Hi, i finally go to terapy and is amazing.
But i just don’t feel okay, i been feeling really anxious, sad, worried and scared, those negative emotions, i just want to turn off my mind but i can’t, just want to feel okay.
I feel like i’m not doing my best, like i’m not getting better, like someway i’m not better and i just want anything to stop, i hate that pain and hate inside of me, i just wanna thing in a positive way…
I want to hurt me, i feel desesperate because i can’t love myself yet and i want to…
But seeing other girls better than me and trying to not look bad is driving me crazy…
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Hey @Impala67,
Congrats for going on therapy! I’m so glad to hear that you finally had an opportunity to try it. AND to hear that’s it’s going well. What a powerful decision. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Unfortunately, even if this is new and can bring a lot of hope, you’ll also have to be patient with yourself during this journey. The more you’ll receive the help you need, the more you’re likely to feel lost or to deal with difficult emotions. But in the end, you’ll find more clarity through this process. Because you’ll learn to know yourself better. You’ll learn ways to work on how you perceive yourself, ways to cope with difficult emotions and thoughts. You’ll equip yourself more and more to face those emotions in a way that will be safe and healthy.
Healing is not a race, friend. I know it’s frustrating though. Believe me, I’d give anything to be the person I want to be instantly, but also just to feel better. Not tomorrow, but now. It feels like an urge sometimes, something vital because the pain is very real. But we have to give ourselves some grace through this journey. You know, you’re not less a person because you’re struggling or because you don’t feel okay. You’re not less a person because you don’t know how to love yourself yet. It’s a process, it takes time, a bit of faith too.
The other girls are not “better” than you. They’re also humans, with their own struggles and pain. When you feel in pain while you see them, you compare the depth of your soul to their own surface, which is not fair to you. There is a bias in the way you perceive them and yourself, and it can be very destructive if you start to compare them to you.
I want to encourage you to give yourself some credit. You’re stronger than you think. See, you’re going on therapy, which is not easy because it pushes you to face things that can make you uncomfortable. It’s not easy to say “I’m not okay/I need help” in a world where we are constantly pressured to be the best version of ourselves - or at least, to keep up good appearances. I believe it takes strength to do what’s needed to receive the help you deserve. And it takes strength to be vulnerable as you’re doing here. Who knows if the girls you compare yourself with aren’t reaching out privately, just like you do, when they feel very low? Who knows what’s behind a smile that anyone can see, unless you really know the person and actually ask “how are you”?
Be patient with yourself, friend. Keep in mind that it’s okay not to be okay, not to have all the answers, not to be yet the version of yourself that you aspire to be. Your heart needs a lot of kindness right now, and you don’t deserve any harm. 
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