Feel guilty about my dad and brother

In the midst of this whole situation with cutting my mom off, I feel like I’m also cutting my dad and brother off as well and I feel so guilty. They haven’t done anything bad to me, but I feel like since they are attached to her and she’s there whenever I talk to them, I just don’t have an interest in talking to them, because they’re attached to her. Does that make sense. I feel so guilty. I love my dad and brother so much and I think I’m gonna lose them in the process of cutting my mom off. I feel so guilty and I feel so bad for them. I feel so bad that I am leaving them behind, taking a long time to reply to their messages, ignoring them. I feel like a terrible person. My dad is precious and deserves the best, and I hate the thought of leaving him behind, disappointing him, the thought of him sad makes my heart break. The thought of leaving my brother behind and him not getting to talk to me makes me so sad, I’ve only tried my hardest to keep him from going through what I went through at his age and I feel like I’m just slapping both of them in the face. My dad has done so much for me but I’m just so scared. I’m so scared what will happen when I cut my mom off. I think I plan to do it this next week. I don’t want to lose him, but I feel like I’ve just been distancing myself from him and my brother. I feel awful

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You’re not a terrible person. You are doing what you need to. Guilt won’t fix anything, but it can distract from possible solutions. I’m pretty sure your dad and brother know that you love them. Is there a reason they can’t come to visit you? When my brothers left home, I wished I could leave as well, but I was only 12. The fact that my brothers got away from our virtually impossible to live with mom, it gave me hope that one day I would leave as well, which I did at age 15.

I suspect your brother will understand how you’re feeling, and may benefit from your example - setting yourself free from a bad situation.

Do you feel like cutting your mom off forever and ever, or just long enough so that you can face her with confidence and emotional strength? I stayed away from my mom for about a year and a half. When I came back for a visit, I was strong enough to resist her emotional blackmail. At that point, although she was still crazy and trying to manipulate, and after leaving every time she got pushy, she started to lighten up.

Perhaps at some point, when you’ve established your boundaries with her, and demonstrated that you are serious about it, you can again hang with your brother and dad.

In the meantime, maybe you can talk on the phone, or meet somewhere.

Wishing you the best, Wings

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From: ManekiNeko

it’s hard having those dynamics of trying to find balance with keeping relationship with some family members and having to remove the toxic parts from some others. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves and allow ourselves to move past and away from the people who are causing this hurt.

I can see you really love your brother and father and want them to be happy and have healthy relationships around them. Perhaps while this is going to be fresh for you, you could ask them to maybe not mentioned your mother to you and ask them to please not being you up to her. If she asks about you or talks about you maybe they can say “we want to respect everyone’s privacy and safety” and change the subject.
I know that sometimes it can also hurt to see people we love having relationships with those we break from or who have hurt us, so I do also hope that you can find the support you need to talk about that.

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Hello Nicole,

Thank you for trusting us to support you through this rough time. I can understand how this can be rough on you and your dad. Would it be helpful to have a conversation with him, maybe ask him for a time so it can be just you and him talking through everything? I do believe that it is helpful for you to step back, take time to heal, and breathe. I have read some of your previous posts and you have been going through them lately.

Boundaries are important and healthy. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Thank you for being a part of this world. You are valid. You are strong. You are important. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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Hey there @nicole_kaley,

It sounds like you are going through so much, and I can’t imagine all the challenging emotions associated with cutting off your mom, and all that your mom has done to lead you to this decision.

With that said, while I understand where your guilt is coming from, please remember that it is okay to prioritize your needs. Once you feel that you are in a healthier place, then you may also be able to help others and rebuild any connections that feel damaged due to this change.

I also want to take a moment to admire how kind it is for you to show concern for your father and brother, while you are personally going through so much – this alone shows that you have such a large heart and are a great person.

I have faith in you and know that you are capable of handling this incredibly difficult situation. You are loved and cared for, and we’ll always be here for you if you wish to post any updates on the situation.

