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Feeling frustrated and jealous

Hello everybody. I remembered I mentioned feeling down for something specific on a stream some days ago and promised to post it on the wall to come into more details, but I sort of forgot with the hassle of my brother’s wedding right afterwards. Actually spent a while scanning through the stream (May 20th) to remember what it was about. A couple of days ago my brother (the younger one, not the one getting married) announced he’s going abroad for a month with his wife. It’s basically a halfway-through vacation with him working on remote through it, but he will also look for job opportunities. We are all super happy for him, as his particular field might not be limitless for growing opportunities in this country.

That being said, it also makes me super jealous.

I slid this feeling to my parents.

I had been “trying” to travel abroad for years (air quotes on trying since the depth of my attempts were rather limited, but mostly since I felt discouraged easily and wasn’t in any prior position to actually travel abroad), as a college student, for working holidays and most recently just on a cultural trip to have fun and convince myself I can actually pull off these kind of projects for simple fun. That last one got the farthest, with me putting about 1k in flying tickets.

That’s when the pandemic struck. At first I thought I could still pull off the trip if it wasn’t that bad. I had some months and maybe things would wing down by the date of my flight. I had announced the trip was on about a week prior to the pandemic really taking off in late February 2020, and I was confident it would work out. Sadly, my younger brother was forced to shift plans, and he moved his wedding later that year and straight into my second week abroad. I wasn’t going to miss my brother’s wedding over a leisure trip, so I swallowed my frustration and began calling the airline. Although everybody insisted I could ask for a full refund it was impossible after several attempts, and moving the date was a massive trouble that played into my discouragement for this project. About the time my flight was due I’d given up entirely, and so I lost a thousand dollars. (My brother’s wedding was suspended and could only be made the next year).

I’ve tried to revive this particular project, but a series of emotional pushbacks and the general economic downturn makes it impossible to me.

Which makes my brother’s trip all the more frustrating. I really don’t want to pour my anger -I guess- towards him. But I came to feel like exploding a bit.

I slid this feeling to my parents.

It wasn’t as fleshed out, but it was there. Must have been something like that I had looked into job opportunities abroad, just because. My mother said something along the lines of “You should totally do it.” To which I replied: “I don’t have a degree.” She sighed with her usual frustration. I imagine she feels I blame them for my professional lacking.

Later that day I bluntly admitted feeling jealous of my little brother to my father. We talked and said I could probably find some expertise to justify a job abroad. But to me it feels out of reach. My experience informs that nothing works, and that includes educating myself in a work-related skill. In general, I feel trapped, and I feel my parents, particularly my mother, don’t understand why I feel like that.
I just feel powerless and unable to reach out of this hole.

So, seeing my siblings going along with their lives makes me jealous. Don’t want that, but it is like it is.

They will all have travelled abroad (as silly and minimum as it sounds, I am the one of my siblings who is the most invested in things going outside our country. Going abroad has always been a craving of mine). They all are, as of this weekend, married. They all have a professional skill and certification with accolades to back them up.

I am economically dependent and historically unable to pull out big projects. I feel impaired to form any meaningful bonds. I have tried two college degrees and neither of them worked, with a third attempt falling flat before admission because my own insecurities got the best of me.

My elder brother went on his honey moon. Outside the church I told him (in English because it’s easier for me to express emotions in a second language) “I’ve got shit to say, but perhaps another time.” My little brother asked me to look after his pet bunnies while he is out, so I will spend a month in the city unstressing. Will be staying close to my sister, who is very supportive. I think I will write down that stuff I’ve got to say. I don’t know if they need to hear it. Maybe. But hell, I need to say it.

Sorry for the long rambling. I got carried away.

Cheers.

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From: ManekiNeko

this sounds so hard. I can totally understand the feelings of jealousy, especially when so much went so wrong in such a short period of time. Studying has been such a hard time for so many people. I don’t think it’s a sign that you’re not meant to travel or work abroad or even study again when you’re ready. Everyone deals the best they can with this huge world changing event. And it’s impacted us emotionally, mentally and physically. Losing out on so much when the timing just betrayed you.

would you even perhaps enjoy going abroad to do random work around? For example we have a lot of people come and then they come to work out on the farms for a little while and keep travelling on and take up small jobs in cafes ect for a period of time as well. They get to keep travelling and earn a bit of pocket money as they go. My friend started that way and now she runs her own media business.

acknowledging your feelings is always okay. You know you don’t really hate your brothers for what they’re doing in life, but you also long for the same opportunities, and that’s okay. It’s something that’s been your passion for so long. I hope you are feeling better

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Hi @ManejiNeko. Thanks for your words. I have been feeling better than back then, and in general it comes and goes.
It’s not so much that so many things went wrong in a very short period of time (although the intensity of inducing events do cause me to feel worse in the immediate aftermath) but instead that they consistently repeat over time. Failing projects and ideas for me is something I’ve been aware to happen to me since I was thirteen. So it naturally gets to a point at which the logical outcome (and I know some would say it’s not logical) is that I am somehow doomed to always fail. Meanwhile my siblings thrive, my friends build up their lives, and everybody else seems to have a good time.
I wish I could feel betrayed by time, destiny or the universe. But every time I think about it is always seems that it is me. It would seem I have control over my life, since I am the cause of it always botching. But the absolute perception of failure makes me feel powerless. And I guess part of my feeling of jealousy is because of that powerlessness.
I am currently taking care of my brother’s pets while he is abroad with his wife looking for a job. It’s good to be in the city and all. But again I am feeling stuck. Before coming my father suggested I try to expose myself to people, interact in the street and what not. So I’ve been taking walks around the neighborhood once or twice every day. It’s a part of town filled with pubs, restaurants and hotels. Lots of interesting-looking people. But I just can’t talk to them. I can only look at myself and think that I am making everybody uncomfortable. I was told I shouldn’t focus so much on myself and how I may look. But I don’t know how to do that. So today as I walked back I was thinking about how this feels, and it is a bit as running behind a train, trying to catch it to no avail.
My elder brother returned from his honey moon today and I might have that talk to him one of these days.

Best wishes.

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