Hey Alex,
It sounds like you are doing a lot already. You know, just battling with depression on daily basis is a major thing to deal with, one that takes a lot of strength and energy out of someone. It sounds like you are supporting your parents the best you can.
Where you see weakness or failure, someone else might see strength and feel inspired. I understand though that it feels like being stuck, especially when it seems that where you’re at in life in the present moment is far from where you wish you could be. As you describe, it’s easy to get lost into thinking about how life could have been if we made different choices. We imagine all these scenarios where life would be simply better and in which we would feel whole - at the opposite of how it feels in the actual reality. Although these thoughts can help identify the things you would aspire to change in your life, they can certainly hurt so freaking much. It makes sense to feel regrets, it makes sense to wish for something different. It is also profoundly human.
For what it’s worth, I went to university and have two master degrees, and… regardless of this I am struggling with depression and complex ptsd, which usually makes me see - and feel - as if my life is both blank and stressful. And in college, you are usually taught to learn and memorize, but not to think or feel by yourself. I personally had to realize that this world was a very small word in itself, and that it wasn’t for me. There is a flavor of humanity that is removed from the benches of university, and somehow it’s just another experience in life. Like having a specific job, following a specific hobby, advocating for something… it’s things we accomplish, territories we explore, little goals we set for ourselves. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t say much about who we are inside, how we love others or how we exist in this world.
I know it’s easy to say to someone who did take this route that higher education is not really significant in the end. Still, speaking from this experience, I can assure you that no amount of diplomas (or absence of) will define who you are, or the possibility to meet someone who will love you - and I mean, genuinely love you. Not for your accomplishments or your resume, not for how much knowledge you have - but for being you.
You may not see it right now, but you are so valuable my friend, and you have so much more worth than any degree could ever replace or condition. You matter because you are you. Because you have a unique story to share, because you have your way to see the world, because you have passions, maybe dreams, and a unique personality.
I hope you can reach a place of closure and grieving these regrets, my friend. The opportunities lost or missed don’t define you. They never will. 