Fear of losing control

Hi. I’m 20. sorry for my english.
apparently I look like a beautiful girl, educated, smart and brilliant. Solar, and so funny and nice. They love my company. But how much do they really know about me? I suffer from adhd and borderline disorder. Probably also bipolar disorder, we are investigating. I always felt a fish out of water, alone even if surrounded by many friends. in a bubble of mine where no one else can enter. I feel myself a prisoner of myself. Always been like that, from an early age. I discovered these disorders a few months ago, thanks to a very good psychiatrist. As a child I was a victim of bullying, plus I was always sick and I had a bad health to play with other children. My parents, especially my mother, have always considered me good for nothing. Now they help me a lot more, thankfully. Even if she does everything possible for me, it’s been years since I’ve been able to hug my mother or say “I love you.” Plus I was in a DESTRUCTIVE relationship with a narcissist. He left me, but I continue to love him. before and after him I have never been able to stay with anyone else. I swear. I always Fucked up everything. and tonight I feel terribly hopeless. as if there is no path to happiness. sometimes I would just like to be normal. enjoy everything fully like the others. without attacks that take my sleep away from too much adrenaline in the circulation, i really feel like a mosquito in a box. without episodes of self exclusion, without depressive episodes. moreover I forget things, I lose objects, and I can not even orient myself in the streets near my house. I can not attend university because of the problem of attention and concentration, so my future worries me. but anxiety attacks like this of tonight, take away from me any hope of having a beautiful future. How can I do? I don’t feel completely inadequate compared to others. I feel inadequate towards life! I’m tired and no one really understands you. I’ve got so many loyal friends, but no one knows how i feel. They know about my full story, about these disorders, but they can’t understand how i’m feeling inside. It’s crazy how when we go out they can quietly have a good conversation while i’m with my mind who knows where thinking about only god knows what. And while they’re talking i would probabily start singing for no reason. I have to pretend to be part of it. to be focused on the conversation, especially if they’re talking to me. It gave me a lot of stress. And sometimes i don’t want to meet or talk or text with no one. I just want to be alone, with myself.

1 Like

Hello. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the community. I’m glad you are taking your time of day to write of what you are going through. I’m sorry for the experiences you dealt with. I may not relate to everything about you, except fear of losing control. This what everyone has in common. We don’t want to lose control. We want everything to be right. We want everything to go of how we want it to be. It’s okay to be afraid. Once you acknowledge them, you will overcome them. I may not understand you, but God does. He knows why you are going through trials, and He will help you to pass them. Remember, you are not alone. If you need help or someone to reach out to, HeartSupport is here for you. Thank you for reading this. I hope you are having a restful night. God bless. Stay strong. :night_with_stars:

1 Like

Hey there!

Thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us. I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know what it’s like to have a rocky relationship with a parent AND be in a relationship with a narcissist; these are some serious issues that can really cause emotional damage. Just know that you are not the problem, no matter what these people are causing you to believe. You ARE smart, brilliant, funny, beautiful. Your illnesses, struggles – whatever, do not define you.

I’m glad you have a good psychiatrist to see, that helps a lot. Continue to see them. Also, if you aren’t in the mental state to text/call/hang out, you are not obligated to.Your true friends will stick around when you need some alone time. Do what’s best for YOU.

And remember, we’re all here for you. <3

1 Like

Talk to your friends, tell them you need some time for a break, to be left alone. I believe in you. Burn the walls away, have hope to break out. Take joy in who you are. We are here to pick you up. You don’t owe it to your friends to not be focused on yourself. I believe someone out there will be able to enter your bubble. You are more than you think on the inside.
Stay alive, please, for you for the sun for the moon for us. Find a reason to live.
We love you.

Stay strong

1 Like

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. None of these things make you any less beautiful, smart, funny etc. You don’t have to go to university to have a brilliant future. Many people don’t and still have a successful life. The fact your mind wonders to music when you’re not a direct part of the conversation sounds to me like a coping method (just speaking from experience). It happens to me at work. For example today. I was working and people were talking around me, but all I was doing was singing songs in my head and it was because I was feeling myself heading into a panic attack.
It’s okay to want to be by yourself - but don’t let yourself fall into destructive habits and isolation. Trust me when I say those are things that are NOT easy to break out of. Talk to your friends about your thoughts and feelings, write them down, exactly as they’re going around in your head if you have too. They’ll listen, they’ll try to help. You’ve always got us here at HeartSupport.

Hold Fast
Kayla

1 Like

Hey @applehead - Thank you for reaching out. You’re not alone with fearing that you’re losing control. One of the attributes of anxiety is the fear that you’re going to lose control. Keep in mind that this is just a fear, though - it’s not reality. You are completely in control. Take care of yourself. Don’t worry if you aren’t in the right mindset to socialize with people - they will understand. Your struggles don’t define you. Your heart defines you. Keep fighting. We believe in you!