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Feeling hopeless and afraid

For years I have been suffering with self harm, torturing thoughts anxiety depression and severe panic attacks. This past two months have been my breaking point and I’m not sure how much I can take. For two weeks now three thoughts have been racing in my head making me feel like a piece of garbage. Thought 1: you’re nothing and better off dead. Thought two: you’re nothing but a headache to everyone and you don’t matter. Thought three: slit your wrist and get it over with or drive 90mph and crash in a light post with no seatbelt. Although I haven’t cut myself in about two years, these awful thoughts race as I can’t escape them. I have a loving boyfriend amazing family and friends that try to help me, but with a room full of wonderful human beings, I’m still trapped in my mind, still alone and afraid, like I’m a frightened child in a thunderstorm hiding under a large leaf, shivering from the wind and rain. I need help, I need it bad… I want to know others stories and help me find peace without the thought of death, I want to live and I have so many plans for my future, but I’m so afraid if this doesn’t change I may not be here soon.

Hey! Glad you reached out, that’s the first step. You’ve a lot going on it sounds like and I can relate, but you have something big going for you that you can lean on. Family, boyfriend and friends. They care a lot about you I’m sure. But sadly my story doesn’t have anyone but me for most of it. I was taken from my family when I was 14 and put in foster care, went to 8 high schools eventually dropping out. After I ran out of foster homes I was thrown in an institution to rot. I spent a year and a half in solitary confinement basically, I had no more treatment to complete so I was thrown in a room to not leave or step foot outside for a very very long time. I had no family, no friends, no lover, I was completely and utterly alone. I spent every holiday the same looking out my window to wonder what it would be like to have a family or friends or not live like a falsely accused felon. (I’m not a felon but the way I lived and was treated was comparable to one) When I was there I started writing to try to really get to the root of why I felt the way I did and in that it gave me a sense of clarity and peace. It brought me a sense of control in a place where I couldn’t even step out of my room without being thrown to the floor and given shots to put me to sleep for being “uncooperative”. It also gave me a sense of strength and really helped me understand myself so that I could get to the root of my problems and gradually cut the links to the chain of my mental health. I then looked for people to admire and look up to and what qualities in them that I want in myself and I started to really get a hold of myself. But that’s a piece of my story, hope it helps. This community is here for you.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story, I’m so sorry you are alone, family friends and my lover and three things that have kept me from going down the rabbit hole. So you say writing helped you, I did some of that and it released some of the pain, but that little whisper keeps coming back. I hope now that you are in a better place and have love around you, everyone deserves to feel like they belong and are wanted. Also I really appreciate that you shared a little bit of your life with me, I know that I’m not alone in feeling these things but I want to know how I can get rid of them, just little life tips of how to cope or give the whisper a tiny eviction notice, any advice?

Don’t give up. Thats the best advice i have for you right now. I struggle with similar thoughts and feelings and I just want you to know your not alone on this…I’d love to talk about myself and tell you my history but i don’t feel like it would be of any benefit to you right now. You need to find something that works for you an outlet maybe a hobby and concentrate on that. I hope your emotions improve and your here to see your family and everybody that loves and supports you…

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Thank you for this. It helps knowing I’m not alone, maybe one day we can sit down and share our stories. Because as I’m seeing I’m not alone and that’s the best feeling right now is knowing I’m not alone.

Thank you for not waiting until you became suicidal before posting this. It means quite a lot to me.
When my thoughts get like this it means that my medications are not working; I do not know of any other long-term sustainable solution. You can try interrupting the thoughts, but if yours are like mine, they come often and quickly. Interrupting them would not only be tiresome; you would not be able to function. A cognitive behavioral therapist might be able to help, but do you have the time before you hit the suicide event horizon? Unless you are already on medication and you can increase the dosage, there is usually an annoying two month wait for the medicine to kick in. I am going to assume that you do not have two months. The medication that treats this specific symptom for me is Seroquel. I do not recommend it. It has many side-effects. However, the class Seroquel is in, Atypical Anti-Psychotics, could help. I do not know why they are called anti-psychotics. They treat anxiety and depression. They also have something more than the sum of their parts —at least in me— that makes life livable, again. The thoughts stop and a weight lifts off me. For me this bit kicked in overnight. I do not know if that will happen to you, but I hope it does. Please live. Whatever you decide to do, please live. The world is better and more interesting with you in it.

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