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Feel like i dont deserve to be alive


#1

the worst part is that my life doesn’t suck. that i know its getting better - im making friends at school, i have an s.o. who supports me through everything, my relationship with my parents is getting better, im finally on depression meds, and im going to therapy and shes really good. and i know when i wake up tomorrow ill look back on this post and think wow i was having a bad night. but right now i feel like everything sucks. i feel like a burden financially to my parents with all my medical bills and going to college. i feel like a burden to the people around me because im depressed. i know deep down i don’t actually want to die or relapse but i can’t help thinking of it. i even feel guilty for reaching out here. im hoping this is a bump in the road but im scared im going to fall into an abyss instead of a puddle. i want help but i want to cut everyone off and go back there and it feels terrible. i feel terrible.

current soundtrack: hide and seek by imogen heap, borderline by tove styrke


#2

Hey Sophic!
Thank you for sharing with us, I’m glad you feel you can trust us. Have your parents said anything about not being able to handle your medical bills? Maybe if you feel bad, you can speak to them and see if there’s anything you can do to make up for it until you’re earning money? The fact you recognise that you have all these things is amazing. Keep looking back at all those good things and use the people you have around you. We may not speak much, but, you always make me laugh when I see you in streams, so keep fighting and keep coming back because we love you.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#3

@sophicspider

Hey, thank you so much for sharing this. I think that it’s easy to see that a person (or see yourself) is doing better and think that they’re just going to be good and okay and better from now on, and that is completely not the case. Healing and recovery is not a straight line, it’s not a smooth road, and it’s not an easy journey. It looks a bit different for everyone. Just because you life is good,and your doing everything you can for your health, and the people around you care for you and love you that doesn’t mean that you aren’t depressed or aren’t anxious or that you have to be okay all the time.
It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to have bad nights, it’s okay to feel down and to want to turn back to your old coping mechanisms, it’s just not okay to stay in that valley and not let people in. And I think you’re doing such an amazing job of striving to take care of yourself. You are so strong, you’re strong for even just reaching out to this community on a night when things seem bad. I hope that you wake up this morning feeling better, knowing it’s a new day and things are always brighter in the morning.
Thank you so much for sharing this, really.
Hold fast,
Hannah Prelsey