unfaithful partner.
Do you have access to a therapist? Maybe they could help you navigate through some of the changes in your life that are approaching?
We’re here for you. You deserve happiness, health and peace of mind!
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