Feeling hopeless , depressed , self harm temptation

Tonight is a night I am struggling bad with falling asleep . I feel so anxious and depressed . Some much is going on in my life . I feel like I have no support. My family is not supportive . Today will be 4 years that my cousin has passed . I will never understand why he died so soon and young. Never thought I would be the person to help carry his casket as a Paul bearer . I have struggled with self harm for a while and stopped after a while . Now I am having a relapse again recently . The pain I am going through I feel that I can cope with self harm . I am trying to get back not relying on it . It is hard because I am christian and I feel so wrong for the worthlessness and hopelessness in my life that I feel . I feel like a horrible Christian that I am struggling with the depression, grief and the self harm .

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I’m sorry about your cousin. I never had a good relationship with mine but I know from what I hear that the relationship with counsins is so special so I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.
One thing I can reassure you of tho is that you are not alone with your self harm. I’ve been relapsing all over the shop with mine after 2 months of being completely self harm free - I was so mad at myself. If you haven’t already I would suggest looking at ReWrite - that’s what got me clean and it wasn’t until I stopped using it that I relapsed. Right now I’m too terrified to pick it back up, but if you can I highly recommend it. You’re not alone. You’re loved and we are here for you. Keep reaching out when you get those urges. You’re doing well.

Hold Fast
Kayla

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Hey @Carseaj,

Thank you for reaching out. It’s not easy to do, so I’m proud of you for it.

I’m sorry about your cousin. Losing somebody you love is hard, I know. I’ve been through it too, and I still miss him every day.

Relapsing can be frustrating, and it can feel like a failure. It’s not a failure, it’s a process. It is a signal that what you are doing isn’t working for you, and something needs to change. It’s not the end, it’s part of the journey. The next part of the journey is finding a healthier way to cope, and fighting those urges with things you know are positive outlets. Do you find writing helpful? Write a poem! Write a story! Write a journal entry! Do you find exercise helpful? Go for a swim! Go for a run! Find somebody to play some 1-on-1 basketball! Do you find prayer helpful? It’s free, and you can pray absolutely any time you want! Like @Kayla said, ReWrite might be a valuable resource for you. If it’s something you think will help, but can’t afford, talk to the crew here, and we will figure it out.

You recognized the relapse and brought yourself here for support, and I think that says a lot about your desire to find answers, ways to manage this, and ways to have hope. I know I already said I’m proud of you, but I really am.

Hold fast, friend. We’re all cheering for you. Sending love.

<3 AnitaBandaid

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What is the resource rewrite? I am sorry I am new to this website and this organization. I never knew about it till this week came up on my Facebook feed

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@Carseaj, ReWrite is a book geared toward self-harm. It’s part book, part workbook. It helps you take a look at your personal journey with self harm, how to recognize it, why you are motivated to self-harm, and how to work through and prevent it. Obviously it might not be for everybody, but it’s a good resource for many and may be worth a look.

ReWrite - http://amzn.to/2JJUDVl

:heart:

I think that is my next step is to get the book. I it has been really discouraging and I am just hoping that I can get out of this rut .

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Thank you . I am gonna try to look more getting that book. I just really want to not do it . Yeah it feels good in the moment but it just leaves me feeling so empty / worthless . I am hoping that things will get better in my life and I can be free of self harm . It is just feels very discouraging and not looking good right now .

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Come back here as often as you need to, we’ll keep encouraging you. We want to see you feeling better and happier. Sending love, friend.

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Hey @Carseaj,

I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. What an honor to be the one to be a pallbearer though.

I can totally relate to being a Christian that struggles with self-harm. Have you checked out Heartsupport’s book ReWrtie? If not definitely check it out! It helped me out so much in my journey in recovery. If you want one, reply and I’ll make sure you get one.

