Feeling horrible

[itsnotoveryet]

I don’t have any energy to write. My first house conflict after moving in. I feel like those are bound to happen when you move in. I’ve seen my boyfriend go through it when he lived with my family and the same with my brothers fiancee. Now I’m with my boyfriend’s bio father (I say that because he has a dad that was primarily active in his life) and his family. I feel so stressed.

His bio father texted his mom about issues he has with us and it gave me flashbacks on my brother running to my mom about everything instead of talking to us. One of his issues was that we don’t speak up about stuff we need, like if the house needs something or we do. I get too nervous to talk and I try to be friendly with everyone, it feels hard to speak up. That “everything is a secret between them two”. I try to talk, it’s hard, every time I open up I worry about being judged.

His other issues were my boyfriend’s job schedule and how he “doesn’t listen”, I don’t know what that’s about…And apparently I need to stop doing everything for my boyfriend. Idk. I cook and clean after him a lot I guess, why can’t I do that? When I don’t feel like it, I Express that to him I just don’t know why that’s his issue. I can’t get a job yet because I’m waiting for my boyfriend’s first paycheck so I can afford an ID and then I can get a job.

It’s taking forever, life is going painfully slow, I feel like a freeloader, and I’m afraid of everything. I force myself to come out and talk but today I’m isolating in our room because I know there’s a problem and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’ve been doing journaling lately and I’ve already wrote down how I feel and it helped until I realized the situation is not resolved so I feel the same again.

I have to wait until late at night for my boyfriend to be “talked to” after he leaves work. Idk how to feel other than stressed and helpless. I did some cleaning today so I’d like to think i did my part so I don’t need to leave the room until the unfortunate time of dinner. I won’t have an appetite.

That’s all, unfortunately. No good news from me. That anxiety carried on with me even after I moved out.

Take care, everyone.

[Wings]

Hello, and welcome back! I wish it were under better circumstances. It is super hard for a father to avoid being very opinionated about what their son should do. Actually, texting his mom is far different from a sibling complaining to a parent. He may genuinely be looking for some insight regarding his son.

It sounds like he wants you to be more relaxed, open and assertive. I understand your concern about being judged, as you have come from a very judgmental household. Unfortunately, your fear of judgment is likely to make him feel judged, because it implies that you believe he will respond to your honesty with some kind of negativity.

I have a feeling that you are an introvert. That also makes it hard to be assertive and comfortable talking to others, especially about issues that invoke significant emotions.

He probably wants you to stop doing everything for your boyfriend, so he becomes better at taking care of himself, and even helping you out. After all, if you start working, you won’t be available to do everything for him. That he feels that his son doesn’t listen, as far as I can tell, is how 99/100 fathers feel. My son and I get along great, and have hours long conversations. Still, there are times when he doesn’t listen to me, and usually finds out the hard way that he should have.

I think that unless you have the convincing evidence to the contrary, you can trust your boyfriend’s father to have good intentions, even if he is overbearing and judgmental at times.

Being able to spend some time alone is a good thing, but too much isolation can lead to “rumination,” or having the same thoughts and feelings over and over and lead to despair.

Is your boyfriend’s father approachable? If so, voluntarily spending some time with him might be helpful. Thoughtful listening can relieve a lot of tension, even when some issues remain unresolved.

Here’s something you might have fun with, and it might help with self-understanding:

Free personality test | 16Personalities

[itsnotoveryet]

Hello Wings, and thank you so much for your informative response, I’ve been feeling lost in my mind and your response really helps me.

I didn’t think about his father texting his mom could have been for insight, and not to invite drama. And I agree that I come from a judgemental home. They played the “telephone” game with lots of gossip and drama, so that explains why I could only think of something similar to that result happening.

I also never thought of him feeling judged by my own fear of being judged. It’s unfortunate because although my boyfriend is the type to express how he feels, he came from living with my family too so I’ve noticed how he has a harder time expressing himself, too.

