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Feeling intense anger right now/ worthless

  1. I’m feeling intense anger, and self hatred. I was joking around a guy, but then shoved me as a joke. But he pretty much saying I was whimp, saying I was little girl. Well one reason I did not do cause, I did not make fool of myself getting my ass kick by old man. Also I did not hit the guy and get arrested for it.

The thing is been kinda learn how to box, but really terrible at, I still can’t throw punches and lesson are too expensive. To be honest I did it, because I wanted a girl to like me and other girl think I’m tough guy or at least not a door mate. But no girl will ever like me cuase I’m a pussy.

It also bring up a lot dark intense emotions, very dark violet thoughts. Some of it is self harm, some violent toward other people. Like I wanna put a knife or just go ape shit. That part of me really scare me, I can very violent, it just is my intense shadow.

I had year being bully by just people in general. Even the whimpy kids kick my ass. A teacher said I would not last in prison for 10 minutes. Even as adults had people bully me , just said I was stupid. No girl like me cause not still up for myself. People see me as a weakness defenseless person. A pussy that has no confidence and self worth. It bring out the worst in me.

3 Likes

Hey @Metalskater1990,

You’ve done the right thing by not responding to the provocation of this guy. Honestly, when someone tries to belittle someone else, they are actually saying something about themselves and their own insecurities. Their words are empty and don’t say anything about you. It is the person who judges and critics with the intention of hurting that actually reveals something about themselves.

It sounds like throughout your life, and based on what you have shared on your posts, you have been hurt by others and belittled at an early age, which is enough to build up a lot of frustration and anger. You never deserved to be treated badly, as if you were not good enough.

Having no confidence does not make you a weak person. It makes you someone who has been hurt and is struggling. Expecting yourself to be fully confident after the ways you’ve been hurt by others is like expecting to walk while having a broken leg. It takes time to recover, it takes time to heal core wounds, it takes time to find your path - one that wouldn’t be made of violence, because violence is actually the weapon that was used against you, and I’m sure you don’t wish that to anyone else.

It also sounds like a lot of the critics and negativity that has been turned against you is based on toxic masculinity. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of that concept, but I think it really is a key one for you. There’s what biology says about our gender (and even so, it’s very prone to debates), but there’s also what we learn about being a man or woman, depending on the society/culture we live in. In our society, being a man would equal this fake illusion that you need to be strong, not show emotions, be tough, basically get your shit together no matter what life throws at you. What a stupid expectation! You are basically expected to be superman, but superman is a fictional character. In real life, human beings have human needs. They feel, they’re happy, they cry, they grieve, they hurt, they laugh… whether they’re a man, a woman or any other gender. You are not a “pussy” or weak because the idea that this conception relies on is absolutely unfair and unrealistic. You are you. You are enough as you are.

This is not about being manly enough or not, this is about re-learning to take pride in being yourself unapologetically. I can tell that you have more heart and you care more than a lot of people. Don’t let others condition your feelings and the person you are. They judge but they don’t know you. Actually, one day something inevitable will hit them, like the loss of a loved one, and they will probably feel very lost with emotions they don’t understand and never allowed themselves to feel before. You’re not following that path. you’re not choosing the easy way. You’re actually doing the work to understand yourself, understand your emotions, understand the person you are. That takes strength. Vulnerability is a strong backbone in life. Denying it only pushes us to our own loss.

You are enough just as you are. You always were, and you are, still. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

Hallos! First of all a lot of people like you. In fact around 6 thousand people like you here at heart support. Even minus the Heartsupport love I know for a fact you will make new friends and a lot of people will like you: D. I did do boxing for 3 and a bit years to keep fit honestly. If you don’t like boxing try something else flighting ish wise like Karate. You definitely shouldn’t have to be pressured to do fight sports because some people call you a “Pussy” for a fact you are mentally extremally strong by keeping up with the bad stuff you’re going through. I went through a rough stage of bullying through my early years of high school. Kids can be extremely mean in school but I’m honestly quite shocked why adults are bullying you too. That’s not right… If it’s a teacher doing it please look at the senior staff of you’re a school like the head teacher and deputy head people like that and can sort them out. it’s for the best. Sometimes its the best to say to people and say hey do you mind stop calling me that especially that guy you were talking to.

1 Like

From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey MetalSkater, I want to tell you something so important, I think you are amazing for not responding to the person that made you angry, you not reacting makes you as big and tough and strong as any man. It takes courage to not react and pretty girls respect that. I know its hard when those bad thoughts are going on in your head but you have been doing so well lately learning how to manage those thoughts and look at what you have achieved. I am so proud of you. You my friend are as far from a weak person as you could be. Dont give up. Much Love Lisa x

From: lovecraft-pilled

As a 5’4" bald, weak guy I understand your frustration better than anyone. There’s a standard that exists that the only real men are the 6’2" strong handsome men but this is a ridiculous standard. I’ve dealt with it my whole life, and the only thing I’ve learned is to not try to act like a tough guy if you’re not. I think you have to acknowledge that you’re not a professional body builder and move on. That’s what I have done and it worked well for me. As long as you don’t try to act tough, you should be fine. We are what we are. We are born into this as is. Just try not to worry about it and don’t compare yourself to big, strong men.