[QUICK NOTE: I’m going to try and summarize this the best I can, but I like to go into detail so it will be quite long this recounting] There’s been a lot going on in the past few months and I’m not sure what to do. On October 6th, my parents announced to my brothers and I (twin brother is 16 / younger brother recently became 12) that they were getting a divorce. They are still in the process of filing for it, so there won’t be many changes as of now, but it affected my brothers a lot. On the outside they seem fine, but after the past few days, it seems they aren’t. Personally, the first few days after the announcement were hard, but I’m fine and honestly okay with my parents getting a divorce (I’m happy if it makes them happy). For my brothers though, I guess not. On November 2nd, my twin brother’s friends pulled me aside during lunch, and apparently he’s been idealising(?) suicide, and lightly harming himself (it’s still harm though). They said he started becoming more negative and voicing these thoughts around October 10th, so we’ve concluded that the divorce must’ve pushed him to start externalising his worries. For him, it seems he’s quite worried about our financial situation, but other than that he seems okay…? That’s relating to the divorce though… There are other things that have him bothered, but we don’t quite know what to do for him. He’s “planned” to end himself on November 11th (we have school off), but it’s unclear if he’ll go through with it. This is mainly because what has happened in the past few days. On Monday, Novermber 7th, my younger brother came home from school and was acting quite odd. He kept pacing around our living room and laying on the floor, even just randomly pacing around our front porch and driveway. I asked him if he was okay and needed to talk about anything but he said he was fine so I left it at that. My parents got home around 5pm, and I had my door closed while doing homework but I heard them yelling at him. Apparently, he got suspended from school and can’t go back until our parents have a conference with the principal and vice principal on Monday. This is because he was taking pictures of other students in the locker room (which is the number one policy not to do). It’s quite messed up and odd why he was doing that, but my only thoughts are that he isn’t thinking with his head. He’s always been quite the trouble child, and every time he’s gotten into a mess it’s because of a lack of respect toward other people. To continue, they stopped yelling, but were scolding him and overall trying to understand what was going on with him. When I walked downstairs about ten minutes later I acted like I didn’t know what happened and asked my mom if she could take me to the store to get some hygiene products. My mom was still visibly upset, but she said sure. She called my younger brother down before we left and asked about grades, so she’s at least talking to him normally at that point but the atmosphere was still visibly tense. She told me what happened in the car, and etc. We went into the store, and not even 5 minutes into collecting what we needed, my dad calls. My little brother cut himself with a pocket knife he had (he’s in scouts), and needed to go get stitches at the hospital. My mom was shocked, and we left to go to the emergency room he was at. My dad gave us the wrong address, so we were quite behind, but we made it there. This was around 6:30pm. When we got there my dad came out and started to do paperwork, while my mom went back to the room my brother was in. He didn’t lose a ton of blood, but he still cut himself deep enough he needed stitches. I didn’t get to see him because only parents/guardians get to see the child (and there was a only 1 parent at a time policy). I sat outside with my dad for a good half hour, but we realized that it was going to take quite a while for everything to happen, so my mom messaged my dad and told him to take me back to the store and go home. I got the products I needed, and my dad got carpet cleaner for the blood. All the while, my twin brother was still at home unaware of what was happening. I texted him during the time at the ER though, and filled him in. I’m in a group chat with my brothers friends and I told them about what happened along with one of my close friends. I mainly told them, because they had advised me to tell my mom about what’s happening with my twin brother. And back to that, we still don’t know where he is at. After discussing my little brother with my dad and twin, we had a private conversation ourselves. I know this isn’t right, but I used my little brother’s situation to try and apply it to my twin. He’s quite worried about our finances and other stuff, so I said stuff like (because we didn’t know if my younger brother was trying to kill himself or not; it wasn’t an attempt, he was mad at himself and I guess was coping, but that obviously isn’t a good way to cope) we can’t afford a funeral right now, but we can afford therapy. And on that note, while finally talking to my mother about my twin’s depression (I only told her about his depression because I was testing out the waters to see how she’d react) she said that she could honestly pay for our entire family to go to therapy (five of us), because her insurance covers most of therapy apparently (+ my little brother is going to have to get therapy anyways as recommended by a psychiatrist he met the day he hurt himself). But back to my