Hi… I am really new to doing anything of this sort, and opening up about my feelings usually isn’t on my agenda. I’m only 16, but lately I have been losing motivation for the things I once loved. My family and friends-as time continues- seem to grow more and more distant, and instead of feeling appreciated, I feel ignored and like a disappointment. My mother and father are very direct with what they intend for my future… and sometimes, it feels like the direction I am headed for is the opposite of what they want. I am still young, and I want to be able to experience my life with the teenage years I have left, but I feel constantly pushed with different responsibilities. Sometimes, I feel like my identity has been taken from me. I was the straight A student, the singer, the athlete. My grades have slipped, my youngest sister has taken up singing, with numerous concerts and accomplishments, and my middle sister recently took up volleyball, the sport that was my sacred space. I feel like aspects of myself have been lost, and I hate not having something of my own. The future scares me. A lot. I have constant anxiety attacks, sometimes to the point where I feel like I am suffocating, and I have to hide it all. My family seems to view any mental illness as a cover up. An excuse. And on top of this, my self-esteem has plummeted. I feel self-conscious almost everyday, and it was often at school, but now it is around the ones I love. I do not want the to judge me. I do not want to be the disappointment child. It really breaks me sometimes. I just wanted a space to write these thoughts.
I feel your pain my friend. When I was 16 I went through some hard ass shit in my life. My dream is to play in a metal music band and make a band my career. I became successful now in a band by joining a music program by playing in bands and meeting new musicians. It took me a long time to find the right band. Im 22 years old now. But the point im making here is whatever you wanna be dont give up on your dreams. Its important to follow your dreams. Hang in there buddy i feel your pain.
Hi @juliarose (what a nice nickname ),
Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it can really be difficult to open up, especially if you’re not used to, but you succeeded.
Regarding the pressure your parents put on your shoulders, it may be linked to the fact that you come to an age when they start to think about when you’re going to take your independence, and it’s possible that it makes them a bit anxious too. Nevertheless, it’s important for you to be listened and heard because the feelings you’re describing are not nothing. You matter. Have you had the opportunity to talk to them openly? To tell them what is worrying you and what’s hurting you with their attitude?
I myself have a brother and a sister and it also happened to me, like for you, to have this feeling of being pushed off things for which I had pleasure, because they started to do the same thing and, worse, they were better at it. It feels like someone is invading your sacred space, as you name it. Also, it’s sometimes difficult not to compare yourself to your siblings, especially if they succeed in accomplishing things while you’re feeling that you’re unable to move forward.
But I would like to suggest that comparing yourself to your sister or to anyone else will rarely bring you something positive. Most of the time, we compare ourselves to others for the wrong reasons and it becomes more of a way for us to hurt ourselves. The fact that she does the same thing as you doesn’t mean what you care about is not yours anymore. And, who knows, maybe you’re actually a role model for her so she try to follow your own steps?
You can try to see things from another perspective: does the fact that someone you don’t know also play music or volleyball would be a concern? I’m pretty sure the answer may be no. It’s therefore not necessary to have a different answer for your relatives. They live their lives, and you live yours. Later, in 5, 10 years, you will lead different lives or you will share common passions. Because it can also be an occasion for you and your siblings to share something new. What’s important is that you pursue your hobbies if you enjoy them, no matter what, no matter who. There is no competition between you and your sister, and if she or your parents think that it’s the case, then this idea that would disappear sooner or later.
Also, I’d like to emphasize the fact that being scared of the future is absolutely normal. This feeling will sometimes appear in your life because we always have some worries for what is unknown to us. So you can’t predict the future, but you can try to put in place the conditions you need in order to improve what is wrong right now and to take care of you. To put the odds on your side to achieve your personal goals. And if you have no goals for the moment, it doesn’t matter. Because you’re right, you are young and you still have time to think about your future. In fact, it’s rare to do everything you want and to go through a straight path. There are often unforeseen events, but that doesn’t matter. It’s part of life and that’s what makes it so rewarding.
So maybe this is something you can try to explain to your parents. So they can understand that it’s something that’s actually bothering you, that you already thought about it but you don’t need them to put that pressure on you right now. Do they know about your anxiety? Because for the moment you need to feel loved and supported.
Finally, you said you needed a space to write your thoughts. Of course, you can do it here when you want and we’ll be glad to read you. But also to get some support IRL, with a physical medium, have you ever tried to have a personal notebook near you?
You’re wonderful as you are. Take care.