So this is my first time on here and I wanted to vent to some place.
My grandmother back in September passed away. She was the only one that believed in anything I did and just wanted me to be happy in this world. My mom treats me poorly at times just because I’m almost 18 and I have no idea what I want to do in my life, i don’t have my license and I’ve never worked because of fear of people. all I do is play video games with my friends which makes me happy a while but when I get off I feel depressed again. I’ve recently started streaming and I’m not big but i do have people that come watch me and I’ve gotten messages before about how I’ve made people happy after having a bad day and that is something that makes me happy and I’ve been thinking about content creation being a bit of a job or hobby but my mom thinks that its a wastes since I’m not making money from it. i started because I liked playing video games and wanted to make people smile not make millions.
my mom does not care about me. i know she has really bad mental health like really bad. ptsd and depression/anxiety but for her to not care when i need help with my mental state and say things that is breaking my mental health is hurting me. she talks on the phone on her friends how she is going to ask my grandpa to take me and my sister off the will so she can sell the house and move away from us and told me the only reason why she is still here is because of my grandfather still being alive. everyday she tells me this stuff and sometimes it makes me feel so worthless to the point of thinking that maybe i don’t deserve to be here because of the fact that I have no idea what i want to do and i fee like a burden.my mental state is just breaking down day by day and i don’t show it at all. I’ve have times where it did show like when i admitted back in 6th grade that i use to self harm and i still do it in different ways thinking about it when i get emotional. but since 6th grade ive been hiding my emotions and more so since my grandmother passing. i just don’t know what i want to do fully and I’m too anxious about everything. (I’m sorry about the spelling and grammar )
So this is my first time on here and I wanted to vent to some place.
Hey there mynameiscat,
First of all, my condolences. It sounds like your grandmother was a great inspiration, and source of love and support throughout your life. In times like these I like to remember all the good that our loved ones did, and treasure the memories I had with them. If you’re comfortable sharing, I’d love to hear of some of your favorite memories you have with her.
I don’t think I had a very strong clue about what I wanted to do until I was 18, so you’re not alone! Even later in life, people aren’t always sure what they want to do, and that’s totally okay! The pressure from parents to figure out what you’re doing is really there so that you can start moving towards a target. I’ve found in my life that once I have a goal in mind, it makes all the steps leading up to that point incredibly clear, and all the stress of figuring out the “right path forward” is basically gone. For example, when I was in university, I knew what the next 4 years of my life held, and I knew what I had to do to succeed within that, it makes things MUCH simpler.
I’m sure she just wants you to have a goal in mind so that you can make steps towards it!
I’ll also point out that I didn’t have my license until I was 18 either. I didn’t feel a need for it, but I did end up getting it. It might seem scary on the front but once you get the hang of driving it’s not so bad.
Something I really want to talk about is your mention of playing video games, but feeling depressed afterwards. Video games aren’t really a focus, but more of a distraction. They are there for you when you want to rest, but they don’t really get you anywhere in life, or solve anything (unless you’re in that industry). So the reason you might feel depressed afterwards is because they’re an escape for you, but once you have to come back to real life you have to face that all over again. Look at it like a vacation, if you keep taking vacations, you’re just trying to run away from the life you have, which you can’t.
A way forward there is to really focus on real life for a bit, and make that a much happier place to be. Look at the things in life that make you upset or stressed, and figure out how to solve them so that coming back from the escape of video games isn’t quite so bad.
As to the second part, it sounds like your mother is taking the perspective of a caring parent. She wants you to succeed, and to succeed you need money. You need to pay for rent/mortgage, utilities, a car, insurance, food, etc. You’ll need money to pay for that, and money requires a job. I think if you showed her a plan hear, or talked to her about what you imagine your future being, she might be more receptive towards your path. If you can live on a fry cooks salary and stream on the side and be happy, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I think she’ll probably get off your back a bit if you show her that you’ve thought of the questions she’s asking, and you have a response.
“i don’t show it at all.” This part in the second paragraph in particular is very troubling IMO. It’s something I notice incredibly frequently, so you’re not alone in that. But hiding your true feelings does nothing but make it worse. Communication in ANY relationship is paramount, and if you’re not communicating with your mother, there’s no way she can understand what you’re going through. Her life is just as complex as yours, if not more complex just because she’s the head of a household, so she has just as many thoughts and troubles buzzing around her head, she might just not notice the symptoms of your mental state because there are a lot of other things she has to juggle to make sure things run smoothly.
I’d say it’s important to reach out to her, and really let her know how what she says impacts you. For all you know, she might have literally no clue that it’s affecting you whatsoever. In these conversations it’s very very important to remain relatively calm and collected, and bring up each point in turn, explain it, and explain the impact it has on you.
In the end, it’s okay not to know what you want to do. I’d recommend exploring things you enjoy doing, and then look at jobs around those. There are many odd jobs that people forget exist, that can put you in a place of doing something you enjoy, while making a good living. It’s okay to take time to explore options, and communicating to your mother that you’re looking at a specific field might help her feel like you are thinking about this.
Best of luck friend!
thanks for the reply. I’m trying to figure out goals when it comes to getting a job. getting my license is hard because the thought of driving is scary since I’ve been in two car accidents. playing video games with friends have always been a way to escape from depression but I’m trying to face reality more. as for my mom i think she feels like i am a burden and she’s clearly tired of being a parent. she knows what has been going on with me and she’s told me that she’s have it worst and should just get over everything that i am feeling. I’ve realize keeping it in is unhealthy and I’m starting to talk to a social worker at school : )
Thanks for YOUR reply
Those accidents to add more context to driving, I can understand why you might be afraid of it. I actually live without a car now (I don’t really like driving but I’ll do it if I have to), so it IS possible to live without one if you’re willing to live somewhere with solid transit/walkability. I would say it’s unfortunately one of those skills you do have to learn in the modern world, so I’d recommend taking it slow and just driving around areas that are very calm and you feel comfortable in, or around some empty parking lots. Slowly build up your confidence and you’ll get there
As for your mothers response, it’s not exactly fair to just tell you to “get over everything” because she’s faced it before. Everyone has a different path through life and just because she took one path doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed to take another.
I think it’s wonderful that you’ve started to speak to a social worker about this, those resources are there to be used! I’m honestly super glad to hear that, and they could be an amazing resource to help you communicate more with your mother!