Fear of being reject in my fitness class

[Metalskater1990]

My therapist mouth made me do a script, about a girl that big crush in my fitness class. How she hated me and they will never be enough for anyone. This story I made up to face rejection, but still can’t face it.

So years ago, I went on a tinder date with her. Honestly, i personality had a lot and she was really cool. However, we never hang after, I try a couple to make she alway she busy ( mostly not interested )

She show on social media she was doing a fitness class. I figure I wanted to get in better shape anyway, so why not. She did wave at me a couple, sometime we do some small talking. Last class I did see her, we did not wave, in addition it was during a work out. One point we have to get a panther, I figure she probably already had one. Then I look over she was by herself. Kinda wish I made a move.

Oven the hands, I’m too sensitive of being rejection ( cause my BDP) . It point really dark place, to point I want hurt people. Even doing something mess up, like message her saying I’m going end my life because of you or just snap at her. I’m terrible of dealing with these emotions, having that teacher in my past saying no girl will ever be with you.

That way I don’t date, the worst of me come out and never desire enough for a woman.

[Wings]

I always expected 99/100 women to reject me, and with rare exceptions, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. As Groucho Marx once said, “I wouldn’t want to be a member of a club whose standards were low enough that they would accept me.” Similarly, I suspected that there must be something wrong with any woman that would be interested in me."

In my first marriage, I decided that we were both so messed up, that we would probably put up with each other. There was love of a sort, largely based on codependency. We did make a go of it for 18 years, but it was rough, and we grew distant as she kept getting more and more involved with drugs and alcohol. Actually, we are both into it, but I quit and she kept doing it. There were huge problems in the relationship, and I was often contemplating suicide. At the end, the choice felt like leave the relationship or suicide. I had several plans that would make it look like an accident.

Anyway, I left the relationship, and I’m still here. I explained the above in order to give a little context to what I’m about to say next.

Remember the part in the movie “Forrest Gump,” when Bubba spent three days describing all of his shrimp recipes? That scene comes to mind when I think about the first days of getting to know my current wife. I talked and talked for three days about all of my hangups/emotional issues, the crazy relationship with my ex, traumatic childhood, a couple of bankruptcies, problem children, and my precarious financial situation.

I fully expected her to drop me, but to my amazement, she stuck around.

I hope that you will find the person who will stick with you, even after you’ve told her all about yourself.

I think I avoided fear of rejection by feeling pretty certain that I would be.

Rejections that take place early in a relationship occur before there is deep knowledge or understanding of each other. Therefore, the entire you is not rejected, only a small part is, or it may be based on an inaccurate assumption about you.

Are you in any kind of support group?

[Micro]

Hey friend,

Rejection is a very scary beast. Even without BPD and the struggle of the intensity of emotions it creates, rejection is truly something that we collectively fear to some extent. It pushes us to question ourselves, our worth, our right to belong even… it’s a terrible experience to go through. So I hope you keep in mind that even if it brings these deep emotions and thoughts to you, it doesn’t make you a bad person nor someone broken.

For what it’s worth from me, I’m proud of you for working on these emotions and scenario with your therapist. It’s a type of exposure that can be incredibly powerful in your healing journey. You have an amazing level of self-awareness, friend. You understand yourself to an extent that is truly admirable. You’re on the right path.