twin, we aren’t sure what he wants. I’ve talked to one other person I know because they told me they attempted to end themselves in middle school, and they said they did it because they didn’t feel noticed, wanted, etc. I’m thinking my brother may feel that way, but at the same time when we’ve tried to include him in family activities he says, (sorry for the language) “I fucking hate this shit.” “Why the fuck are we doing this.” “I wish they wouldn’t make us do this dumb shit.” and etc. Now, maybe we need to find activities to do that he likes, but it’s just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Legit though, I’ve talked to my brother alone, and he feels like I guess your typical middle child (I’m older by a minute lol), he feels kinda invisible. But the thing is, he doesn’t make the effort to talk to the rest of the family. Now, we’re trying to reach out more but idk aaa. Both my brothers have actually expressed that they think I’m the favorite (but I’ve talked to both my parents, and they do like really do love us all equally, It’s the fact I willingly engage and start conversations and will go on errands with them. I guess another factor would be that I have the highest grades out of us 3, and I was a varsity runner this year. My dad really values sports and exercise, but overall yea idk. The main thing I’m trying to make a point yea idk, is that so I told my twin’s friends that I talked to my mother about his depression, but they are urging me to tell her about the possible attempt, and etc. I know I need to do it, but I can’t help but be nervous about what’s going to happen. Also, the fact that my brother thinks neither of us know. One of the people that was in my brother’s friend group left that group but is still friends with my brother. Relating to them, the day my brother’s friends pulled me aside, that person thought they pulled me away to talk shit about them and snitched to my brother. So, my brother knows it wasn’t stuff about that friend, it’s about him. He even messaged them and said “wow you guys snitched didn’t you”- but, he only thinks it was 2 of about 6 that are in the group (so he’s lost trust in those two). Like I know I should be direct about it, and maybe even confront him about it, but he’s very sensitive. He lashes out when someone shows the slightest offense toward his opinion (well not openly, but when he’s with me, if I get iffy about an opinion of his, he starts to get agitated and idk…) Overall though, both of my brothers, they are both very sensitive and definitely need help, I just don’t know how to approach them and the situation itself. I’m scared my twin is going to do something, so this weekend, if he doesn’t agree to hanging out with his friends I’m going to take matters into my own hands and get my parents to try and do a family activity out of the house. Maybe even with my little brother’s situation, have him go with me to take the kids biking. I think my twin is okay though… I used the finance / therapy thing and idk… I think he’s okay though, he talked to me about doing a yoyo competition next year, and he liked a jacket I had, so I said I’d buy it for him and it’s arriving in two weeks. So based on this, I assume that he won’t do it because why would he want something that comes 2 weeks after he plans to…but then again, it could just be a front to steer my “obliviousness” away from the thought of him possibly attempting. Either way, I feel this is more of a vent about what’s happening, and I’m not sure whether, actually idk, but yea. I think everything’s going to be okay. I just feel pressured. I’ll update this possibly, depending on what becomes of the situation, but overall thank you to all that read this, I just yea I think I mainly needed to vent yea. Thank you again though for taking the time to look at this, and if anyone gives advice yea. Oh but before I leave this, I have thought about talking to a school counselor about my twin because we do have like a school therapist(?). Not sure if I will though, because I’m not sure if it would stress him out too much.
First, I am so sorry about your parents divorce. I can’t imagine the pressure it could be putting on you guys. I am glad you are seeing the brighter side of things but I’m sorry your brothers seem to be taking it hard.
Second, I’m afraid I don’t have much advice other than approaching trusted professionals about this situation, especially about your brother’s suicide plans. When someone is in the thick of depression and suicidal ideation, it’s hard to look outside of themselves and think logically about getting help, or accepting that those around them like friends and family are really just trying to help (also why he became upset with the friends who “snitched”). The thoughts become so overwhelming and so obsessive that they almost become desensitized to the shock of doing it, and only get closer and closer to actually following through.
I feel like this is a very serious and urgent situation. If you are able to talk to a trusted adult (counselor, parents, etc.) about how bad this is getting for him—to the point where he’s actually hurting himself now and has a day/plan I’m place—then I think that is ideal and safest for all of you, of course especially him. I think it’s important that he is not alone right now.
Please keep us updated, my heart hurts for him, both of your brothers, and I truly hope that there is a positive outcome to this situation. We are here for you.
