Hey @limeytea ,
TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts (just like making sure people get a warning for triggering topics even if it says it in the categories)
This is really thoughtful and appreciated, thank you!
i know i have a couple people who care about me, but i know they could move on without me.
For what it’s worth, when I find myself spiraling with this kind of thought - “I’m not needed/people can go on without me” -, it’s often because there’s something comforting in thinking that way. But it doesn’t mean it’s true. People who love you certainly only want to do life with you, but also to see you happy and safe.
I’m sorry things have been so hard. Sorry your family is not supportive to you, and even abusive. You don’t deserve this.
i’m doing my best to help myself, but i don’t seem to get anywhere. i’m also very exhausted all the time from the people around me and from my own mind. i feel like i’m lazy, but i can’t help being so tired and just wishing for an easy way to leave my house.
Oh friend, you’re not lazy at all. We see you here. We know all the efforts you dedicate to your own mental health and well-being. It’s not nothing. So… maybe people who are close to you right now doesn’t see it, but people in this community can see it. You are brave, and strong. Certainly more than you imagine. But still. Despite the pain, this feeling of being stuck, despite the uncertainties, you keep fighting, and that needs to be celebrated. 
i have a therapist now and she really does seem to care and is really nice, but i’m just so exhausted. i don’t know how to keep going and some days i don’t feel like i deserve to even live because of my intrusive thoughts.
I’m super glad to hear that things are doing well with your therapist. Finding a professional who make you feel safe is precious! If you’re comfortable with it, I’d like to encourage you to really talk with them about these intrusive thoughts that you have, and maybe ask for some ways to deal with it when you’re not meeting your therapist.
i can’t open up to my family either, it’s always used against me. if i start feeling bad again it’s “why are you doing that again” or “you aren’t getting better fast enough” and i’m tired of it. i’m also allowed to keep my privacy after years of having people in my life search through my things even as an adult.
Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear that. As I grew up, I didn’t really have any privacy either, as my mom was used to search through my things too. She was even used to read my personal notes/journal in front of me - the only thing I could use to vent. I have now a habit to hide very personal things, even while living on my own/with my partner. Having your privacy shouldn’t be a right to claim, friend. Though, I’m really glad that this is at least something that changed over time. You have your inner garden that no one needs to know about, unless you decide to share about it.
i know no one else can fix things for me, but i don’t know what else to do expect to run here and vent. thank you everyone for listening.
Maybe feeling a little less alone. It’s still something, right? We’re in this with you.
i just, i don’t know. i don’t know how much time i have left. it sounds sorta morbid, but i’ve had that thought so many times.
In these circumstances, I think it’s normal to have this kind of thought. You know, it’s like having a sense of control over something. Maybe it helps to feel less stuck. But you know it’s not a solution either. A hard season in your life doesn’t mean it will always be like this. You’ll overcome this moment. You’ll empower yourself, find new opportunities. And until that moment, it’s really important to keep focusing on what you can do on a daily basis. Maybe, as said before, by starting by working on these intrusive thoughts /w your therapist. One day after another, one step at a time, nothing more. Especially if thinking about everything at once is exhausting to you.
Take care, friend. I’ll say and say it again, but I’m rooting for you.