I think I can be very introverted, it’s not that I’m incapable of conversation, it can just be very hard at times, and it’s hard for me to be assertive when it comes to “personal” people, like family that I need to keep a good impression and respect with.

I can admit sometimes I do a little more than I should, and we’ve had conversations about how he should do more, that is something we need to work on more. Sometimes I can’t help but feel the need to do “everything” in that moment.

Not isolating and trying to express myself is so incredibly hard, but I will continue to try to break out of it. I ruminate very often.

I would say that he is approachable in the sense that he’s friendly, I feel like he doesn’t know how to talk to me because of my awkwardness, and I feel like that causes him to be a little awkward with me. I admittedly don’t do my part in trying to talk to him because I’m often very nervous. I was the same way with my boyfriend’s dad, where he originally lived. I don’t know if that has to do with the fact that I didn’t have a father figure in my life, but I feel like it does.

I’ve taken the test before and could not remember the result, so I took it again and I got INFP-T, and the results showed that I am 89% introverted, so you’re correct about that, hahaha. I will take some more time reading into it.

Everything feels so scary and I instinctively want to hide away, but I have to keep working on it.

Thank you for taking the time to message me, Wings. I really admire who you are, from what I know of you and what you have done for me and many others so I cannot thank you enough.

[Wings]

I can’t help but be inspired by your responses. You do have a lot of insight. I think I might help you to get in touch with it, or perhaps feel more validated by hearing it from someone else.

I just retook the test and came up with INFJ-A, which is surprising because I’ve always been an INFP. I think maybe Heart Support has opened my heart and mind a bit more. BTW, I’m 100% introverted! I’m also 91% intuitive, 98% feeling, 71% judging, and 64% assertive. I’m not sure how a hundred percent introverted and sixty four percent assertive fit together, but oh well.

I get the impression that the three of you are sincerely trying to connect and work things out. I think it’s okay to have points of contention, as long as you care enough about each other to avoid hurt feelings. I also think the three of you are willing to look within yourselves, and thoughtfully consider your roles and how you interact with each other.

At some point, you and your boyfriend will be on your own. And you will also be able to maintain a pleasant and caring relationship with your boyfriend’s father.

[itsnotoveryet]

I am glad to have given you something from the help you give me. Often times I feel lost and scared, and your responses help me feel grounded and back to the surface, and I very much feel validated, thank you.

And wow, 100% introverted! I think I like to see myself as a “hopeful” introvert, though admittedly I enjoy presenting in front of others, maybe that side of me has to do with it. I was 63% intuitive, 68% feeling, 54% prospecting, and 88% turbulent. You’re free to donate some of that assertion over here! Kidding, of course.

The way you worded this is very reassuring. He is a well meaning person so I will continue to give the same respect and do better, for myself and everyone else’s sake.

My boyfriend and I being on our own is the plan, I appreciate everything you have wrote down in your response. You not only give me reassurance, but my boyfriend feels happier when I show him “a message I got from Wings again!” like I struck luck.

Your efforts will never be forgotten. Again, thank you so much, and take care.

[Micro]

Hey @itsnotoveryet,

Just sending love your way today. Thinking of you. I hope things are going on with a little more peace for you. You’re on the right path. And the transition you are experiencing is still so admirable and strong. I believe in you. You will thrive and manage to get a place of your own, a life of your own, and you’ll be so proud of how far you’ve come. The steps you’ve already taken in the last months are huge. You got this.

[itsnotoveryet]

Thank you so much for reaching out, Micro. I apologize for the very late response. It’s crazy to think that I’m being “thought of”, and for it to be by someone so incredibly uplifting and supportive…I really really appreciate it. I’m not having the greatest of days today, but your words have really helped me. Thank you so much. So much mind fog, and i feel clarity from your words.

I even have been appreciated by @SheetMetalHead . I’m at a loss, but in a good way. Thank you both for reaching out to me. It means so much.

Thank you again, and take care