Hello @Arohlinh,
Wow, that all sounds so overwhelming, upsetting, and scary. I can’t imagine all the stress that you and your family may be under during this divorce, though I’m glad that the divorce seems consensual. I can’t emphasize enough how emotionally challening that situation must be and am so sorry that your family is going through so much.
While I 110% understand why you’d be nervous about talking to your mom, your twin’s friends (and hellosusieqzz) are completely right in saying that it’s important to bring a trusted adult into the picture here (parents are ideal, but a school counselor is also a great choice). You’re all on the same team and adults will be better equipped to handle the situation. While it’s true that your brother may feel some sense of betrayal in the short-term, he is likely to be thankful in the long-term.
I also understand how scary and uncomfortable it is to bring up topics of self-harm and suicidal ideation with your brothers, but know that it’s okay (actually, good) to directly discuss these matters directly. A multitude of studies have shown that talking/asking about suicide doesn’t increase suicide risk. If you’re able to, try to simply be there for your brothers. Help them to recognize that they aren’t alone and are cared for. And, more than anything else, try to listen to what they’re going through without judgement. This webpage offers a little more detail (steps 2-5): https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2018/12/how-to-help-someone-who-is-suicidal/
Remember to take care of yourself too in these difficult times. This is such a stressful situation, and I can’t imagine all the emotions that you are facing. Know that we’re always here for you on HeartSupport and you’re welcome back at any point if you have updates or if anything is on your mind.
Thank you for being here. You are loved.
<3 Tuna
Wow! You have no idea how impressed I am with your compassion, intelligence, and empathy! Your family situation is super complicated, and I’m not sure I’ve met anyone who has put more effort into understanding and caring about their family members.
Everyone in your family could benefit from counseling, even if their mental health is in pretty good shape. For many, divorce is even more traumatic than the death of a loved one. It certainly was for me.
Explain to your brother that a friend who snitches in order to keep him safe, is a far better and more trustworthy friend than one who keeps a secret that would allow him to die. Choosing to snitch is a hellish choice. The question arises, “do I love this person enough to let him hate me?” There is also the risk that by stitching, the person considering self-harm will become less trusting and more secretive, thereby increasing the risk of self-harm. All things considered, I still think snitching is the best option.
I attempted suicide at age 10. Indications of self-harm in children needs to be taken very seriously. I didn’t receive counseling, and spent a lot of years engaging in “death wish” activities.
It sounds to me as though you are doing all the right things. Regardless of what happens, your being there has made the situation less painful. Compassionate and nonjudgmental listening, really does help people find their way and heal.
Please stay in touch! Wings
That is a really tough situation. It sounds like your parents are either being amicable or not drawing you into their fights, which is great. Even so, like @Wings said, divorce is really hard on everyone involved. The family is suffering a loss of everything they knew to count on in their dynamics. It’s a trauma, plain and simple. Sometimes the kids minimize themselves, like your twin brother, because they think their problems are less important than everyone else’s. Other times they act out for attention, like your younger brother is doing, because they’re afraid their problems and concerns will get overlooked. One thing is almost certain, everyone in your family may act out in unexpected, unpredictable way–even you–whether or not they understand why.
I think it’s great that your mom is on board with getting everyone into therapy. It will be good to process through the trauma while it’s still fresh, rather than letting it scar over for years or decades and forming toxic habits. I’d encourage you to trust the process and invest yourself in it, even if you feel like you have a good handle on what’s happening. Maybe you have a healthy pragmatic perspective on the divorce itself, but that makes you the de facto peacekeeper, and being the peacekeeper in a family struggle can wreak havoc on a person. Being vulnerable in therapy doesn’t mean you aren’t being strong for your family. Unapologetic self-care is actually one of the best things you can do for yourself and them.
One note on your twin brother, don’t stop trying to connect with him. I know it’s frustrating to try to reach out only for him to respond with disdain, but he’s not being difficult for the hell of it. It’s another manifestation of him trying to minimize himself, whether he realizes it or not. The idea is that if he rejects family activities, maybe the family will stop asking and leave him alone, and then when they do that they won’t have to worry themselves about him. If that happens, he’ll be isolated at home, and that’s a really dangerous space for him to be. I’d encourage you, your mom, and your dad to reach out to him in turns, and continuing to emphasize that you see him and you’re there for him. Even if he doesn’t take you up on activity invitations, those are his lifeline to the family.
Good luck as you navigate this big transition, and don’t hesitate to reach out here. 