My ex used to yell at me when I slept. He hated me sleeping because he didn’t trust I was actually asleep so he assumed I was cheating on him or doing other things so it’s really hard to let myself sleep. And I just wake up and if I have messages that I didn’t respond to because I was sleeping I find myself panicking and apologizing for not responding and for sleeping. Like me sleeping is a bad thing. So I just don’t sleep.
For those of you who didn’t read my last post the doctor informed me that the baby isn’t making it. And I’m having a miscarriage. It can take up to 48 hours for this process to happen. I don’t really understand it but whatever I guess. But they gave me pain pills to deal with the cramps and what they called contractions. I’m so afraid to take them because of my past addiction to pain pills but also the pain is excruciating and well that adds to me not sleeping. And it’s finals week so sleep is important too.
In the back of my head I just want to go back to self harm. Because I deserve to feel the pain I put that baby through. It’s my fault. I caused pain to that baby. And I need to feel that pain now too.
Also with being in pain how do I tell my job what’s happening and tell them I need to be careful at work? Rumors spread a lot at work and I don’t trust anyone. I’m scared and I’m sorry for posting again
Love you hold fast