Feeling broken

Here’s the realness (tia to whoever takes the time to read this) My life is in utter shambles. I lost my father back in April, my hero. The one who always made it a point to be the strongest of our family, letting us all know it would be ok. I just wish I could hear those words again. It hasn’t been easy. I’m watching my mother, slowly diminish. She was my father’s caregiver for 30 years, after he sustained a spinal cord injury that left him wheel chair bound for those 30 years. She never left him. Never even cringed at the thought of her life being dedicated to caring for someone else around the clock. He died the day after their 50th anniversary. She’s my rock. And she’s slowly dying of heartache with no interest to do anything or see anyone and drinking. It kills me because - My dad never gave up - he provided for our family by going back to work, continued to be an avid fisherman and instilled in us life’s most valuable and precious lessons. He questioned his existence up until 9/11. Then it made sense. He buried his son and his little sister after that horrific day. His loss brings such heavy - And I’m trying to escape. Since his passing, we’ve lost 2 other extended family members. On top of the immediate aspect of things - my father in law is not well, having been diagnosed with liver and kidney cancer. My husband’s brother recently relapsed on heroin after 3 years clean. My brother Brendan that died in 9/11 - his best friend’s son took his own life a couple of months ago. My daughter is seeing a professional for an emotional issue that could possibly be genetic (inherited from me as IED) And my husband is having cardiac issues. I’m overwhelmed. I’m going to be real with you all… I am damn good at ‘faking it until you make it’. Especially because I’m a mother to 4. I am a woman of Faith, but still; here I am trying to claw and climb my way out of the trenches. I have a past with addiction and self medicating… I am staying away from those ways and falling back into to them bc I know I have children who depend one me… who need me. They are my world. But I can’t shake the sadness and the grief… maybe I shouldn’t? I just felt that I should lean on such an amazing community of people’s that I am always praising.

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Hi, @SteadfastShay . I’m new here and have read a few posts. Obviously I came on here because I have issues of my own, but reading yours truly breaks my heart and my problems feel pathetic compared to yours. I dont have answers and I’m not gifted in wisdom to offer advice either, but I just wanted to let you know that you seem like a lovely person and you sound like someone I would love to have in my life…because you are so strong for fighting and voicing your weaknesses. To me you seem like someone with a lot of fortitude: (the strength of ones own mind to overcome obstacles in life)
And whether that is true or not, at the very least, your desire to fight through it is aspiring to me. As someone who consistently has thoughts on relapsing as well and as someone who sees you as a loving, strong, and deserving lady…I am rooting for you. I’m rooting for you to fight through this for your kids and yourself. I’m rooting that someone wiser than me will come along with advice to make the obstacles, that much more bearable.
In rooting for you @SteadfastShay
My condolences, linda.

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Linda -

I’m so happy you found this community. Please don’t ever feel that what you’re going through is petty compared to someone else’s heavy. Thank you for the encouragement.

All of my love,
Shay

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I’m deeply heart broken to hear everything you are and have endured.

I wish there was a magic word I could say to make this tragedy go away. I’m grateful you arent medicating that you see your children as strength and motivation to keep pushing forward.

Do your best to break the day down 5 mins at a time if you have to. Sadly nothing can undo the past. Hang on to the positive loving memories of the ones you lost. Cherish everyday with your children. Write in a gratitude journal everyday before bed the things that each day you have thanks for. Have a good cry. Scream into a pillow… come here and share with us as much as you need.

You have been in a war zone and need some TLC let us help you let us be your medicine your stone to lean on. My hear breaks for you. But I’m also in awe of your strength. Keep fighting everyday … step by step you’ll make it out of the dark and see the light again.

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