I don’t know who to reach out to, but I feel like I have to. These new dark thoughts are consuming me and I’m scared.
I’ve had new health issues for the last year after being relatively healthy my whole life. It affects me on a daily basis and I am just losing patience being a ginea pig with medication cocktails and getting no relief. I’ve always been positive, every day I try and ignore my negative thoughts, I find things to keep myself distracted, but it’s getting hard to hide it.
I feel like I am bothering everyone and being a “negative nelly” by spewing my symptoms over and over again when people ask how I am. I don’t have many friends that I feel good to vent with. I don’t want my husband to see me being weak or crying. My parents don’t know either so I just try and hide it all and tell everyone I’m fine, but I’m not.
Lately, I can’t concentrate at work, I feel useless and I start thinking when I’m driving, if someone were to hit me, I wouldn’t even care, and almost welcome it. This scares me since it’s all new to me. My family is not about seeing a therapist or believe in mental health issues…I just feel trapped. I am posting here just reaching out, in tears, feeling that maybe it’s true “misery loves company” and maybe someone out there feels the same. My inner “tough girl” is just tired.
First off, welcome to Heart Support! You came to the right place.
I definitely understand getting tired of being a guinea pig, and a lot of us here feel the same. It took about 8 tries over 5 years for me to find a cocktail of antidepressants that worked. While that was happening, I was weaning off one and onto another over periods of 6 weeks and trying to decide if the side effects would go away or bother me forever. I just wanted to be better. This year I tried getting off meds entirely, but that didn’t go too well, so we’re back to dialing in a dose of something more mild.
You can always find light or darkness if it’s what you’re looking for. I’m glad you’re looking for light! It doesn’t make your burdens any easier, but fighting to stay positive is a big part of being positive.
It’s okay to be tired. You’ve shouldered a big burden for a long time now. It’s important to reach out. I think a more positive way to look at “misery loves company” is “misery needs community.” We’re here to support you
The “wishing you were dead” thoughts are scary, and they’re also hard to ignore, but you seem to understand that this life is worth living. Check out #insteadilive on the Heart Support Instagram or Facebook. It was a campaign that made people stop and consider what little things they do that make their lives worthwhile to the people around them.
You’re not alone. You have us to confide in. You may look into support groups for people with your health issues to see how people just like you are coping. You have your husband, and even if you don’t want him to see you cry, I’m sure he would rather have you happy and lighthearted than crushed by the weight of what’s going on.
Reaching out for the first time is the hardest step, and I applaud your courage for admitting that it’s not all okay We are not slaves to our secrets if we let our secrets out, even to an online forum full of strangers. I hope this made you feel better, and I hope you find the support you’re looking for.
Welcome to HeaartSupport! We are happy to have you and I honor your bravery for sharing a part of your story. I know what it is like to struggle with some health issues and there is no shame in feeling what you are feelings. When you are suffering like that, all of those emotions you described are normal and healthy.
You are not a burden despite what your brain might tell you. Your life matters and you are loved more than you know. You do not need to be tough all the time and tears are more than ok. I hope you find people who can support you where you are at and can find solace in community. But until that day, you have us and we will be here to virtually walk alongside you in your journey.
I am assuming that if you have a husband then you might be a grown woman. If I am correct, then is it possible to go to a therapist on your own without telling anyone? Or we have a partnership with BetterHelp which is virtual counseling. That could be more private and helpful if you have the money. I am just thinking “out loud” here.
Whatever the case may be, you are loved and you deserve physical and mental healing. I truly hope you find answers soon and can get get better soon.
