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Feeling down

Long story short… I smoked pot behinds my wife’s back and it almost ended our marriage. I eventually got clean from it and it’s been almost 80 days. We have been doing good but far from perfect. My wife loves to look at social media, and post pictures of her friends and things she cares about on Facebook, instagram, and Snapchat. I’ve brought up to my wife so many times, “it really upsets me that if we look at your Facebook page, nobody would know you are married. You haven’t posted pictures with me or anything in well over a year”. It that really lowers my self esteem. It just keeps happening no many times I bring it up. She says sorry and that she sees my point but nothing changes. Still looks like a single mom on social media. Today we went out on a nice date and did multiple things, nothing. I may be over reacting and I know the date was more important than a social media post, but she post something anytime her and her friends go out. I can’t get anything. It’s destroying me and I feel like it’s no big deal to her. I’ve debated posted something about this so many time because I end up just telling my self that I’m over reacting, I just don’t think I am.

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You aren’t overreacting, especially if your wife understands where you’re coming from and doesn’t try to reach a solution with you. Has the social media silence been since the pot incident, or did it take place before that? It sounds like that incident really upset and hurt her. If it has only been since the incident, maybe she’s still harboring resentment and you need to have a heart to heart about it. If it was before that, it may be a misunderstanding of love languages.

Sounds to me like a strong part of your love language is affirmation. That doesn’t make you needy, that just means you feel especially loved when your wife affirms you, either in person or on social media. When you don’t get that affirmation, you don’t feel as loved. Your feelings about taking a back seat to her friends and her looking like a single mom on social media are valid. Maybe affirmations aren’t a natural go-to for your wife. Maybe she doesn’t realize she’s hurting you by not sharing you with her social media world, especially when she posts a ton about her friends.

I’d recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman to any couple, or even single people who are trying to learn about themselves. There’s a quiz to help you determine your primary and secondary love languages, then the book goes into why you feel what you feel, and things you can do to make your partner feel loved in a way that resonates with them. Read it with your wife if she’s willing, or alone if she isn’t. Try to understand yourself, then try to understand her love needs. Maybe her love tank is empty too. Two people who love each other can easily miscue and feel unloved unintentionally. One example I read somewhere was “He does all the chores and buys me gifts all the time, but all I really want is to sit and spend a couple evenings together!” I hope y’all can get through this and find each other again.

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I think that was an amazing response. Made me tear up the whole time. It definitely started after the pot. She would always want to take pictures with me and post about me, but unfortunately I didn’t appreciate it back then as much as I would now. I’m so disappointed in myself for ever turning down pictures or complaining about them in the past. Now it’s the only thing I want. I think She still has a lot of anger towards me. But I know she is trying, she wouldn’t be here with me still if she wasnt. I do believe we will get back to the place we were, I think I’m just getting ahead of myself and not giving her the time she needs.

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I’m glad to hear that she’s still trying, and that you believe in the marriage. The trust in the marriage was damaged, and rebuilding that takes time, but as long as neither of you gives up it will happen. She may need more time. 80 days isn’t really long in the scheme of things, but while you’re in the hot seat it feels like forever.

Might she be open to counseling? People hear marriage counseling and think that means the marriage is pretty much over and it’s just a formality, but that doesn’t have to (and shouldn’t) be the case. A marriage counselor can help facilitate communication, and can be even more effective when you’re not actively fighting, which it sounds like you’re not. He/she will know the right questions to ask to get y’all communicating effectively.

We actually did start going to a couple counseling last month but it’s only been one time. He talked to her about her anxiety and stuff the whole time, so I was kinda bummed we didn’t talk about more, but her anxiety and panic attacks are kind of an underlying issue for the reason I started smoking pot. That’s a whole bother story. We go again next week, hoping we talk about more. Turns out we actually have that book btw! Can’t wait to start reading it

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