It’s hard to put into words how I feel, but I’ll just break it down I guess. Sorry for the word wall. It’s been a while since I’ve posted here.
I have a private Twitter account that I use as just a venting place and place to put get my thoughts out that I wouldn’t feel comfortable posting publicly. It’s easier for me to do so since I have my phone on me more often than I do my journal. I have a friend (not sure if I can call them that still) who followed it that I trusted to be there. Keep in mind, it’s everywhere on that account that it’s a place for me to vent and nobody is required to be there.
I’ve had a really rough few months. In that time frame, my parents got divorced, I had an absolutely awful and chaotic move to a new city 45-minutes away, and I have a full-time job while being a full-time college student. Recently, I had a pretty intense breakdown (my first in years, by the way) and, using my private space I created for myself, wrote out my thoughts and feelings in a thread. There was a content warning and everything, this person KNOWS that I have a history with depressive episodes, and they know the type of account it is. The morning after I posted my thread, I got a message from them pretty much forcing me out of our friend group.
The way they worded it was a thinly veiled “I care about you and you should take care of yourself” message but really it read more like a “you’re too much and you need to leave, and I’m not giving you a choice” kind of message. The next day, I found myself kicked from the group chats, unfollowed everywhere, removed from our D&D game, and even unmodded in their Twitch channel. To me, this feels like they just dropped me and cut me out because I was experiencing an intense low-point of my life. I was using my own safe, private space and they took my thoughts, COMPLETELY unrelated to them and had nothing to do with them, and used it as a reason to remove me from everything. They knew what I used the account for, they knew my history, and they just up and left like that. It almost feels like they were just waiting for a reason to get rid of me and my breakdown was a perfect opportunity to do so. The fact that they were so quick and thorough in clearing me out of everything really hurts me deeply. I’ve been to this persons house. I’m friends with their partner. I’ve cooked and cleaned for them. I’ve financially supported them. But I just get dropped at the sight of a bad mental health episode, from someone who claims to support and advocate for mental health and mental health care. They did this to a community member before when I was a moderator as well, and they still talk about them. I can’t help but feel like that’s my same fate and now my name’s being tainted. Messages from others in the group feel like they’d rather be doing anything else than talking to me. All this because I had a rough moment in time.
I feel betrayed, but I almost feel bad and stupid for feeling so. Maybe I should’ve just kept my thoughts to myself. My vulnerability, in my own private space, was essentially weaponized against me, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I shouldn’t feel the way I do. It’s confusing. Maybe I’m just thinking too deep into it and overanalyzing every little thing. I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking for validation if anything, because I can’t really get past it. I’m stuck and unsure how to move forward.
