Feeling constant of deleting myself

I grew up in a family where emotions are rarely expressed, so I ended up with unable to handle my emotions.
when I’m upset, sad, annoyed. I’m just quiet about it or maybe talking to everyone in high tone.
Since beginning in my childhood I know my fam is a hardworking. and my mum kept telling me that I liked to procrastinate everything.
I was told when I’m graduate high school, I have to support myself while study in college. while I always have desire to go to college in aboard and just focus with my life there. study what you like, hanging out with friends when weekend, go to cafe, go to library, enjoyed live alone and simply enjoyed my life there without any worries.
So I did what I was told I have full time job and go to school at night.

And these past years
I don’t want to do things, I kept delayed my job. I don’t want to study or even do my homework
I know I don’t have much time to study but whenever I have time I spend myself into watching movies or variety show.
I don’t understand that am I a lazy or I’m just stressed and depressed about everything.
I hate myself that I kept troubled everyone bc of my procrastination. I know I have to change but I don’t to, why? I don’t know

when I’m under pressure about something I felt my heart, like I can’t take this and my mind goes wild and filled with anxiety with what could when wrong
I remembered that when high school I stop socialize with people, I don’t have close friend that I could trust my feelings and spend my time with novels.

I hate myself, I felt that I’m nothing
always absent - minded
I never achieved something, I never accomplish my goals, I have commitment issue with myself,
I always imagine my heart is crack, stiff and blues.

last year, when I’m overly stressed with my work, also I’m on exam and I don’t understand everything I cried so badly and wanting myself die.

I understand death is not a solution. I understand that I want die because I only want my pain or my burden to gone.
I know living my life now is a burden to myself. I can’t spend my money bc knowing that something could when wrong and you don’t have back up my life always ups and down. I don’t want to work but have to pay tuition. I don’t want to work but I have to getting one that suit with my major.
I wasted 2 years of learn nothing 2 years of wasting my money.

everything that I’m living now is only driving my mind more more to run away from my life.


I can kinda relate to this, especially the part of how you grew up. I understand being on the edge of suicide or if not that, just not wanting to be alive. Finding a purpose in life is hard, but it greatly improve your mental health if you do find something you love and get into it. Even just a hobby. There’s nothing wrong with starting fresh if you feel like you really aren’t interested in what you’re currently studying. And honestly theres quite a few jobs now that you can get without even needing a certain degree, just as long as you have something

To me you sound burnt out. You can’t give any more when you have nothing left to give. It’s a tough spot to be, because the world doesn’t stop spinning.

At this point, self care is especially important. Whether it’s convenient or not, you need to recharge. the way I see it, you can stress about being too tired to do anything, or you can take time to relax and give your burdens a rest, so that you can work on them instead of just putting them off.

I know what it’s like to feel like you have no choice but to keep going through work or school. We were raised on this idea that if you didn’t get a college degree you wouldn’t amount to anything. I dropped out of university twice, and in 6 years of going to school full time I only got my Associate’s degree. When I finally let go and went to work full time, it was a huge weight off my shoulders, and within a couple years I was actually happy, energized, and advancing in my career.

You don’t have to drop out. You can take a semester or a year off to rest and save money. School will always be there, and so will the credits you’ve earned. I went back to school after 5 years to take another crack at my Bachelor’s degree. I went for one semester, then got offered my dream job. I may go back to school in the future, but right now I’m not worried about it.

The important thing here is you have to do what’s right for YOU. Whether or not you finish school doesn’t help or hurt your family or anyone around you. I know the shame of doing badly in school, and it took me years to forgive myself for dropping out. But I was so unhappy, and no amount of pretending or trying harder would fix that. I had nothing left to give. You know what you need in order to be healthy. You said you work to support yourself, and as long as you can support yourself, YOU are in control of your life.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having these troubles. I can relate to a lot of what you had to say. I also grew up with a family who doesn’t express or talk about emotion much… and I know how it can make handling emotions very difficult. Even as an adult, I struggle daily with learning how to control my thoughts and my life in general.
Going to school is difficult, especially when working. Be proud of yourself for hanging in there! Procrastination is one of my worst qualities- so I wish I had more advice to offer you there.

I can definitely relate to this struggle!! My anxiety always freaks me out, even when nothing has gone wrong yet. I once had a therapist give me a beautiful tip: Challenge yourself to think about positive “what ifs”

For example,
What if everything works out fine?
What if you do succeed?
What if you end up happy?

I know it’s difficult not to dwell during tough times. But know that we are all here for you! Sending well wishes friend
:heart: Eyeless