Hello everybody. I remembered I mentioned feeling down for something specific on a stream some days ago and promised to post it on the wall to come into more details, but I sort of forgot with the hassle of my brother’s wedding right afterwards. Actually spent a while scanning through the stream (May 20th) to remember what it was about. A couple of days ago my brother (the younger one, not the one getting married) announced he’s going abroad for a month with his wife. It’s basically a halfway-through vacation with him working on remote through it, but he will also look for job opportunities. We are all super happy for him, as his particular field might not be limitless for growing opportunities in this country.
That being said, it also makes me super jealous.
I slid this feeling to my parents.
I had been “trying” to travel abroad for years (air quotes on trying since the depth of my attempts were rather limited, but mostly since I felt discouraged easily and wasn’t in any prior position to actually travel abroad), as a college student, for working holidays and most recently just on a cultural trip to have fun and convince myself I can actually pull off these kind of projects for simple fun. That last one got the farthest, with me putting about 1k in flying tickets.
That’s when the pandemic struck. At first I thought I could still pull off the trip if it wasn’t that bad. I had some months and maybe things would wing down by the date of my flight. I had announced the trip was on about a week prior to the pandemic really taking off in late February 2020, and I was confident it would work out. Sadly, my younger brother was forced to shift plans, and he moved his wedding later that year and straight into my second week abroad. I wasn’t going to miss my brother’s wedding over a leisure trip, so I swallowed my frustration and began calling the airline. Although everybody insisted I could ask for a full refund it was impossible after several attempts, and moving the date was a massive trouble that played into my discouragement for this project. About the time my flight was due I’d given up entirely, and so I lost a thousand dollars. (My brother’s wedding was suspended and could only be made the next year).
I’ve tried to revive this particular project, but a series of emotional pushbacks and the general economic downturn makes it impossible to me.
Which makes my brother’s trip all the more frustrating. I really don’t want to pour my anger -I guess- towards him. But I came to feel like exploding a bit.
I slid this feeling to my parents.
It wasn’t as fleshed out, but it was there. Must have been something like that I had looked into job opportunities abroad, just because. My mother said something along the lines of “You should totally do it.” To which I replied: “I don’t have a degree.” She sighed with her usual frustration. I imagine she feels I blame them for my professional lacking.
Later that day I bluntly admitted feeling jealous of my little brother to my father. We talked and said I could probably find some expertise to justify a job abroad. But to me it feels out of reach. My experience informs that nothing works, and that includes educating myself in a work-related skill. In general, I feel trapped, and I feel my parents, particularly my mother, don’t understand why I feel like that.
I just feel powerless and unable to reach out of this hole.
So, seeing my siblings going along with their lives makes me jealous. Don’t want that, but it is like it is.
They will all have travelled abroad (as silly and minimum as it sounds, I am the one of my siblings who is the most invested in things going outside our country. Going abroad has always been a craving of mine). They all are, as of this weekend, married. They all have a professional skill and certification with accolades to back them up.
I am economically dependent and historically unable to pull out big projects. I feel impaired to form any meaningful bonds. I have tried two college degrees and neither of them worked, with a third attempt falling flat before admission because my own insecurities got the best of me.
My elder brother went on his honey moon. Outside the church I told him (in English because it’s easier for me to express emotions in a second language) “I’ve got shit to say, but perhaps another time.” My little brother asked me to look after his pet bunnies while he is out, so I will spend a month in the city unstressing. Will be staying close to my sister, who is very supportive. I think I will write down that stuff I’ve got to say. I don’t know if they need to hear it. Maybe. But hell, I need to say it.
Sorry for the long rambling. I got carried away.
Cheers.