Deep breath. I’ve decided to finally make my first post. Today is a better day even if fighting the demons. Some days I can’t even get out of bed but due to social constraints such as work, I manage to push through, sometimes going into an auto pilot. Sometimes I don’t even recall periods of time during this.
Recently I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’ll start with being the sole income of the house and while bills aren’t a concern my job security is rocky which causes panic. I’ve been actively looking for something better but keep getting passed. Even had one guy laugh at me after agreeing I was perfect for the job, experienced but pay rate was an issue. I don’t mind a cut but damn.
I was working with my family to be granted guardianship over my niece. My sister had messed up again and landed in jail. I wanted to protect and provide opportunities for her as she’s always gotten the short end of the stick. They were going to help me get a bigger place. I went through mental progression as I never felt like having a child to being excited about raising her. Only to be told to pretty much fuck off by my family. That she’s fine… even when she’s said she wants to come home and be with us. Which breaks my heart.
Not sure if stress induced but I keep having night terrors. Reliving horrible moments in my life. The abuse ones I can deal with. The rape one eh. But reliving chemo and surgeries… I can feel the blade sometimes. It feels like I’m trapped and can’t wake up. They are the most terrifying.
Than theirs quiet moments like now that aren’t so quiet. Voices nagging in the back of my mind. But their getting more distinctive. To be honest I never thought much of it until reflecting. The feelings of being worthless, a waste, fat, ugly, disgusting, lazy, is a daily battle. I haven’t felt the need to physically self harm in awhile until now. I just want the pain to stop. I know that’s not the best way, but it has helped and it’s hard not to relapse.
My husband, friends and family mean well… well kind of. My husband didn’t understand depression and passed my feelings off as invalid for the longest time until a year or so ago. Just get over it. He tries now though but I don’t think he knows how. Friends don’t understand but that might be because I no longer open up in fear of rejection or burden. Thry have they’re own stuff going on. People hear a part of my story and tend to run. Family is toxic, I realize this but find it hard to cut ties.
I’m not sure what I expect in reply. I was told sometimes it helps to have outside eyes. But it’s nice to finally let some of this out. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing and I hope that sharing on here helped and provided a little relief We are here to listen whenever you need to let it out. You are carrying a lot of burdens but I’m glad that today was a better day for you. I also used to get night terrors almost every night and it made getting through the days that were already hard even harder because I never got rest and was scared of going to bed. I was able to experience relief after therapy and working through the build up of pain and confusion so I share that to let you know that they will pass. Hang in there and please reach out whenever you need or want to
Hey there and welcome to our community @Silentxsiren! I am so grateful that you are here my friend. Thank you for taking the time to open up and share your story. It breaks my heart to hear about the pain and suffering you have been dealing with. I truly do hope that opening up here has helped in some small way. When family and friends just don’t get it or aren’t able to help, it’s incredibly nice to know that there is a community here of friends who want to listen and who want the best for you!
I am so sorry to hear about the issues in your family and not feeling supported. Not having healthy family support can make going through brutal times even more painful. Also, I’m sorry that you have been having night terrors. It sounds like you have so much on your heart and mind. What has helped you in the past when dealing with night terrors? Has there been anything that helped alleviate these thoughts?
It sounds like you are trying hard to work with your husband to help him to understand the depth of your pain. I, too, am married and there have been so many challenges that my pain, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts have brought upon our relationship. My wife is a very strong person and she has helped me a lot to deal with my darkness but it’s still hard and on the bad days, I feel like I don’t want to go on. While I am not in your shoes, I want you to know that you are not alone, no matter what.
I wish I had better advice to help with the family issues or night terrors. Have you gone to a professional counselor for these things? Just as much as opening up here can help, it might also be good to speak to someone alone or with your husband. Just a thought.
Please reach out if you need anything. We truly care about you and love you and are here to help. You are an amazing and strong person just as you are. God loves you no matter what you are going through and so do we. Stay strong my friend!
It’s perfectly normal to feel stressed even though paying your bills isn’t a huge concern. You deserve a secure job where you don’t have to worry about if you’ll be working there in the next month or even the next week.
It sounds like your family has had plenty of ups and downs, and I definitely understand what that feels like. And it sucks. Especially when there is a child involved and her needs aren’t being heard. I hope they are able to respect what she wants in time.
One thing I’ve learned from being in this community is it’s important to catch lies when you say them. Saying you’re worthless, a waste, fat, ugly, disgusting, and lazy may help you articulate how you feel, but the more you say it the more you will start to believe it. And those things are absolute lies. You are not worthless,ugly or any of those things. And if you have trouble connecting with other people in terms of your depression/anxiety and stress, you came to the right place. We understand what you are going through and we want the best for you. You are completely and unconditionally loved, friend. Also, congratulations on posting! I know it’s hard to put yourself out there on such sensitive topics, so I’m proud of you for doing that.
Hang in there, friend
Do you mind sharing how you’ve worked through them? Or methods? Therapy isn’t an option at the moment. Thank you for your kind words. I don’t understand why things close to 15-10 years ago are popping up now.
Thank you. I will work on trying to catch the lies and maybe find a better way to word the feelings so it doesn’t become me.
yes it has been hard to put myself out there. Guess I need to work on this as well.
Of course! I will try my best… one thing was learning to quiet my mind before bed with meditation and things to help that just calmed me down. It started as a very long process and got easier as I practiced. That was just to put my mind in a more calm state before starting sleep and it helped.
Another big thing that helped was talking through incidents at therapy and really just spending a long time hashing out the emotions surrounding incidents. It seems like a small thing but it made me realize that I hadn’t actually opened up or processed a lot of difficult events in my life. Along those lines I started practicing art again which was another tool that basically got me to feel and think through all my difficult thoughts.
I’m sure that things that are helpful for me may not be as helpful for everyone but the underlying theme was needing to fully express and explore all the hurtful things in my life. It took awhile and practice to see relief but it really is so much better now and happens occasionally but not constantly.
I hope that you can find tools that help you out and give you some relief soon. There are so many different options that help people and it can take time to find what is most helpful but you will find peace!