Also, don’t feel like a horrible Christian for struggling with depression, grief, and self-harm.
I wrote a blog a while ago about why the church has to address suicide (it has scripture that displays depression and grief though) maybe it can be encouragement to you.

http://johnsonsm1.tumblr.com/post/165275964376/why-the-church-must-address-suicide

Hold Fast,
-SJ

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Hi ,

please know that your thoughts of doing self harm does not make you a bad christian whatso ever. You are going through a hard time. the best advice I can give whenever I feel an overwhelming emotion I put on music and go for a walk or run. I find it’s the best way to get out any negative energy.

sending positive vibes

alyssa

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Thanks for your one blog I read that one and few others . It was really encouraging . It is hard because I feel like the church doesn’t know how to handle that stuff and they mean no harm . For us though who struggle it can very lonely and make me us feel like there is something wrong with us like we are unacceptable. I want a copy of that book but I will have to wait it isn’t good timing

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I totally feel that. I was a worship leader for a number of years and it was hard sharing my struggles with my community in the church because I knew I needed help and not just prayer (If that makes any sense).

Keep pushing through because I guarantee there are others in your church that feel the same way and struggle with similar things.

Let me know when you feel you’re ready for the book and I’m more that happy to get you one!

Hold Fast,
-SJ

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Thank you so much SJ. I will definitely will let you know when I am ready .

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Iim sorry about your cousin I lost my mom four years ago also and I never understood how and why she got sick she had just turned 40. But one thing I learned from it is that it happened and there’s nothing I can do that will change it but I can keep on going for them don’t forget that they would want you happy never forget that. It sucks that your family isn’t supportive but you got this you can do it there are probably people you wouldn’t look at as family but they are. If your having another bad day or a sleepless night remember that your cousin would want you happy and moving on with your life and one day you will keep on going for yourself and because you want too
Don’t give up

  • :revolving_hearts:
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I’m still grieving for the first person who I ever felt was a kind, friend to me, and it was years ago. It’s okay to grieve. As long as you need. Don’t beat yourself up. I can relate to your pain, and so can others here. And I say dont. Please don’t. We love you.
Wrists are for bracelets, not cutting. - Kellin Quinn

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Hey @Carseaj,

I’m so sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression that you’re struggling with right now.

I usually have difficulty falling asleep too and I’ve found that melatonin tablets help a little bit. Have you tried making melatonin (or something herbal) before bed?

This isn’t true and I want to call that out. When all else fails, remember that WE care about you and what you’re dealing with. Unbeknownst to you, you probably have people in your circles who care about you, you just don’t know it. Back in March when I burst-fractured my spine, I had people come out of the woodwork to express their condolences - people who I haven’t talked to in years. I hope it doesn’t take to the extent of blasting your spine to realize that people care, but I promise you, they do.

Also, remember to separate feelings from facts. In other words, feelings fluctuate but facts remain the same. You might feel alone, but the fact is that you are NOT alone. That, I can promise you.

Focus on your success, not your slip-up. In other words, be proud of yourself for making it amount of weeks clean! Then, set a new goal to make it 1 extra week longer. :slight_smile:

If you haven’t already, I’d recommending finding a healthy nearby church, and I’d consider volunteering. You’ll meet a bunch of great people and you’ll make some new friends (and additional people to come alongside you during your battle).

Keep fighting! We’re rooting for you!

-Eric

I was searching for something and your story popped up.

You are not alone. Depression, feelings of hopelessness and injury to ones self are on the rise. It is always related to a connection from an event that traumatizes a person either recent or a long time ago.

This happens to everyone regardless if they believe in God or not. The adversary knows time is close and is working to cause a believer to stumble. He does not care who a person is, his ultimate goal is to take you away from heaven and God.

Pray about it. Pray hard, pray like you never have before. Pray he protects you from the evil one and ask for a hedge of protection around you everyday. Get into the word of God. That is the only book that is truth. God will speak to you through his word.

I suffer from anxiety, depression which comes from my RA. It is nothing more than Satan and his MOA trying to pull me away from him. I fight everyday trying to combat it. I have days that seem too much to handle. Sometimes I can’t breathe it is too much. I take a lot of timeouts and errands so I can remove myself from the situation and move to a new one.

Then I remember Ephesians 6:11. It gives me strength.

**Ephesians 6:11 KJV: “Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.”

Keep fighting, we all are. For you the trigger is the physical heartache, the spiritual is Satan using that trigger to pull you from God. Remember that.