Feeling like a failure for 32 years

I’m just gonna start typing… so my whole life I’ve dealt with low self esteem and pretty much zero self confidence. All of this has been bashed into my brain and made true in my life throughout the years. It’s such a long story it’s my whole goddamn life for fuck sake. Now married and a father to 3 kids… I feel
More like a failure each day. My wife and I met in high school, dated for 3 years. Everything seemed pretty great and like a fairytale I would say. “ hey I’m gonna Marry my high school sweetheart!” Well… she cheats on me. After 3 years of dating… summer of 2008 she kisses like 8 guys one summer. Has sex with 3. I’m fucking crushed… Move ahead a year and a half, patch things up ( yeah right ) that shit still hurts. Anyway we get Married in 2010. Things were great surprisingly. Then 2014 she cheats on me again… this time it’s way more serious. We’re married, have a kid, she is pregnant with our second. Yes I said pregnant… cheated on me while pregnant with my kid… this is so fucking embarrassing can’t believeI’m writing this shit. I was unemployed for about a month when she started cheating on me with someone she worked with. I was unemployed for a total of 7 months. So imagine me, unemployed, with a kid and anothern on the way. Feeling like a piece of shit husband and father not providing for my family …and my wife cheats on me… this is the same girl from earlier guys. Why the fuck did I take her back? Why not have dumped her after the first time? Why not divorce her after this last time??.. the answer I don’t fucking know…we are married, we have kids… it’s fucking hard now I’m bitter. I’ve “forgiven” her but it’s prob not real forgiveness. Anyway so needless to say self esteem and self confidence and self worth… obliterated. In the meantime I went to college. Got a four year degree. Now thousands of dollars in debt with no lucrative career in sight. All this shit is a heavy burden weighing me down to complete worthlessness… this is
My shit show of a life. It might not seem like the worst or it might seem like my own stupidity, but it’s my shit and I’ve thought of ending it many times…I’m aftaid I will end it myself. I’m afraid I’ll go through the rest of my life bitter. I’m afraid I won’t find a career and give my kids a better life than what I’ve had. Im afraid I’ll fail and fail and fail again at being a husband and father and I’m afraid I’ll pass my mental health issues down to my children worst of all. I can’t bare to watch that happen or else I end myself…

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I can’t tell you anything about your situation except that it sucks. I only managed to avoid such a thing because I am overweight and kept myself from the dating scene especially when I got diagnosed in my early 20s.

Now I’m nearing 40 & I still am not ready for such a relationship. I find myself in a stale loop between being a loser & trying to put my life back together. I’ve an outline, a plan and some motivation. Yet trying to apply it is much harder than I thought.

So I also Feel like a failure at times.

I hope things get better for you (one more thing: You’re wife cheated on you & will probably do so again. I am just going to give you a head’s up.)

Thanks for the reply. Yea the thought of it happening again scares me to death. But I tried to cheat on her to even it out. I didn’t. Obviously that’s not how things should be done. There a different factors that play into her cheating on me. She’s not a whore or slut. ( I know that sounds niave but the fact is she isn’t) I just need someone or somewhere to vent to. The situation just made me feel like a failure that much more in life.

To be honest about the cheating issue. The human species is built scientifically to procreate. So it is logical that humans have more than one partner (whatever you want to call it). Matter of fact it is natural for people to be in polyamorous relationships. (In no way do I intend to defend cheating.) Yet most of human history, we’ve been taught to be monogamarous. It has been practically bred into our minds & our DNA (even though it is against our nature).

What I believe that people should be honest. If you can have a monogamorous relationship I say go for it by all means. Yet liars & cheaters make me mad. I believe in open relationships on certain terms myself. Yet I believe the mono-believers should have fair weight on their desires for a life long mate as much as the poly-believers should have as many partners they desire.

What I don’t believe is in cheating & decieving. I would be totally upset if I was married and was told my partner cheated on me. It doesn’t matter if I believe in being polyamorous. I was told to be faithful and that my relationship was built on monogamorous ideals. So I would’ve have expected no cheating. Only to be betrayed. As if our vows meant nothing and my partner just stated “I’m just kidding. I actually always wanted a polyamorous relationship.”

I grew up with christian beliefs so marriage was something I wanted, and I was faifhful to my wife throughout dating and marriage. It’s just shitty that these things happened and I can’t shake the bitterness. I’m angry at myself, my wife, and God for basically my whole course of life.

Just have to move on. I am not going to say to get over it because there is a lot I haven’t got over. There are a lot of things that still “bug” me. That doesn’t stop me from moving on. It does make it more difficult to move on. I am learning to forgive. Forgiving is not a normal for me. I am use to holding grudges.

All that does is make one bitter, negative and eventually toxic. I am done with that. I want to be more positive. I might have nothing to smile about and have lost my joy. Yet I want to keep being more positive because when I am more positive it helps alleviate the pain I suffer through.

I send positivity & hope. May better days come your way.

I know this struggle all to well. 2 Years ago (Actually to the week) my wife and I parted ways in the relationship but stayed in the same house “for the kids” 1.5 years ago, while I was away on business she slept with someone in our bed that to that point we still shared.

At that point, I decided for my own sanity, and for the benefit of our kids, we needed to part ways. It was that she was bad, I was bad, but we both had issues within ourselves we werent addressing because we were so tunnel visioned on making sure the other person was OK, and the kids were ok.

In that year and a half, I hit some lows, felt like a failure because I was effectively “reset” living on my parents couch, seeing my son on the weekends. Fell into an abusive relationship, got even lower. Was at a point where I wanted to just pick up and move to a random corner of the world and start fresh… and then I didnt.

Instead of that, I made the hard look at myself. Realized I couldnt continue feeling like I was and I got help. Saw therapy, joined online support groups. I made a point that I was going to get better, not for her, but for me, and my kids.

@Danjo said it best when he said to me once “Jay, does your son look at you and say he loves you? If so thats all that matters in the world. That is enough.” and he’s right. With that in mind, I started punching back at life, because even if the world was on fire, if my son loved me, I was ok. With that motivation I’ve since pulled myself back up. I have a house of my own. I’ve refound my hobbies, and I’ve made a point to take a step forward every day.

And in the end, yknow what happened? Her and I patched things up. We’re seeing each other again, fresh and new, and enjoying it. I never once set down this path to “get her back” or “Fix the marriage” but to get myself better, for myself, and for my son. All I wanted from her was friendship once I set on that path because I’d rather be friends with her than not, considering we’re in each others lives until he’s grown, and it just happened to work out.

She still lives in her own place, I still live in mine, but we’re having a good go of it, better than we ever were.

The key takeaway from this is more often than not, if you double down and focus on sorting yourself, the rest, i’ve found, falls into place. This tracks through my entire 34 years. 9 Years ago, I had decided I was going to focus on my career, not date, just improve myself. I met her when I was running an event.

4 years Prior, I was focused on writing, and wound up writing for a website on accident. All of my best opportunities, friendships, and relationships have happened when I was focused on self improvement.

The hardest part about this, is to remember something @NateTriesAgain told me “Change doesnt happen overnight. It’s one degree, over and over” with that in mind, celebrate the little victories, because can’t have the big ones without them. If you need anything else, dont hesitate to hit me up.

Live well, Do good, Hold Fast.

I appreciate your reply. That’s pretty awesome that you are back together. Hope all is well! I think about that the scenario sometimes, like WHAT IF my wife and I could do something like getting back together late in life. My wife and I are great now. I’m just still hurt deep down and not dealing with it well. Some days are better than others granted, but I’m stilll very broken. I know I need to help myself and posting on heartsupport is my first step towards bettering myself… I hope!

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