Hey @tsc102,
I hear you. There’s a lot going on in your mind right now and I want you to know that someone out there truly cares, even if it’s just a random stranger on the internet.
How you feel right now, the way you describe your emotions, is very honest and understandable. For what it’s worth, I can assure you that you are not alone feeling that way, even if is very isolating to deal with such intense emotions. There are so many things in your message that I personally relate to, and I know that there are many people in this community - and beyond it - who feel the same way as you do.
Unfortunately, sometimes the way we perceive ourselves is so strong that it makes us want to give up entirely. What’s the point if we’re just broken, right? What’s the point if we keep meeting people who make us feel worthless? What’s the point if we can’t feel like we belong despite our efforts and our willingness to try? Those are some very painful thoughts, and my heart goes out to you friend.
But first off, let’s just take a few minutes to give yourself some credit. See this post? You’ve shared what’s on your heart DESPITE this intense feeling of being nothing, of being beyond hope. Reaching out and allowing yourself to be vulnerable as you just did here is a freaking strong thing to do, especially in a world like the one we’re living in. This is a step to be proud of. And, hopefully, you just opened a door to a community that will help you to challenge those thoughts, to break down the lies that are making you feel like you’d be nothing. Because you are not nothing. You are not broken beyond repair. You’re a human being who’s hurting right now, and that makes a huge, huge difference. Sometimes the way we feel is so strong that we see it as being true. But our conclusions are not always fair, right or true. Reaching out as you just did here is a way to challenge those, to seek different perspectives. You are among friends right here. An online family who genuinely cares.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just feel ok.
Well, you mentioned later in your message having to deal with bipolar, anxiety and ptsd. Just that alone can make our life a living nightmare. So there are circumstances that, probably, play a huge role in the way you perceive yourself right now. It’s not necessarily a “you” problem. Like you not being good enough or not trying enough. It’s just that those things are, objectively, hard to deal with. It takes time to heal from ptsd, it takes time to learn to live with anxiety and bipolar, overall just to find the right balance in your life. Those are important elements to take in account when you start to judge yourself.
I feel like I’m taking up space and I don’t want to be here anymore because honestly what the hell is the point .
That’s such a painful feeling. I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, friend. So many times I feel and felt like a waste of space. Like the air that I breathe could benefit to someone else, somebody who’d be so much more worth it than I am. It’s just how much it sucks when we feel like we’re too much or not good enough, or all at once. It’s like we can’t fit anywhere and our efforts are worthless because we believe that we are doomed to be worthless for the rest of our life. With that logic, it’s normal to feel defeated sometimes, to be willing to give up.
You are not taking too much space though. It’s how you feel. It’s even how others made you feel about yourself. But that doesn’t mean it’s true. And it’s so, so important to allow yourself to question this thought regarding your worth, every time it strikes you in such a violent way. You are not worthless. You are not a burden. But it takes time to learn to see it and embrace it. It’s a process in itself, and it’s okay to give yourself the time you need to get there.
My therapist can’t help me .
May I ask what makes you say that?
You know, this statement can be very beneficial for you, actually, because it allows you to make a decision, such as looking after a different therapist (or therapy, or both). Sometimes our therapist is just not the right one. Or the approach they provide is not one that could be helpful for us. That doesn’t mean we can’t be helped. Only that it’s a matter of finding what works for us, which may take some time to be found. As for a physical illness, sometimes we need to try different medications before finding the treatment that has a positive effect on our body. Just because our physicality is not the same as someone else’s. The same logic applies to our mental health.
My family only cares that I’m here because of what I can do for them but I think if emotions didn’t come into play they wouldn’t care if I was here .
It sucks to feel like your family cares only because you’d be “useful” somehow. I’ve been there too with my own family. Holding the role of the healer/listener, the person who make sure everyone is okay, you know? But once I needed help, there was no one. It really was a hard pill to swallow and I now struggle with relying on myself a little bit too much. It gets hard to reach out, hard to trust others. But it’s still possible. Once we meet people who truly care, who truly respect us, things become very different.
