Deep breath. I’ve decided to finally make my first post. Today is a better day even if fighting the demons. Some days I can’t even get out of bed but due to social constraints such as work, I manage to push through, sometimes going into an auto pilot. Sometimes I don’t even recall periods of time during this.
Recently I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’ll start with being the sole income of the house and while bills aren’t a concern my job security is rocky which causes panic. I’ve been actively looking for something better but keep getting passed. Even had one guy laugh at me after agreeing I was perfect for the job, experienced but pay rate was an issue. I don’t mind a cut but damn.
I was working with my family to be granted guardianship over my niece. My sister had messed up again and landed in jail. I wanted to protect and provide opportunities for her as she’s always gotten the short end of the stick. They were going to help me get a bigger place. I went through mental progression as I never felt like having a child to being excited about raising her. Only to be told to pretty much fuck off by my family. That she’s fine… even when she’s said she wants to come home and be with us. Which breaks my heart.
Not sure if stress induced but I keep having night terrors. Reliving horrible moments in my life. The abuse ones I can deal with. The rape one eh. But reliving chemo and surgeries… I can feel the blade sometimes. It feels like I’m trapped and can’t wake up. They are the most terrifying.
Than theirs quiet moments like now that aren’t so quiet. Voices nagging in the back of my mind. But their getting more distinctive. To be honest I never thought much of it until reflecting. The feelings of being worthless, a waste, fat, ugly, disgusting, lazy, is a daily battle. I haven’t felt the need to physically self harm in awhile until now. I just want the pain to stop. I know that’s not the best way, but it has helped and it’s hard not to relapse.
My husband, friends and family mean well… well kind of. My husband didn’t understand depression and passed my feelings off as invalid for the longest time until a year or so ago. Just get over it. He tries now though but I don’t think he knows how. Friends don’t understand but that might be because I no longer open up in fear of rejection or burden. Thry have they’re own stuff going on. People hear a part of my story and tend to run. Family is toxic, I realize this but find it hard to cut ties.
I’m not sure what I expect in reply. I was told sometimes it helps to have outside eyes. But it’s nice to finally let some of this out. Thank you.