<3 Tuna

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Hey Nicole_Kaley,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but no, you are not a terrible person. By any means. You need to take care of yourself, which will allow you to then give your extra energy/efforts to others. If may be painful, but if you have found that what you need to be a healthier person is to stop having contact with your mom, then that is what you need. It is hard, but it doesn’t make you a bed person.

I feel like you can still have a relationship with your brother and father, if you clearly let them know what your boundaries are with your mother. You can ask them not to relay information to her, and that they don’t tell you information back. And see how they feel about that, and what works for them, and their relationship with her. I’d say, just be as honest and open as you can. Find what works for everyone, and move from there.

Thank you for sharing this. I truly hope things become easier for you, friend.

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From: twixremix

hi nicole,

thank you for being here and sharing what’s on your heart and mind. it’s understandable that you need 0 contact whatsoever from your mom, which unfortunately means closing most contact with your dad and brother as well. are you able to call them when they know she’s not home? that’s personally how i’ve been able to talk the most openly with my mom and brother, knowing my dad isn’t home. it’s a tough position, i know it and live it as well, my friend. i wonder if this distance you’re putting between your dad and brother will help emphasize how your mom has affected you? i really hope for the best for you, your dad, and your brother.

you’re far from a terrible person, nicole. you’re protecting yourself which should always be a priority - how can we protect or help others when we aren’t taking care of ourselves first, yaknow? please keep your heartsupport community updated on how you’re doing when or if you can. i understand you and will have you in my thoughts as you cut your mom off officially. you know what’s best for you, trust your gut and know that you’re loved and supported.

love,
twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, it all sounds very difficult indeed, family issues are always very complicated and stressful, you never know what to do for the best. The decision that you wan to cut your mum off is yours freely to make and that is fine, you are free to make that choice, however of course any decision like that tends to put others in an awkward postion and sometimes we have to make allowences for that. I would encourage you to speak to your Dad and brother, express your concerns and ask them what they think they can do that will enable them to keep in touch with you and not upset the relationship they have if its a good one with your mother. Better still if your Dad could be a go between and help to work out the relationship between you and your mum that would be even better, however I dont know what has gone on so it is not for me to say if it is something that you would want. Life is very short it would be ideal to have your family and happiness but if you cant have both then choose happiness. I wish you well. Much Love Lisa. xx

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From: Rohini_868

nicole_kaley, I wantto say this very loudly and very clearly:
You must never ever feel Guilty for putitng your emotional and mental well-being first. I am so dang proud of you for how brave you have been to take steps to cut your mother off. This guilt you are feeling is misplaced. You are not abandoning your dad and brother. You are creating a safe space for yourself to exist, and there is literally no better thing in the world that being safe, feeling safe.

You need this distance to heal, to be at peace, to catch your breath. You are setting up boundaries and I loudly applaud you for that. Your dad and brother now have to make their own choices - they have to learn to respect your boundaries. Not pass on information to your mother, not share details about your life, etc. They don’t have to “choose” between you and her. You’re asking them to understand that you need this to survive, to have a chance at being happier and to feel better.

So set boundaries with them - contacting you but not when your mother is present, not sharing info with her that you did not consent to, not talking about her or sharing her info with you unless you inquire or ask. Create your safe space. It’s up to them to choose to respect those boundaries or not. Keep being brave, work on getting all the essentials done for your new place. And I hope it all goes well. You matter.

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From: Mamadien

nicole, I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place of needing to cut your relationship with your mom, but I understand it. That this interferes with your relationship with your dad and brother stinks. It’s hard to lose the closeness of those relationships for the sake of your own mental health because your mom uses them to get to you. Have you been able to explain to your dad why you are stepping away from relationship with him? Does he understand or is he hoping to help fix the situation with your mom? If your dad isn’t understanding of what you need and keeping a distance from mom, then you may need to step away from him as well. I’m sorry, that sounds painful and yet healing at the same time. Perhaps one day you can have a closer relationship with your dad and brother again. I wish you well in doing what you need to do to gain peace and health.

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