I know it might sound like it’s fake or not very real because it’s online, but you have people who truly care right here and right now. You have a place right here where you can be you, without any filter, without any need to gain the trust or love of others. You have it. Because you are here, because you are and not because of anything you would say or do. This probably sounds like a lie or a very cheesy statement, but i hope you’ll give yourself the time you need to experience it and see that truth reflected on you. And if not with people who share your life right now, at least with us in this community.
I hate everything about me and the way people treat me confirms they feel that way about me too.
Yea, it’s really painful when we already feel insecure about ourselves… and people’s behavior just seem to validate what we already thought. I think this is part of the lies we tell ourselves though. A little bit like wearing a certain type of glasses that will make us perceive the world in a specific way. I bet you already experienced this feeling of being suddenly aware of something because it seems to occur a little more. It makes it more present, even overwhelming sometimes. Does that mean it is more present though? No. It’s just that our perspective changed, and for a short time we developed some kind of tunnel vision. We see things in a specific way, which deletes the possibility to see any other different perspective.
In other words: if we don’t love ourselves, if we feel insecure, we will generally find a way to see in others behavior the validation of those feelings. That doesn’t mean people are not, objectively, behaving in a wrong way. But it’s important to try to distinguish what is about them and what is about you. If someone treats you in a wrong way, it’s not because of you. It’s because of their own insecurities, or story, or emotions, or whatever. But their behavior is the product of them, not you. More often than never, people who hurt others are hurting as well. They just don’t internalize it or turn it against themselves… but others. It’s not your fault, really. The way someone treats someone else if the reflection of their own heart exclusively.
I just want someone to make me not want to completely give up . I don’t think this person will ever exist for me in real life .
You matter. And I promise you, this place is made of real people with real hearts. No one would benefit from telling you that you matter, unless it’s said because of a genuine care for you and your well-being. You are important, friend. No one here would want you to give up. You are not alone, even if it’s very lonely to feel all of this. But through our emotions, through our struggles, we can create meaningful connections sometimes. That’s what this place is for, and I believe that’s why you are here.
I know I shouldn’t rely on someone to make me feel better but I need that because I can’t do it myself.
We all need a bit of both. It’s only human. But good for you to be aware that the hard work also has to be done by you. It’s very wise and mature. It’s a long journey to love ourselves though. And in the meantime, it’s okay to rely on others - but not exclusively - to remind ourselves that we are worth the efforts it takes to work on ourselves. We need others to learn too. That’s okay.
I already have a plan .
I would like to invite you to share your plan here. A first step in breaking down those thoughts is to let others know and create a safety plan in case of emergency. This is something you could try to work on with your therapist (or a different one), but it’s also something you can reflect on, right here. This plan doesn’t have to be executed. Nothing is written already, even if it probably feels like you are more and more attracted by what seems like a valid option. Disappearing is not a solution though. It’s really not. You belong, friend. Even if you don’t believe it right now, and even if people didn’t tell you that enough. You belong. You matter.
I think about it often and I feel bad knowing how much it will hurt her . How sad it will make my sisters . But I know that in time they will be fine. They will forget about me and move on with their lives and be happy not having to deal with me .
No, this is a lie. But I hear you. When I’m at the end of my rope, I think about the people I would make sad because of my own disappearance… and then I just start to convince myself that they’ll get over it anyway. But I also know how grief feels. And as you mentioned your sisters, I can tell you that I know how it feels to grieve a sibling. It is a pain that I will keep carrying for the rest of my life. No one will replace the person I lost. And now I have to hold the love I have for them only by myself. It is devastating. No one just move on with their lives once they lost someone, and especially not in such a violent and sudden way.
I wish I could do it right now.
I’m very, very proud of you for choosing to talk here instead of doing it.
You are loved, so much. Don’t give up on yourself, friend. There is more to see and more to live than how you feel right now. There really is. You are not broken. You are not made to be fixed either. You are not beyond hope. Now is the time to start breaking down those lies, piece by piece, step by step. 